“I know my teacher gave me a present, but she’s getting paid for it.”

“Why should I write Grandma a thank you note?  I told her ‘thanks’ already.” 

“But it takes too much time! Can’t I just text a thank you?”

If those comments sound familiar, know you’re not alone. While kids love receiving those gifts, writing those thank yous is plain drudgery to most. But writing thank-you cards to others is a habit of gratitude we should encourage in our  children.

Taking time to convey thanks is a simple, proven way to boost gratitude.

Doing so is another way kids learn to consider other people’s feelings rather than just their own.

It also helps our kids understand that we expect them to use that practice.

And it helps bring back that glorious endangered tradition of the hand-written note! (Sigh!)

School-age kids should use this rule of writing thank you notes from the Etiquette and Leadership Institute in Athens, Georgia:

The total number of sentences in a thank-you note should be half the child’s age. So a ten-year-old should be expected to write a minimum of five complete sentences. A young child can dictate his comments and only needs to sign his name.

Creative Thank You Kid Options

The problem for most parents is getting kids to write them without it turning into a struggle.  One trick is to allow kids to create their own way of thanking the person. Here are a few creative thank-you card ideas for kids:

~ Video. Make a tape of video just for that person that expresses appreciation.

~ Photo. Take a photo of the child wearing or using the gift. The developed four-by-six inch print makes an instant postcard; the child just writes a brief note on the back and addresses and mails it.

~ Puzzle. Write the thank you on a piece of card stock and then cut it into a few pieces like a jigsaw puzzle.

~ Cereal spell out. Spell out the thank you use M&M’s or alphabet cereal glued on a piece of cardboard.

~ Skype it! Seeing the recipient up close and personal as the child conveys his thanks is a proven way to boost gratitude. Just have the child write a few lines (say it’s “like a screenplay”) prior to the call to help think through his reasons.

~ Fill in the blanks. Younger kids will have a harder time with those thank yous. So fill free to give them a template to fill in – or they can dictate their thoughts to you as you write down the words.

~ E-cards. If you can’t get beyond the struggle, then at least have your child choose from a variety of online thank you cards to fill out and send.

One way to instill your expectations is to reinforce one simple family rule: “You must write the thank you note first, and then you may use the gift.” From experience I can say this one really speeds up the process!

Kids learn gratitude by seeing others display appreciation in everyday, unplanned moments. So make sure your child is watching you write those thank you notes! (And while you’re at it, ask yourself how often your kids see you convey your appreciation with hugs, words or small notes to others?

How often do you tell your kids how much you appreciate them?

Tune up your attitude of gratitude so that your kids are more likely to copy your example.

Kid Books on “Gratitude Power”

The Thank You Book for Kids: Hundreds of Creative, Cool and Clever Ways to Say Thank You! by Ali Lauren Spizman

Love this one! It’s written by fourteen-year-old, Ali Lauren Spizman who is already a media veteran. Ali has appeared in television commercials, print advertising, radio interviews, and on The Cartoon Network in 1997 as a featured commentator. Best yet, every birthday since she was four, Ali has chosen to donate clothes and toys to a homeless shelter. And she has been writing thank-you letters since she was a little girl. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia with her family and has written a great book for kids filled with clever ways to make the often dull task of writing thank-you notes into an exciting exercise in creativity.

The Secret of Saying Thanks by Douglas Wood

“Perhaps you’d like to know a secret, one of the happiest ones of all. If you’ve not yet discovered the secret of saying thanks, it’s waiting for you.” In the inspirational text that made him a bestselling, internationally acclaimed author, Douglas Wood offers a spiritual homage to nature and the world. Greg Shed’s stunning portraits of the natural world tenderly portray all of the many ways in which we can say thanks for the wonders we sometimes take granted in life.

The Kids’ Guide to Writing Thank You Notes, by Jean Summers

This “how-to” for kids explains in a conversational tone why thank-you notes are important (and not just for those occasions when you get a gift), and teaches kids how to write them in five quick steps. For kids stumped for inspiration, the book includes a dozen sample notes and a list of fifty adjectives to describe just about every gift. There are even fill-in-the-blanks forms to get them going.

These are my three kid books on gratitude. What are your favorite books for kids? Do you have a clever way to get your kids to write thank yous? If so, please share!

Happy New Year!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more Practical Parenting Advice follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’ Reality Check.

