Twin U.S. birth rate skyrockets: Parenting tips for raising multiples 

A report out this week shows that many parents are seeing double (literally) these days. The twin birth rate in the U.S. has more than doubled over the last three decades. For a bit of perspective: In 2009 one in every 30 babies born was a twin-an astounding increase over the one in 53 rate in 1980.

Reasons for the increase include more women delaying having a family until over 30 (and for some reason, moms in their 30s are more likely to have twins than younger or older women) as well as the rise in fertility drugs and treatment.

But despite the joy of giving birth, the reality is there are unique parenting challenges in raising multiples. You probably are more exhausted and financially strapped, but there are also special concerns as well. Among them:

How do I help my children develop their own individual identifies?

Should twins share the same classroom?

Should they have the same friends?

What about those language delays studies show are prevalent with twins

Here are few proven solutions to parenting those wonderful multiples.

Get Knowledgeable

While the basics of good parenting work for any child, there are unique issues when raising multiples. So start by gaining a perspective on the special challenges you may face. The Scientific American’s article: “Identical Twins’ Genes Are Not Identical” is a fascinating read. You also might get yourself a subscription to TWINS Magazine or read one of these great resources:

~ It’s Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence, by Susan Heim. You can follow Susan on twitter @ParentingAuthor

~ Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, by Joan Friedman 

~ Raising Twins After the First Year: Everything You Need to Know About Bringing Up Twins—From Toddlers to Preteens, by Karen Gottesman

Encourage Individuality

Multiples often look, act and even think alike, and in addition because they share similar interests, classrooms, scout troops, friends, and even birthdays, others often see them as “package deal.”

What’s more because they share so many similarities, they are constantly compared to one other and fuel competition amongst them. And that’s a huge disservice to their emotional growth. After all, these kids are also separate and unique and deserve to be treated as individuals. So:

~ Find the unique talent or strength in each sibling–singing, karate, guitar, a jazz dancing group basketball, drawing, surfing, or whatever. Then provide individual opportunities to nurture her talent so she is recognized for her special abilities.

~ Encourage them to try at least one separate activity such as scouting, Boys and Girls Club, a swim team. Parents often sign multiples up for the same activities or sport team (I know, it’s easier to carpool but…) which may force competing against each other.

~ Refrain from labeling! Watch out about calling one child more “gifted” or “our little student.”

Make Things Fair, Not Equal

Don’t try to parent so you try to make everything equal by treating each child the same. It’s impossible! Instead, parent for fairness, which means treating each child justly by adjusting your standards and expectations based on each individual child’s needs. For instance:

~ Discipline separately. Lay down the same rules, but discipline each child separately. Never punish them as a unit when only one is responsible).

~ Honor individual needs. Establish the same computer times, but if one needs more time for homework the other knows that school comes first. Set clear bathroom schedules, but if one sibling has an upcoming event the other switches their times. Buy toys for both your kids to share but make sure that each child has their own (and books and clothes) and that each item is clearly labeled.

Talk, Talk, Talk  to Your Children

Multiples spend more time with one another and sometimes even develop a private language. Because they rely on one another they also spend less talking time with parents and are at a greater risk for language delays than singletons and that could impact their language, IQ and academic potential. The influence of parent-child conversation – particularly in the early years–has a profound impact on your children’s language development. So look for ways to talk to your kids during normal, everyday activities.

~ Read to them and find time for frequent family meals (which has great potential for talking and listening).

~ Speak out loud about the things you are thinking—whether it’s your to-do list, dinner menu, or plans to visit your mother so they can hear your inner dialogue.

~ Invite your friends and family over. Just having more adults around will help increase each child’s exposure to speech.

Weigh the Classroom Scene Carefully

While you want to help each sibling develop their own unique individuality and have separate experiences, the parenting premise doesn’t apply when it comes to school.

~ Know the research. All twin development research in the past 20 years finds that “twins who are allowed to be together in preschool and as long as they want to be in the early elementary years seem to make a much better adjustment both academically and socially that those who are arbitrarily separated.” Once the adjustment to school is accomplished, separation in later grades happens naturally and easily.” Of course, decide what you think is best for your kids, but do know the research.

~ Watch for learning disabilities. Some research suggests that twins, especially twin boys, are more likely to suffer from learning disabilities. Fraternal twins have a forty percent chance of sharing learning disabilities while identical twins have been found to have a sixty-eight percent chance. Be alert, and consider having one or both assessed for learning disabilities if there are academic difficulties.

