Missed buses… car pools… homework wars…lost library books…last-minute assignments…sleepy heads…forgotten lunches…missed breakfasts…late starts. Sound familiar? They’re the most common back to school parent nightmares (forget the kids!) Here are solutions:

Though back to school should be exciting, parents often describe frantic mornings, hectic evenings, and plain bad memories: Homework wars…lost library books…last-minute assignments…missed buses…sleepy heads…forgotten lunches…missed breakfasts…late starts. The result? Stressed parents…and stressed kids.

But it doesn’t have to—nor should it–be that way. There are practical solutions to the most common back-to-school, hot button parenting hassles. Not only will implementing those solutions help make the upcoming school year more positive and less stressful for all, but they’ll also help kids learns to be more responsible (which just happens to be a trait of successful students).

You can start making these simple adjustments now so that back to school really is smoother and even a tad bit easier for both you and kids. The real secret: Don’t take this challenge on by yourself. Get your kids involved in identifying last year’s reoccurring problem (believe me, they’ll remember), and then together brainstorm one simple solution that you commit to turning into it into a lifelong family habit.”

Here are the seven most common back-to-school parenting hassles and a few simple solutions to help create a smoother year.

Hassle 1. SLEEPY HEADS (“Just let me sleep five more minutes!”)

If you recall most of last year screaming “Wake Up!!” it’s time for your kids to take ownership. Buy simple-to-use alarm clocks, and teach kids how to set it so you don’t have to be their “Big Ben.” My favorite alarm for kids who are perpetually late is called Clocky. It gives your kid only one chance to get up, and if you snooze, he literally jumps off the nightstand and wheels around the room. Also start getting your kid back onto the right “time zone” at least before school starts so he can “ease” into that schedule. And use that oven timer to remind procrastinators that of time constraints. When it dings, you’re in the car – whether the kid is dressed and ready or not.

Hassle 2. BREAKFAST MANIA  (“I don’t have time to eat!”)

If breakfast time is frantic and your kids seem to be missing the “most-important meal,” search for quick, healthy alternatives. Instant oatmeal in a cup, bananas, and juice boxes can be ready to grab-and-go. Extra protein bars can be stashed in backpacks for just-in-case hunger cravings. And put out those bowls and cereal the night before. If you’re really frantic stock your car with extra nutritious goodies. But don’t skip that breakfast!

Hassle 3. MORNING FRANTICNESS (“Where’s my homework?”)

Misplaced library books? “Dad, where’s my backpack?” Can’t find your keys? Identify last year’s one reoccurring nightmare that set off that morning panic attack and then institute one simple solution to cut morning frenzy.  Put a box by the door to “catch” those library books, screw in big hooks for coats, make an extra set of car keys (for your). The key is to turn the new solution into a routine until everyone (even you) adopts the new sanity saver habit. If lost teacher notes, school notices, or conference schedules was a reoccurring problem, set a new family policy: “Walk in, open your backpack, and put any notes or graded papers in the basket.” Then put a basket near that door, and consistently check it nightly. Tend to those needing your signature, and put them ASAP inside your child’s backpack for next day delivery.

Hassle 4. WHO’S ON FIRST? (“Is it library day, violin, or soccer?”)

If your kids relied on you as their personal manager to recap their schedule, then it’s time to help them get organized. Buy a large white board and grease pens. Use a different colored pen per child for each child can mark his own weekly music lesson, soccer practice, field trip, sharing day, and spelling test under the date and time. Then put it in a central spot (such in the kitchen or on the fridge) so everyone instantly knows who goes where. Photographs or drawings of the event and family member help even the youngest family member keep track of who’s doing what and where.

Hassle 5. WASTED TIME IN CAR POOLS (“Do we have to wait until his game is over?”)

Did you feel more like a taxi cab driver than parent or spend hours waiting in your car for your kid’s lessons to be over? Did your kids resent waiting for the other sibling’s practice to be out? Then set up the inside of your car as a mini-office to utilize that lull time more productively. Hang a shoe sorter over seat back as a toy organizer, have spare books or tapes to listen to, provide a small ice chest to stock with juice boxes and water which turns into a spare desk, fill a bin with school supplies (pencils, pens, binder paper, flash cards, dictionary, calculator) for the child to study those spelling words or homework while waiting for a siblings game to be over, stock cookie sheets under the front seat to pull out as an instant desk or tray.

Hassle 6. MISSING TEACHER/COACH NOTES (“Did you sign the teacher’s note?”)