Parenting Resolutions that Make Big Differences for Your Family

There’s no doubt that we want our children to become healthy, happy, responsible and productive. And oh the things we do, the energy we exert, and the money we spend to try to make happen. But how many of us achieve the success and see real changes in our families?

There is no doubt that setting the right kind of goals will positively impact on our families. The best news is that goals don’t have to be time-consuming or costly! The trick is finding goals that work for you and your family. I chose a few of my favorites that I’ve shared on the TODAY show and parents have reported they worked for them. Whatever goal you choose, I urge you to use the four essential Parenting Change Rules to help you be more likely to succeed.

Four Rules to Parent for Real, Lasting Change

Rule 1: Use the “One Rule”: Choose one (or at best no more than two) parenting goals that you can see yourself doing and is simple enough to fit into your lifestyle and will make a difference with your kids if you hang in there.You’ll be far more likely to succeed and boost your confidence that you can do this. You can add more parenting goals later. 

Rule 2: Use the Same Strategy: Use the SAME strategy to boost that parenting goal every day for a few minutes. It’s also best to do it at the same time everyday.

Rule 3: Use Reminders: Research also finds that visual or verbal cues can help you stay on track. Put a reminder on your screen saver. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you. Tag a big sign on your refrigerator. Or ask your kid to remind you (that always works!) The parenting resolution will then not only become a family routine, but more than likely greatly improve your relationship with your child.

Rule 4: Use the “2 Es”: Just remember: the best resolutions are EASY and EFFECTIVE (think of the Two E’s). Research also says lasting change takes a minimum of 21 days of repetition so hang in there!

10 Parenting Goals for 2012

These are just meant as mere ideas to get you thinking. Adapt the strategies anyway you want or come up with a far better one that will work for your family. Just do one! And if you start the resolution within 24 hours of reading this blog, chances are you will be more likely to succeed. Promise!

Parenting Goal 1. Increase Quality Family Time

Try this: Identify the time & place each day your child is most receptive to listening and you’re available–and plant yourself there. You don’t need a lot of time, but you do need “uninterrupted” time with your kids. Schedule it

~ Find the spot. Say it’s 5 pm around the refrigerator (that’s where my youngest was–so that’s the place I’d be each night). Or utilize the car pool: turn off the radio and talk. 

~ Make sure it’s “unplugged” time. No electronics (except kitchen appliances) allowed. Enforce  one rule: “During that time you may only talk to people in the room.” Apply that also during Family Meals.

~ Utilize bedtime. Research says kids are most receptive to us five minutes before they go off to sleep. So use that time to convey your love for your child during a bedtime ritual. You could review the day or hold a “strength talk” (hold your child’s hand in yours and for each finger tell him the five special things you love most about him).

~ Check that calendar carefully. Is there one thing you can cut??? Cutting just one activity a week can free up time.

Parenting Goal 2.  Don’t overextend so you have more family time

Try this: For parents who say “I don’t have enough time” tape an index card to your phone and write “NO” in block letters. When someone calls you (to bake more brownies, take on another unnecessary project) use your new rule is: “Tell the person ‘I’ll have to get back to you.’” You then have “stall” time to check your calendar and think through the “worth-it” factor of their request.

~ Say no to things that don’t directly involve your family, create unnecessary stress or is something you really don’t want to do.

Parenting Goal 3.  More positive school send-offs

Try this: Parents say that mornings generally are the most stressful time of the day  and the place where they are most prone to yell or just stress out. So identify your one reoccurring stress trigger and then create a simple solution.

~ You misplace car keys and go bonkers trying to find them every morning. Put up a hook by the door to put those keys.

~ Kids complain they can’t find their homework (and miss the bus trying to find it), put a “box catcher” by the door. They put their backpack with their homework  at night-not in the morning.

~ A little dawdler? He  lays his clothes out the night before and learns to set an alarm clock.

Parenting Goal 4. Stop being “The Negotiator”

Try this: If you find you’re always stepping in between sibling to solve battles teach simple strategies so they can work out their own problems.

~ Teach kids how to use a stop watch or set an oven timer for  three minutes. Each sibling knows they have equal time and when the timer goes off the “shared object” is passed to the other sibling who sets the same time. The timer reduces squabbles, keeps things “fair” and takes you out of the loop. Best yet your kids can use the timer to end friendship wars.