Take Care of Yourself

Multiple kids may double your pleasure but it also doubles the stress. Some research suggests that the added stress of multitasking can put a strain on not only you but also your marriage. For instance:

~ Join a Mothers of Multiples group,  such as National Organization of Mother of Twins Clubs or Multiple Birds Canada .

~ Spend time-just a bit-away from your kids.  Take a short walk, hire a baby-sitter so you can go to a movie, join an exercise club, or just ride bikes together. The activity doesn’t have to cost a dime.

~ Find “you” time. Find what helps you stay balanced and relaxed and ink that into your daily routine. Setting aside just ten minutes a day may be all it takes but those minutes will help you take on the challenge of parenting multiples.

The Rescuing Hug

One touching and widely circulated article described how twins born prematurely were placed in separate incubators. A short while later one twin was fighting for her life and no treatment seemed to help. A concerned neonatal nurse decided to put the twins together in one incubator and then watched in awe as the healthy twin snuggled up and wrapped her tiny arm around her sick sister.

Within minutes the sick twin’s blood oxygen rates stabilized and the child recovered. Nothing I’ve ever seen describes the extraordinary bond of multiples. Remember that regardless of the complications and special challenges, you are parenting a most unique relationship. Enjoy!

8 crucial steps educators and parents can take to reduce peer cruelty and create caring, respectful learning environments 

Studies show that bullying is intensifying in our schools. We are also seeing an epidemic of so-called bullying prevention programs. Beware: three fourths of those programs which have been evaluated are ineffective in curbing bullying (Farrington). Those one-time “Stop Bullying” assemblies or posters plastered on walls may look good, but are largely ineffective in reducing aggressive behaviors.

Bully prevention is not a program, but an ongoing process to achieve systemic change in your school . The best approach to stopping bullying is always data-driven and evidence based, has buy-in by all stakeholders (parents, staff and students), ongoing training and utilizes a few crucial components. The goal is always about creating a school culture that is based on compassion, respect and justice.

Bullying can be reduced. What it takes to turn a troubling trend around are committed, compassionate educators and parents who work together in creating a safe and caring learning environment based on sound, proven principles.

Last night I took part in a fabulous twitter chat about bullying with dozens of educators and parents. (Talk about synergy and incredible ideas!) As promised, I’m inserting all of my tweets for the chat (at the end of this post) as well as the keys to successful implementation for educators and parent-teacher organizations – your roadmap to getting starting or checking to ensure you have the pieces in place.

Bullying Prevention Resources: Please also refer to my website Michele Borba where you will find 17 specific articles about bullying (Signs of Bully, How to Mobilize Bystanders, What to Do If Bullying Intensifies, etc) as well as a twenty minute video of a keynote I recently gave to the Character Education Partnership about implementation and a clip from my Dateline special on how to mobilize bystanders.

Crucial R’s to REDUCE Bullying

Here are what I call the Crucial R’s to REDUCE Bullying I use in my work in schools. The R’s have effectively reduced violence, aggression and bullying behaviors school-wide and became the basis of the Proposal to End School Violence (SB1667) I wrote for the state of California.

Yes, there is a lot here – but we’re changing the culture of a school and the behavior of students. Start by checking which elements you already have in place, and then add one more step at a time until you reap the change your students deserve. This is meant as only a simple beginning plan.

1. REALIZE Negative Impact

Bullying must be taken seriously and it has deadly consequences to not only a child’s feelings of emotional safety but also to the entire learning culture. Bullying is learned. It is also intensifying and starting at younger ages. Schools most effective at reducing this behavior recognize it is a serious problem. Educational authorities must put the reduction of bullying as a high priority.

The key is to ensure that all stakeholders understand the potential severity and lasting effect bullying can have on all students and staff. Education is key. Hold those courageous conversations. Read and review material. Keep discussing the kind of culture you want at that school and the type of students you hope will nurture. That discussion must involve your staff and your parents.

2. REVIEW Data and Be Evidence Based

Schools who are best at reducing bullying use their own data (not the school next door) based on anonymous surveys of their students to determine bullying frequency, location and intensity. Those educators then get on board together, review solid research-based proven strategies to turn this behavior around (such as Ken Rigby’s approach in Australia and Dan Olweus in Norway) and stay committed until they results. See also Step 6.