If missing teacher notes, coach memos, scouting policies, school notices, or conference schedules was a reoccurring problem, set a new family policy: “Walk in, open your backpack, and put any notes or graded papers in the basket.” Then put a basket near that door, and consistently check it nightly. Tend to those items needing your signature, and put them ASAP inside your child’s backpack for next day delivery.

Hassle 7. PARENT OVERLOAD (“Come on, Mom! We have to get going!”)

Did you feel like a hamster on a wheel – running in circles, doing it all, and never getting anywhere? This year it may be time to back off just a bit. Here are ideas: Always rescuing? Then stop. Your kids need to take ownership and stop relying on you as their savior. After all, homework, sports gear, library books are your kid’s responsibility, not yours. Adopt your new mantra: “Never do for your kid what your kid can do for himself.” Then announce it to your kids and stick to it. Do everything? Delegate some of those chores to your kids. Research says kids who do chores are more successful students but also turn out to be more responsible. Say “yes” too easily? Write “No” on an index card and tape it to your phone. Anytime anyone asks you to take on one more thing, say you’ll have to think about it first and call back. The stall time gives you time to think whether you really want to take bake those cupcakes or drive one more place. Stressed out? Hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign for a few minutes at the same time each night with a strict rule: No one may disturb you until you remove that sign.

Remember: A happier, less-stressed parent turns out happier, less stressed kids.

So what’s your biggest reoccurring back-to-school hassle? Now is the time to come up with a solution.

Happy back to school!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

9 Tips to Minimize Our Nagging and Maximize Their Learning Until They Can Do Homework Solo!

“You can’t make me!”

“Why do I have to do homework?”

“Can’t I pleeeeease just go to bed?”

Homework time in many families can be very stressful and tension-filled for both child and parent. According to a survey by Public Agenda almost half of all parents of school-age students said they have arguments involving tears or yelling with their kids about homework. And one third of parents admit those school assignments cause repeated kid meltdowns.

There is some controversy about the effectiveness of homework  in enhancing achievement in the younger grades, but research does say that the right kind of assignments do help kids acquire essential skills for success in school and life such as organization, self-pacing, problem solving, internal motivation, concentration, memory, goal setting, good old “stick-to-it-ness.”

So how much is too much …. or what is the right amount of homework for kids? Research at Duke University reviewed over 60 studies and found “that more is not necessarily better” especially when it comes to younger kids. The researcher came up with the “10 minute Rule” based on study findings as the right amount which means 10 minutes of homework a night per grade level as the optimum amount for learning. Using that formula a first grader gets 10 minutes a night, fifth grader gets  50 min…and so on. The idea is to gradually increase the work load as kids’ mature and develop the skills for independent learning. By middle school and high school the amount will vary by subject or research projects.

Here are nine tips I shared with parents this morning on Martha Stewart Living to make homework time more successful this year for your child and you.

1. Know the teacher’s expectations. Be clear as to each teacher’s homework policy so you are all on the same page from the get-go. Find out how long should take on the average per night. That answer will help your determine if your child has too much work, is a procrastinator, has a learning disability or lacks study skills. Then talk with your child so he knows you are not only aware of the teachers’ expectations but  also support them.

2. Praise effort and not the “end product.” Kids needs to learn the importance of hard work and effort. Homework provides a great opportunity for you to reinforce your child’s perseverance. You might start a family motto such as “Never Give Up!” or “Don’t quit until you succeed” or “In this family, we finish what we start,” Perhaps the most important trait that doing homework instills in our children is perseverance. And the only way they’ll learn to value effort is by our steady emphasis of “it’s not good enough just to start; you have to finish.” (And research at Columbia University by Carol Dweck found that when you emphasize Effort “You’re working so hard” over Smarts “You’re so smart, you can do it!” you actually will increase your child’s persistence).

3. Be a guider not doer. Insist homework be your child’s responsibility not yours. Resist the temptation of always sitting next to her and offer your help only when it’s really needed. If your child is having difficulties, help her understand the work by making up similar problems and showing her step by step how to do it. Then watch her try to do one on her own. That way you won’t be doing all the work for her. Asking her to show you her completed work at the end of each row or section is another way to ensure she’s following the directions correctly but not relying on you for every detail. You can start “weaning” a child from having you sit right next to her by saying: “You do the first one. We’ll do the next together.” Then the next week: “You do the first row. I’ll check the next row.” The next week: “You do the first half. I’ll come back and check the second half.” You’ll using the baby step model and slowing weaning your child from you always doing and being there. You goal is to merely check completed work. If you always do it with your child you’ll never be able to help the child do the task alone at school. Right?