Parenting Goal 5. Boost exercise to reduce stress

Try this: Stress building because you have little time for exercise? Find one activity to do with your kids.The real trick is the word “with” which means less guilt for you, more time with the kids and the needed exercise.

~ Put your infant in a stroller and walk each day.

~ Ride a bike with your preschooler.

~ Find an exercise video and do with your daughter.

~ Put up a hoop and shoot with your son.

Parenting Goal 6.Wean kids off rewards

Try this:  Is your kids always need your approval or expect a reward,  just change your pronoun from “I” to “you.” That simple switch used consistently builds internal motivation and weans kids from needing your approval and being praise-a-holics. Not only will you save money but you’ll also boost your child’s self-esteem. 

~ Instead of “I am really proud of…” switch to: “You should be really proud of…(name the accomplishment).”

Parenting Goal 7.  Reduce family yelling

Try this: Start a “No yell policy” in your home, but get the kids involved as well. (Believe me, they’ll help you stick to that resolution). Then the second anyone’s voice goes up a decibel, use a designated non-verbal Time Out hand signal (like a coach) that signifies someone needs a breather to get himself back in control. Everyone must respect it. The family member can then walk away until calm enough to come back and then talk. This one will take consistently, but it works like a gem in rebuilding family harmony. Don’t give up!

Parenting Goal 8. Regular family connection

Try this: Research shows eating together regularly reduces your child’s likelihood for drugs, eating disorders, depression and improves grades). So do try to have more regular family meals. Forget gourmet and Martha Stewart. Anything goes!

~ If connecting is difficult because of hectic schedules, then set a time such as 8:30 pm each evening for 20 minutes when everyone stops and connect in the kitchen to briefly touch base, have a snack, debrief the day, and  say goodnight.

Parenting Goal 9. Nurture self-esteem

Try this: Research shows that all that random, sugar-coated praise does not work to increase self-esteem. What does help is specific praise so your child knows what he did that deserves approval.

~ Each day identify ONE thing your child did that deserves acknowledgement.  Point out the positive, earned trait or behavior, but also add “because” to your praise. That one word takes your praise up a notch and makes your statement more specific. Your child now understands what he did that you approved of and is also more likely to repeat the deed. For instance: “You were so kind BECAUSE you shared with your friends.”

Parenting Goal 10. Focus on the positive

Try: In a bit of a negative rut around your kids lately? Time to focus on the positive.

~ Start a Family Kindness Box (an old shoebox with a slit cut in the top will do). Then encourage your family members to look for others doing kind, positive things. Write or draw noteworthy deeds and slip in the box. Read those notes during the family meal or once a week at the Sunday breakfast. Kindness really is contagious. 

There are dozens of other possibilities. I wanted to just get your brain moving. Choose one that works best for you and your family. Simpler is better! Write your parenting goal down as a reminder to you (or tell your kids your new plan — they’ll remind you!) Then keep with it. The secret to turning activities into habits is consistency!

So what’s your resolution?

Happy New Year!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books. You can also refer to my daily blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check for ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news about child development.

Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

All solutions in this blog were from my The Big Book of Parenting Solutions where you can also find dozens more of research-based and practical tips to raise strong kids from the inside out.

A tragic fire touches the Windward School community in Connecticut this week killing three children and their grandparents. How to explain tragedy to children and help classmates and a community grieve is written by Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, President of the Child Mind Institute, child psychiatrist and director of the New York University Child Study Center. I’ve reported with Dr. Koplewicz on the TODAY show and serve with him on the advisory board for Parents magazine. He is a true leader in the field.

by Harold S. Koplewicz, MD

President
CHILD MIND INSTITUTE

My heart goes out to all of you struggling with the tragic death of three children in your school community, along with their grandparents, in the fire last weekend.

I wish I could tell you how to spare your own children the pain of this news, both the loss of their friends and classmates and the frightening knowledge that such terrible events can occur, and so close to home. I can’t do that, but what I can do is share what I’ve learned about how to help children process disturbing events in the healthiest way.

As a parent, you can’t protect children from grief, but you can help them express their feelings, comfort them, and help them feel safer. By allowing and encouraging them to express their feelings, you can help them build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future.

Break the news.

My first and most important suggestion is that you don’t delay telling your children about what’s happened: It’s much better for the child if you’re the one who tells her. You don’t want her to hear from some other child, a television news report, or the headlines on the front page of the New York Post. You want to be able to convey the facts, however painful, and set the emotional tone. And you want to give your child as much time as possible to process the information, and her feelings about it, before she returns to school. Difficult conversations like this aren’t over in one session; expect to return to the topic as many times as your child needs to come to terms with this sad reality.

