Parenting advice to raise strong, secure girls from the inside out and counter those racy, raunchy “what you have to look like” type images that rob self-esteem
These days it’s almost impossible to not read the diet of some pencil-slim celeb. Photos of them all to often leaving some nightclub (drink in hand) wearing some highly revealing outfit and unmistaken “sexy look” are blasted on every news channel and magazine cover.
But have you wondered if those images influence our daughters values and attitudes? Could those images actually effect how our kids turn out?
The media’s negative imact
The American Psychological Association’s study confirms what many parents feared: All those raunchy, sexy, thin type “What you should look like” messages do indeed have an negative impact on our girls.
A five-year study of 2516 teens by the American Psychological Association found that girls who frequently read those dieting and weight loss articles are far more likely to fast, vomit, or use laxatives to lose weight. In fact, the data proved that the more frequently a girl reads those fashion magazines, the more likely she is to resort to extreme weight control behaviors. Those images are also correlated to the rise of young girls eating disorders, lower self-esteem, and depression.
The Today Show asked me to address what parents can do to counter those negative messages. Here are a few solutions I offered to help us raise strong, healthy, emotionally secure young girls who can buck those raunchy images and come out on top.
Raising strong, healthy girls from the inside out
Get savvy about our new culture
Remove those blinders and take a realistic look at the new X-Rated world. Sexy, raunchy images of girls are everywhere. TV shows push the limits, magazines flaunt photos young party-going girl celebrities, the Internet has no rules, and CD lyrics are darn-right scandalous.
And watch out: these days marketers are targeting even our youngest girls. The new “Hooker Look” (I can’t think of a better term) is the hot new fashion.
Did you know that seven-to twelve year-old girls spent $1.6 million on thong undies?
Toy makers are designing new long-legged, doey-eyed looking female dolls in slinky outfits ready for the hot-tub for our preschoolers. You do control the purse strings and that remote!
Watch and listen to magazines, books, videos, song lyrics (a.k.a. your daughter’s world!)
Subscribe to magazines that nurture a hobby or provide a healthy influence to your daughter’s self-esteem. And tune into what you’re reading as well. Watch the television shows that you’re airing in your home. Listen and watch a bit closer. Monitor those images. Talk to her. Give her perspective. Be her filter. Those images are affecting her self image.
Do a quick “healthy media test”: Walk around your home and pick up the magazine your daughter is most likely to read. Flip it to a few pages. Would those images nurture or hinder her self-esteem? If “hinder” is your answer, then it’s time to alter that subscription.
Find healthier outlooks for your daughter
Discover your daughter’s natural passion and talent–whether it be surfing, basketball, art, yoga, soccer–and then support her involvement. Those positive activities will help you focus more on her talents and interests, and show her that you value her for her strengths, not appearance. It will also help her develop a stronger identify based on her passions instead of ones borrowed from young, rich celebrities on magazine covers.
Tune into your daughter’s world
From television shows, video games, movies, music and Internet sites, stay involved in your daughter’s lifestyle choices. Monitor what she watches and listens to, and who she seems to admire. Doing so will help you understand her values at that moment, as well as help guide your next discussions about your family values.
If you don’t like a TV show, movie, CD, video or an outfit explain “Why” instead of just saying, “No.” Your daughter needs to learn how to make wise choices and needs someone (that’s you!) to be her sounding board as well as perspective maker.
Downplay popularity and appearance
Girls need to hear messages that convey: “Who you are is far more important than how you look.” So zip your tongue and halt those comments like: “She’s lost so-o-o-o much weight!,” “I love her hair!,” “I wonder what moisturizer she uses?” “Did you get invited to the birthday party?”
Also, watch your gossip and how you talk about other women–especially in front of your daughter. Your kids are scrutinizing your behavior, and they do copy what they see and hear. Always be the example you want your daughter to copy. She needs a strong, healthy example.
Walk the talk!
Your daughter may not be telling you that you’re influential in her life, so I’ll clue you in. You are! I swear kids come with recorders planted inside their heads. Don’t preach self-esteem–show your daughter what confidence looks like in your self!