3. RULES Against Cruelty Announced and Followed By All

Educators must announce to their students that this behavior is not only inappropriate but will be closely monitored. There will be consequences and students will be held accountable. Parents, students and educators are jointly aware of the consequences. All educators must be trained how to respond to bullying each and every time. Many students sign a pledge to adhere to those rules. This is when you can get your students involved making those posters, signs and buttons. Your key question to answer is this: “If a brand new student came to your school in the next hour, how long would it take for him or her to recognize what those rules are?” Visibility is key! The ultimate goal is transparency.

4. RECOGNIZE Bullying Signs

All stakeholders must learn to recognize now only what bullying is but also what the signs of bullying. Only then will they be able to respond correctly. You will need to ensure that everyone knows how to respond to the incident. Educating adults via workshops, newsletters, and parent workshops is critical. Ongoing training (not just a once a year venture) is essential.

All adults must be committed and on the “same page” and use a common definition. Without that common definition you will water down your effectiveness and be unable to respond consistently to bullying behaviors.

Olweus definition is most frequently used: Bullying always has three components: 1. A negative, cruel intent; 2. Repeated aggression or cruel behavior; 3. A power imbalance (one child can not hold their own against the perpetrator).

There are also five types of bullying: physical, verbal, emotional, sexual and electronic. While physical bullying is usually the easiest to spot (hitting, kicking, shoving, slamming resulting in bumps and bruises) and verbal bullying can be heard (racial slurs, homophobic comments, cruel, vicious comments) other types of bullying are more difficult to decipher: emotional (exclusion, shunning, rejection, rumors), sexual or electronic (cyberbullying, sexting, images).

In fairness to educators, most bullying in classrooms happens when a teacher’s back is turned, a substitute is present or in rooms where the “home room” teacher is not there and of the more subtle type. Bullying peaks at middle schools where students also have multiple teachers.

Create a response plan that is based on degree of intent and frequency. Best consequences for bullying are seeped in justice and empathy. Remember, you want to reeducate the bully as well.

5. REPORTING Must Be Designated

Students must be given multiple options to report including a website, phone hot line, reporting box, staff members. Give options!

~ One of the simplest ways to determine where bullying is happening on a school campus (as well as the time and who bullies are) is using a Report Box. The box is wooden or metal and designed like a mailbox (open slot on top) with a bolt lock. Boxes are distributed in several locations around the school (libraries, office, classrooms). Students may then write any threats they experienced or witnessed and insert them in the boxes. Principals and teachers are able to track those responses and make bullies accountable as well as keep track as to where students do not feel safe.

~ Students also need to know which adults to turn to who will believe them and respond. Designate staff members who are trained in response then announce those names to students.

Beware: seventy-five percent of bullying starts as verbal abuse and then escalates. A key is to stop bullying before it escalates.

6. RECOGNIZE Hot Spots and Hot Times Based On Data

Bullying is most prone to happen in certain school locations: bathrooms, lunchrooms, classrooms and hallways. Forty-three percent of U.S. school-aged students say they fear using the school restroom due to bullying. Identify your hot spots and hot times (the place and time bullying occurs).

Don’t say this is too costly! Here are two no-cost (cheap!!) ways to get instant evidence of hot spots at your school.

~ Give every student a map of the school. Just copy off the map of the school inside your handbook on an 81/2 x 11″ sheet. Now instruct each student to mark with a green pen the places they (or their friends) feel “safest”; a yellow pen “where you sometimes feel “unsafe” and red where you “avoid” or have seen “bullying.”

~ Give every student a 3 x 5 inch card tomorrow. Ask them to jot dot the time and place they feel “least” safe at school. Tell them not to sign it so they feel comfortable giving you that information. Collect the cards! You’ll have an instant assessment.

Research by Dan Olweus found that boosting adult supervision (even putting up mirrors and video cameras—if you can’t afford film don’t put it in –just don’t tell the kids!) or student hall monitors in identified hot spots reduces bullying by almost fifty percent!

The gold star goes to a North Penn principal who made a full size cardboard likeness of herself with a sign that said, “I’m watching you! You’ll never know when I’m going to show up!” and stuck it in the hall. Clever!

6. REBUILD A Culture of Caring and Mobilize Your Bystanders! 

Research shows that best hope we have for reducing bullying is to change the school culture by boosting a tone of empathy, respect and compassion.

~ Classrooms with a more democratic (not autocratic) tone are more successful at reducing bullying. Classroom meetings and cooperative learning structures are two best practices in boosting democratic atmosphere.