Answer questions.

I suggest that you begin the conversation by telling you child that you have very sad news you need to talk about. Tell him that five members of a family at their school have died in a fire. Tell him their names. Let him know that you feel sad about it—tears are okay, but not hysteria.

Where the conversation goes depends a lot on how old your children are, how well they knew the children who died, and how many questions they have. You want to be prepared to answer (but not prompt) questions about whether the children suffered. You can tell them as calmly as possible that most people who perish in fires die of smoke inhalation, which is like falling asleep. Your goal is to avoid encouraging frightening fantasies. If they ask questions you can’t answer, it’s okay to tell them you don’t know.

Be reassuring.

Talking about death is always difficult, but this kind of tragic accident is especially tough because of how egocentric children are: they’re likely to focus on whether something like this could happen to them. So it’s important to reassure you child about how unusual this kind of fire is, and the safety measures you’ve taken at your house or apartment.

Help them express their feelings.

In your conversation (and subsequent ones) you can suggest ways your child might remember her friend or classmate: tell stories about things you did together, draw pictures, or write a letter to the girls’ mother. You want to let her know that there will be some kind of service for the children at school, and that she’ll have a chance to share her feelings and memories with other kids at that time. She might want to write letter to the children’s mother; if you’re religious, going to church or synagogue could be valuable.

For Windward Parents: Signs of Trauma

The Teacher’s Role When Tragedy Strikes

What Makes an Event Traumatic for a Child?

Finally, here are some general guidelines for talking to kids about traumatic events.

1. Take your cues from your child.

Invite her to tell you what she has heard about the tragedy, and how she feels. Since many children aren’t able to express their emotions through words, other helpful outlets include drawing pictures, or telling stories about their memories of the classmates who died.

2. Be developmentally appropriate .

Don’t volunteer too much information, as this may be overwhelming. Instead, try to answer your child’s questions.  Do your best to answer honestly and clearly.  It’s okay if you can’t answer everything; being available to your child is what matters.

3. Focus on safety.

A child’s primary concern after this kind of tragedy may be whether it could happen to him. You can let him know that such events are very rare, that you place a high priority on fire safety, and are confident that he and your family are safe. You can also assure him that this kind of tragedy is investigated carefully, to identify causes and help prevent it from happening again. It’s confidence-building for kids to know that we learn from negative experiences.

4. Be calm. 

It’s okay to let your child know if you’re sad, but if you talk to your child about a traumatic experience in a highly emotional way, then he will likely absorb your emotion and very little else. If, on the other hand, you remain calm, he is likely to grasp what’s important: that tragic events can upset our lives, even deeply, but we can learn from bad experiences and work together to grow stronger.

5. Be available.

If your child is upset, just spending time with him may make him feel safer. Children find great comfort in routines, and doing ordinary things together as a family may be the most effective form of healing.

6. Memorialize the children.

Drawing pictures, planting a tree, sharing stories, or releasing balloons can all be good, positive ways to help provide closure to a child. It’s important to assure your child that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of others.  

One good way is to plan a school activity in memory of the children who died. Whether it’s planting a garden, or organizing a bake sale to raise money for children in need, it’s helpful for them to feel part of a community that shares their feelings. And in doing something for others they will not only feel good about themselves but will learn a very healthy way to respond to grief.

Published: December 27, 2011

Read Helping Children Deal with Grief for more information.

Parent Alert: College mental health crisis and signs your teen may be depressed or at risk of dropping out

Your son or daughter is back from college for the holidays! He or she spent months studying for those SATs, filling out college applications and agonizing.  Then acceptance! You move your teen into the dorm, hug goodbye and drive away assuming that the stress is finally over and the new life has begun.Right? Not according to the latest statistics from university counseling centers.

Stress and pressure in our teens are back and up at epidemic levels.

~ The freshman year dropout rate has reached an all time high at more than 26 percent (that’s one of every four students).

~ Four of ten students report feeling depressed to the point it was difficult to function.

~ What’s more, depression, stress, and drop-outs peak during the second half of the first year of college.

College counselors realize these troubling stats and are making changes on campuses to try to better meet kids’ emotional needs. Meanwhile, thousands of college students are home for a break but will be returning shortly.