4. Make homework be required…not a choice. From the beginning of the school year maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Your kid needs to know that homework is not an option. Enforce the “work before play” rule.

5. Develop a weekly homework reminder. Teach your child to create a simple reminder of daily or weekly assignments as well as a long-term projects and reports. A white board or chalkboard is preferable because it is reusable. Just be sure to hang it in a central place. List the days of the week, and then help the child jot down regular daily or weekly assignments. For instance: Monday: Sharing; Wednesday: Library; Friday: Spelling Test. Use photographs or icons for nonreaders (for example a picture of a book for library day). The ultimate goal is for your child to track of his own daily assignments without your reminders, but you know that will take some time.

6. Create a special homework spot. Involve your child in the selection and stock it with necessary school supplies. The general rule is the younger the child, the closer that spot will be near you. Put the computer in a place where you can carefully view what your child is doing online.

7. Set a routine. Select a time that works best for your kid to do his—after school, before dinner, after dinner—then stick to it. Ask your child for his input and do try to accommodate his schedule. A set and predictable schedule helps defray the battles and gets your kid on a routine. You may want to even post your agreement in a visible place and then sign it. Many kids need a break after school, while others like to delve right in. Find your child’s best time work time and consistently reinforce it. Drawing a clock face that shows the set homework time is helpful for younger children.

8. Teach study skills. A common reason for homework battles is that the child hasn’t learned essential study skills. Here are a few such skills to help your child:

• Make a ‘To Do’ list first: Help your child make a list of what needs to be done in order of priority, and then cross each off as completed. A young child can draw a different task on paper strips  put them in the order he plans to complete each homework, and then tear off a strip as each task is finished until no more remain.

• Chunk tasks: Tell your child to do  “one chunk at a time” to seem less overwhelming then gradually increase the size of the “work chunks” as your child’s confidence and ability increases.

• Do the hardest first: Encourage your child to do the hardest assignment first since it takes more concentration and longer to do.

• Beat the clock: To help with time management, give your child an oven-timer or stopwatch. Tell him to set the time for a specified amount (that he can do.. like five minutes) and encourage him to work by himself until the time runs out. Gradually stretch the time as your child’s attention span increases.

• Put finished tasks away, ASAP: Set a routine that the finished task is immediately put into a folder, placed in the backpack and set by the door ready for next morning.

9. Consider a getting a tutor. If you do find homework battles increasing, you are doing most of your child’s work or your child is having a difficult time mastering the subject despite your help, consider hiring a tutor. Ask your teacher or other parents for recommendations including even a high school student. The goal of homework should always be to enhance your child’s learning abilities and confidence while at the same time preserving the relationship with your child.

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more parenting advice follow me on twitter at Michele Borba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’s Reality Check. My upcoming TODAY show segments or media appearances are listed on my homepage, Michele Borba. For specific parenting advice refer to my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries or my other 22 publications.

3 steps to help kids and teens learn healthy ways to handle stress as they start a new school year

Think stress is just for adults? Not these days.

Research finds that between 8 and 10 percent of American children and teens are seriously troubled by stress and symptoms. And stress is also hitting our children at younger ages. If left untreated stress not only affects children’s friendships as well as school success, but also their physical and emotional well-being. Chronic stress symptoms break down children’s immune system as well as increasing their likelihood for depression.

One thing is certain: stress is part of life and each child handles stress differently. The critical four parenting questions are:

How does my child handle stress?

What could be triggering the stress?

What can I do to reduce unhealthy stress?

And does my child know healthy ways to reduce the stress?

Here are three steps to reduce kid stress and solutions to help children and teens cope with stress especially as they head off for a new school year.

STRESS BUSTER STEP 1. Defuse Home Stress

One recent study found that 85% of teens say they are stressed—and the number one cause: the stress at home! It may be time to take a Home Climate Stress Check. Here are just a few things to consider:

How is the everyday climate in your home? Does it increase your kid’s stress level or help him relax? Are there opportunities for your family to relax?

Are you watching your family’s diet intake for things that could increase stress?

Are there times you’re modeling how to let down and cool off to your kids?

Are you checking your kids’ (and yours) stress loads?

Are you making sure sleep is on everyone’s agenda?

Are you taking time to talk to your kids about their day and their worries?

Are you checking your kids’ work load? Can they keep up?