Don’t forget your sons
Boys, as well, are bombarded by those sexy images and cause unhealthy images of women to develop. What’s more, our boys may think girls even like to be treated as sex objects. Don’t leave your son out of the mix. Talk to him. Counter those messages by giving him the right view of how women do like to be treated. (So says the mom of three boys!)
Sure, the world these days is more X-rated, but parents have always been an excellent counterbalance to sleaze and raunchiness. Remember you really do influence your daughter’s attitudes, values, and self-esteem.
Your goal is to help your daughter from the youngest age know she is a person of worth just for who she is, and not for how she looks. That goal means you’re really raising your daughter from the inside out.
Be mindful of that goal, and don’t deviate from it. After all, raising children to be strong and healthy is a 24/7 proposition and in today’s sexually-explicit culture that aim becomes even more challenging.
Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert
You can also refer to my daily blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check for ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news and research about child development.
Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba
For specific tips on raising girls from the inside out and countering the too sexy-too soon look and a step-by-step framework to turn this troubling trend around, refer to the following chapters: Growing Up Too Fast, Dress and Appearance, Perfectionism, Eating Disorders, Depression, Cliques, Sex, Drinking in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.
This is such an important topic to bring attention to…Thank you for sharing this.
Modeling what we want to see in our children is absolutely the most important thing a parent can do.
In addition, I also think that parents need to start a dialogue with their children very early on that helps them see themselves as more than what they see in the mirror.
Parents can teach their children a different way to view themselves (from the inside out) that places more value on who they are as a person vs what they look like.
I am raising my 12 yr old granddaughter who is beautiful on the outside. (not just my opinion..promise!) She is physically mature for her age and could easily pass for 18 yrs old. We have witnessed grown men turn their heads as she passes by when we are shopping!
She has been raised to understand that although she has physical characteristics that others find appealing…this is not the type of admiration that is valuable because it has nothing to do with who she really is as a person.
She understands that the real truth is that she had NOTHING to do with her physical traits yet EVERYTHING to do with her internal self…and that is what one hopes to be appreciated and loved for.
She has never worn a 2 piece bathing suit (we live in Florida!) She has never worn revealing low cut tops or what kids refer to as “daisy duke” shorts.
She loves to shop but because of how she was raised she naturally gravitates to outfits that are “appropriate.”
She places value on “who” she is because we intentionally raised her to.
Parents need to start when their children are young to build the self-esteem and confidence that will prevent them from feeling the need to conform to the latest distasteful trends that society supports when they reach the “tween/teen” age.
denny hagel
Innovative Parenting LLC
Your post is great. I teach and coach middle school girls. When we play music in our physical education class, it is very evident that some moms are very involved in teaching their daughters appropriate ways to respond to music in public. Many others, we must teach what is appropriate behavior. Some will dance so inappropriately in front of us, it scares me to think what they do when we are not around. Thanks for the tips. Lisa at strongmothers.com
Hi Michelle,
As a psychotherapist and eating disorder specialist, I have seen so many vunerable teenagers, especially females, who have succumbed to an eating disorder. Initially as an innocent loss of a few pounds leading to an obsessional preoccupation with weight loss, appearance, perfectionism and ultimately starvation for some.
The saddest piece of this has been the Moms who feel incredibly responsible.Some of these Moms have put way too much emphasis on appearance with the unfortunate consequences experienced in the next generation of daughters.
I will check out your book Michelle. I am writing a book proposal on Advising Moms re: teenage daughters.
Take a look at my latest posting on Eating Disorders and Body Image for Tips and Solutions.Take a look at my video on Eating Disorder on my Web as well in Media.
http://www.askarden.com Love you to comment.
Good Luck with your latest book.
Arden Greenspan-Goldberg
Pychotherapist/Life Coach/Eating Disorder Specialist.
If I had to pull only one sentence out of this wonderful article it would be “Always be the example you want your daughter to copy.” Unfortunately it isn’t always easy. My eight year old daughter watches me workout regularly and sometimes joins me. She is learning to make healthy eating choices as well. However, all too often I let myself slip and comment on appearance and weight loss instead of health. It’s a difficult balance that applies in all areas of life. The best we can do is our best. They will notice. 😉