It’s over this holiday break and these next few days when parents play a critical role in making sure that second semester goes smoother and safer for their teen.

Here are things to do during to check up on your college teens’s emotional needs before he or she returns to that worrisome second semester. I’ve also listed “Red Flags” that you should tune into.

Look for Marked Changes in Your Teen

Yes, you will see a change in your teen. He or she probably will be a bit moody, lazy, sleepy or defiant. But when do you worry? Use these indicators:

Marked Not Typical Behaviors. Tune into your teen’s daily behavior. Is there anything about that behavior that doesn’t ring true to your kid’s “normal nature”? Are there “hot button” concerns?

Use the “Too” Index: Identify the behavior that concerns you (i.e. “moody”). Now apply the word “too.” Is he too moody for your instinct and for “too” long.

Red Flag: Whenever your teen is demonstrating too much of a behavior that is not normal him and it lasts longer than two weeks, get help. Whenever in doubt, use your instinct.

Listen for School Experiences

Tune in a bit closer. Listen to how your teen describes the school experience. Also listen to the silence — the things she doesn’t say.

Ask: “Would you recommend the school to other kids?” “If you had it all over again would you apply to the same place?”

If he doesn’t open up to you, ask a friend for input. The keys you want to know:

Does she seem happy in her new place away from home?

Is he adjusting?

Does he have new friends?

Is she involved in any activities (going to the gym, pledging a frat).

Does he want to be home? Or indicate he does not want to return? (If so, listen!!! That environment may not be right for your teen. There is always another place!)

Does he make any attempt to contact (text, cell, email) a “friend” from college? If not, why?

How does she describe his school? Does she use the pronoun “MY” (my school) or “OUR” (”Our team collaborated State). Those pronouns are clues that your teen is bonding with the school. Is he developing any sense of school pride or an ownership?

Red Flags: “No connections” is a big sign of adjustment problems and can lead to dropping out. Be concerned if your teen is not involved in any part of the school – friends, fraternity, band, parties, athletics, dorm life, roommate and always in his room so he is not forming connections.

Listen to What Your Teen Doesn’t Say About Grades

Hearing what your kid doesn’t say can be revealing. So listen to his silence. Does he bring up his grades, a professor, or how hard (or easy) the final was? Is he evasive when you ask how he’s doing? Don’t ask: “What grade did you get?” Reframe the question: “Was it as hard as you thought it would be?”

Red Flag: A distress indicator can be when a teen doesn’t say anything about schoolwork or is evasive.

Brainstorm Possible Solutions

If your teen is overwhelmed or feels he might fail, then be clear that you’ll help find solutions Just one change can be enough to turn things around.

For instance: Change majors? Change dorms? Pledge a fraternity? Change roommates? Find a tutor? Get a counselor? Change schools? Take a semester off?

Red Flag: Overwhelmed kids don’t see options and come up with poor solutions.

Check Sleep Patterns

Any college kid will sleep in once home, but those who are depressed and overwhelmed usually get their first really restful sleep in their own beds. Ask: “So glad you’re getting a rest. Were you able to sleep at school?”

Red Flag: Sleep troubles are often the first signs of adjustment problems and depression. Watch!

Tune Into Possible Signs of Depression

One in ten college students will consider suicide. The highest rate of drop-outs is second semester. Please tune in a bit closer and take this trend seriously! Get help for your teen if you suspect your son or daughter may be depressed.

Red flags: Know signs and symptoms of depression and suicidal feelings from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Are any of these signs ones you’ve noticed during the holiday break?

An increase in physical ailments. Headaches, stomachaches, nausea, sweaty palms, sleeplessness or always sleeping that don’t lessen with over-the-counter medication and rest.

A marked, sudden, or intense change. Something is radically different about your teen’s personality, temperament, or normal behavior that just is not right.

The pain or symptoms don’t go away. They last everyday during the holiday or becomes more intense, or just comes and goes, and nothing is easing your teen’s pain.

Your teen is preoccupied with death or feelings of hopelessness. He is drawing, writing or asking about death, giving away personal belongings, or saying “What’s the use?”

The sadness interferes with her daily life. Her social, academic or family life are affected. Withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities. Loss of interest in pleasurable activities

Unusual neglect of personal appearance, marked personality change

Persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork

Not tolerating praise or rewards; complains of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside

Red Flag: Take these behaviors seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional.