Watch out! Stress is mounting and is impacting our children’s emotional health. Competition, after school activities, a lack of sleep, a crunched schedule, peer pressure, tests, and bullying are just a few things that boost our kids unhealthy stress levels. Make sure your home is a place where your kids can de-stress. Build in times where you and your kids can relax.

STRESS BUSTER STEP 2: Know Your Child’s Stress Signs

Each kid responds differently, but the key is to identify your child’s physical behavioral or emotions signs before he is on overload. A clue is to look for behaviors that are not typical for your child. Here are common stress signs to look for in your child:

• Physical Stress Signs: Headache, neck aches and backaches, Nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomachache, vomiting, Shaky hands, sweaty palms, feeling shaky, lightheadedness, Bedwetting, Trouble sleeping, nightmares, Change in appetite, Stuttering. Frequent colds, fatigue

• Emotional or Behavior Stress Signs: New or reoccurring fears; anxiety and worries, Trouble concentrating; frequent daydreaming, Restlessness or irritability, Social withdrawal, unwilling to participate in school or family activities, Moodiness; sulking; or inability to control emotions, Nail biting; hair twirling; thumb-sucking; fist clenching; feet tapping, Acting out, anger, aggressive behaviors such as tantrums, disorderly conduct, Regression or baby-like behaviors, Excessive whining or crying, Clinging, more dependent, won’t let you out of sight, withdrawal

STRESS BUSTER STEP 3. Teach Family Members How to Handle  Stress

This last step is crucial but often overlooked: Make sure you teach your child a specific way to reduce stress. Without knowing how to cut the stress, it will only mount. Here are a few strategies. Choose the one that works best for you and your family. Then practice, practice, practice until it becomes a habit and your child can use the stress reducer without you.

• Melt the tension. Tell your child to make his body feel stiff and straight like a wooden soldier. Every bone from his head to toe is “tense” (or “stressed”). Now tell him to make his body limp (or “relaxed”) like a rag doll or windsock. Once he realizes he can make relax, he can find the spot in his body where he feels the most tension; perhaps his neck, shoulder muscles, or jaw. He then closes his eyes, concentrates on the spot, tensing it up for three or four seconds, and then lets it go. While doing so, tell him to imagine the stress slowly melting away from the top of his head and out his toes until he feels relaxed or calmer.

• Use a positive phrase. Teach your child to say a comment inside her head to help her handle stress. Here are a few: “Calm down.” “I can do this.” “Stay calm and breathe slowly.” “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

• Teach elevator breathing. Tell your child to close his eyes, slowly breath out three times, then imagine he’s in an elevator on the top of a very tall building. He presses the button for the first floor and watches the buttons for each level slowly light up as the elevator goes down. As the elevator descends, his stress fades away.

• Visualize a calm place. Ask your child to think of an actual place he’s been to where he feels peaceful. For instance: the beach, his bed, grandpa’s backyard, a tree house. When stress kicks in, tell him to close his eyes, imagine that spot, while breathing slowly.

• Blow your worries away. An instant way to relax is taking a slow deep breath from your diaphragm that gets oxygen to your brain. A quick way to teach the skill is to tell her to pretend she’s blowing up a balloon in her tummy (as you count “one, two, three” slowly). Then she lets the air out with an exaggerated “Ah-h-h-h” sound (like when the doctor looks in her throat). Explain that taking slow breaths from deep in your tummy will help blow her worries away and then encourage her to practice taking slow, steady breaths by blowing soap bubbles or using a pinwheel.

• Find a relaxer. Every child is different, so find what helps your kid relax, and then encourage him to use it on a regular basis. Some kids respond to drawing pictures or writing about their stress in a journal. Other kids say imagining what “relaxing” or “calm” feels like helps. (Show him how to make his body feel like a slowly moving fluffy white cloud or a rag doll). Or allocate a cozy place in your home where your kid can chill out when he needs to ease the tension.

All kids will display signs of stress every now and then. Be concerned when you see a marked change in what is “normal” for your child’s behavior that lasts longer than two weeks. When you see your child struggling and feeling overwhelmed, it’s time to seek help from a mental health professional.  And don’t wait: Stressed-out kids are two to four times more likely to develop depression, and as teens they are much more likely to become involved with substance abuse.

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more parenting advice follow me on twitter at Michele Borba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’s Reality Check. My upcoming TODAY show segments or media appearances are listed on my homepage, Michele Borba. For specific parenting advice refer to my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries or my other 22 publications.