Share Your Concerns

If you suspect your teen is depressed share your concerns: “I’m worried about you and think you might be depressed.”

Print off the depression signs posted on his college website or at www.acha.org and show him.

Make an appointment with a mental health professional. Tell your teen that you made an appointment. Don’t assume your teen will get to a counselor or make her own appointment. You must take control!

Red Flag: A depressed teen often realizes something isn’t right, but doesn’t know what’s wrong. Often the first to identify depression is a roommate or resident assistant.

 If you have contact with the roommate, ask.


Stay Connected

A teen’s biggest fear (and stressor) is not failing school but failing his parents. So focus now on your teen’s emotional needs not grades. Just knowing that you are concerned takes tremendous weight off of a teen. Take this time to not only celebrate the holidays and your teen’s homecoming but also to assess his adjustment and mental health. Convey you love him no matter what.

Red Flag: Many kids are struggling and don’t tell us only to go back second semester and drop out because they don’t want to let us down. One of the top reasons teens return back to that college in a depressed state is because they do not want to let a parent down. Convey your love and acceptance! Your child’s mental health is far more important than returning back to that college depressed! Get the help your teen needs now!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more Practical Parenting Advice follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’ Reality Check.

Tired about all those ads reminding your kids what they “must have” and your kids are now repeating those jingles?

Concerned your kiddos are preparing a wish list so long they’ll be disappointed no matter how many presents they get?

Noticing the spirit of the season at your home is more “gimme, take me, buy me,” instead of  ”Deck the Hall?”

Worried that all those gifts you’ve spent hours picking out will be unwrapped in a nano-second come Christmas morning?

If your holiday has spun a bit out of control and gotten away from the true spirit of the season, there’s still time to rein in the gimmes. Now I’m not suggesting you do a complete about face and cut out the presents altogether. Every kid will be out waving white flags come Christmas morning. But there are more subtle ways to encourage your kids to appreciate the greatest gifts of the holiday season. The simplest way is to focus on gifts of the heart and letting your kids be participants, not just recipients. Here are a few ideas:

Focus on Family Experiences

Minerva Drive is “the” street to go during the holidays in my town. It is three blocks ablaze of lights and looks like a “winter wonderland” except it’s in Palm Springs. The photo is just a sample of what those homes look like. Amazing! The evening drive to “see the lights” is on every kids’ –as well as their parents–wish lists. It’s a family  memory!

Are there other holiday memories you can do as a family that will linger long after the kids have forgotten what they unwrapped?

The best memories come straight from the heart — and not your wallet. Here are a few ideas:

~ Create a special Christmas Teddy Bear Tea. Your little one bring their teddy bears and order hot cocoa at a nice restaurant or in front of your fireplace! Don’t try this with your teens — but it is glorious with younger ones.

~ Hold an ornament exchange with friends. Everyone brings in an ornament and exchanges it for another. Just put a price limit on those ornaments. One year we set out a table and had everyone decorate their ornaments. Fun!

~ Have a cookie exchange! (My favorite – since I hate baking). My friends and their kids each bring pre-baked or ready to bake cookies. We spend the afternoon decorating and eating and enjoying each others’ company and each family ends up with cookies to bring home. (Feel free to purchase already made cookies and just have the kids decorate those).

Carol With Your Neighbors

Give every family member an empty toilet paper tube with wax paper wrapped tightly to the top and attached with a rubber band. Kids can decorate them with a bit of glitter, stickers, or colored markers and they make instant kazoos! If you want to go wild, give each child a paper bag or paper plate and encourage them to design a holiday hat. Invite your kids’ friends and now go caroling! Musical talent is not the focus– fun and memories are! Just bundle everyone up and start humming! It’s a memory!

Bring Out the Books 

It’s time to bring out those classics like a A Christmas Carol, Polar Express, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

~ My girlfriend has a basket filled with her holiday books. Poor that hot cocoa, light the fire and read and read and read together!

~ My family spreads a blanket on the floor, gets out a hurricane lamp and has a marathon Christmas story reading session in the darkened living room. (You can always use a flashlight!)

~ My cousin’s favorite holiday tradition is to purchase one special holiday book for their family each year and then bring them out to read together. (The inside of each book also has a photo of their family during the holidays).

~ A friend started a tradition of giving each family member a book on Christmas eve. That “dinner” tradition has become the favorite holiday memory of the season.

~ My son’s friends always watch It’s A Wonderful Life every Christmas eve. It’s hot chocolate, cinnamon sticks, whip cream, quilts, Jimmy Stewart, and a memory.

Find the tradition that works for you!

Ask Their Opinion

We too often deny kids the pleasure of doing for others. Kids are great at brainstorming gift ideas for others.

Ask them, “What have you noticed that Aunt Mary enjoys?” This gets them to start considering the other person.

Set Limits and Go Homemade

Set a cap on the number of gifts per kid. But do warn the kiddies ahead. Tell them to think through what they really, really want and need this year. They must prioritize their wish list into their top three (or whatever number) wants. Young kids can draw their wishes.

Then once that limit is set, make a rule that one present from each child must be homemade. Play “Secret Santa” – each family member pulls the name of one family member then sh-sh-sh (the hard part for some) must keep the name secret.

The goal is for each child to discover (without asking) what the family member enjoys and then somehow make a gift for that person to be delivered on a special evening. Maybe Jimmy loves chocolate chip cookies – that’s the present. Dad loves sleeping in on Sunday – so the coupon gift is good for sleeping in without disturbance for two Sundays. Make it fun! 

Photograph Those Family Moments

Always disappointed you didn’t capture some of those great holiday moments? Then appoint each child the role of official “family holiday photographer.”

You may find that the photographing roles makes kids tune into the memories: “Did you get a picture of grandma?” or “Quick, take a picture of Kevin. He’s so excited with his present!”

~ You can rotate the days (Johnny is official family photographer on Dec 24; Sally is Dec 25) or the event (Johnny photo graphs gift-opening; Sally is the dinner).

~ My girlfriend gives each child an inexpensive disposable camera for the affair. I told my sons to use the photo feature on their cell phones.

~ You can also ask your tech-savvy kid to put together a fun powerpoint of all the family photos to show the day after the holidays and review the memories.

Give Things That Boost “Togetherness”

Think of gifts you can “with” one another like board games, certificates to a movie, skating rink, tickets to a concert, exercise equipment. This may take a bit of creative thinking but tune in closer. Ask the kids. Is there something or someplace you can go to together?

Capture Family Memories

At Christmastime when I was little, I couldn’t wait to go to my girlfriend’s house and see her family’s Christmas stockings. Each sister’s stocking was covered with different little trinkets her mother sewed on, representing the girls’ interests and talents from the year. Everyone always stopped to ask each sister what the trinkets stood for.

If you like the idea don’t go trying to make up for ten years, but consider starting a tradition this year of each child’s – or your family’s – memories. Consider displaying your child’s special mementos of his special talents in a special box or a piece of colored felt. Or switch it up: create a family box for each year.

Start a Family Holiday Journal

What about starting a family holiday journal? Just purchase a journal that is for writing down the family memories of the holiday season. Then bring out the journal each year to display and jot down memories.

Once kids are tuned into the tradition they may begin to remind you to “add a memory” to the book. Encourage each child to sum up their best memory of the holiday by drawing, writing or pasting in a photo of the event. The key is to stress memories of the heart that they experienced — not the gifts from the store that they received.

Get Grandparents on Board

Pass on your new “gimme less-family memories more” policy to grandparents. (Warning: it may be a bit late this year, so aim for next year). Suggest they give presents that will nurture their relationship with their grandkids such as a trip together, a digital camera to exchange pictures, or if they really want to splurge a computer loaded with skype so they can set an appointment each week and talk.

Nurture a Child’s Strength, Hobby or Skill

Instead of giving a dozen items that end up in the closet, think of gifts that could nurture your child’s strength or talent like a musical instrument, art materials, or horse-back riding lessons. Maybe your daughter wants to take up knitting – then a basket with needles, yarn and a note from you-or Grandma-promising to teach her how to knit is a perfect gift. Maybe your son is interested in guitar – then give a coupon for a few lessons.

Be a Charitable Family – Reach Out!

Find a needy family your kids can “adopt” for the season and buy presents for; bake an extra batch of cookies for the lonely neighbor next door; or go caroling to a nursing home. Hands on experiences in giving help kids discover a sense of compassion and caring. It can also become a fabulous family holiday tradition.

There are dozens of ways to rethink the holidays so our kids can learn that the real spirit of the holidays is about Giving not Receiving.

What are you doing this year to bring back a “Giving Spirit”?

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more Practical Parenting Advice follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba or refer to my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’ Reality Check.