~ Mobilize student bystanders who are witnessing bullying. Studies at the University of Toronto show that students who step in within the first ten seconds can effectively stop bullying. The trick is teaching students how to step in so they will not be hurt, mobilize their empathy so they will step in and teach strategies so they know what they can do to effective stop a bullying incident. Role play those skills with your students. (Please refer to my website for the complete plan of how to mobilize bystanders by teaching them Bully BUSTERS).

~ Enlist the support of your more popular students who can become leaders in the social network. Bullying is by nature a relationship issue. New research at UCD finds that students at the second tier on the popularity ladder often use aggressive means to weave their way into the social scene.

7. RETEACH Habits and RECOGNIZE Your Bullies and Your Bullied Students

Counselors and teachers must identify those students who are bullies and children who are more likely to be victimized (and both can be easily overlooked). Beware: a child who bullies at age eight has a one in four chance to have a criminal record by the age of 26 (Eron).

Bullying can do severe emotional damage to a child. We see this with a rash of horrific bullicides. Enough!

Both the bully and the bullied will need specific help to change their behavior habits. Do not overlook the impact on your bystanders: new research shows that those children are witnessing cruelty and in some cases can begin to display symptoms of PTSD.

Bullying can be reduced but only with certain methods. Do not apply the “cookie cutter-one tip fits all” approach. Instead, analyze why the bully is bullying — what is the benefit? Why does he need to resort to aggression to get his needs met (for instance: poor anger management, lack of social skills, wants power, lacks empathy). You’ll need to ask the same question for the child who is bullied.

Also new research shows that bullies and the bullied child can “flip” roles – 13 percent of the time the bullied child becomes the bully and vice versa. We know what works.

8. REACH and Educate Parents

Finally, we must reach out to parents as our allies in this effort. Farrington’s meta-analysis of the effective of 600 bully prevention programs (only one quarter show gains!) found that parent involvement is crucial in the process. In particular:

~ Educate parents in the signs of bullying so they can stop behaviors before they become entrenched

~ Encourage parents to discuss the school policy about bullying with their children

~ Invite parents to your assemblies so they can be on the “same page” as their children.

~ Video your bullying programs so that parents unable to attend can review your efforts with their children

~ Inform parents what to do if they witness bullying or if their child is bullied

~ Help parents learn how to teach their children (bullies, bullied and bystanders) specific skills to help them

~ Start book clubs for parents or have Moms and Daughters, Dads and Sons, or Coaches and Kids!!!! read books about bullying and discuss them together.

~ Hold a movie night where parents watch The Bully Project or Bullied to Silence (two fabulous new movies about bullying about to hit the theaters).

Final Thoughts

The goal of bullying prevention is not a one-time assembly or a poster competition. To reduce a cycle of cruelty we must teach our children new habits and new attitudes and replace aggression and the lack of empathy. This is doable.

Bullying is learned, but so too is compassion. Aggression is contagious, but so too is kindness.

It’s now up to adults to step up and implement proven, effective techniques that are evidence based.

Our children deserve better.

My Tweets from the Bullying Twitter Chat

For those of you who asked for the tweets I sent out during the hour-long twitter chat last night here they are. For those of you unfamiliar with twitter, I apologize for the abbreviations. You only have 140 characters! You can follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

• 1^st step: take this seriously! Bullying can become entrenched. It’s LEARNED & can be UNLEARNED. Schs & parents make a difference #ptchat
• 3 elements of bullying: INTENTIONAL cruelty, Power imbalance, Repeated negative intent (Olweus) #ptchat
• SUCCESSFUL PROGRAM?
• Critical to success participation by ALL stakeholders: students, staff, parents & community #ptchat
• Establish committee inc parents/staff/students to dev sch bullying policy & coordinate bullying preven. #ptchat
• Sch culture key-take steps to ensure staff/students/parents see prevention of bullying as core value & belief of sch #ptchat
• Think of bullying prevention as ongoing PROCESS not PROGRAM Goal =change culture, behavior, attitudes #ptchat
• DOABLE. Research shows when schs implement COMPREHESIVE approach bullying SS reduced #ptchat
• Est clear policy prohibiting bullying & communicate to ALL students, staff AND parents #ptchat
• We need to make it easier for students to come to adults to talk abt harassment & we MUST respond #ptchat
• 1^st step- conduct anonymous survey of students abt bullying: prevalence, types, areas occurring, who. #ptchat
• Most successful bullying prevention always DATA driven –based school culture not sch next door #ptchat
• Meta analysis 600 bullying “programs” found only ¼ succeed –Don’t implement w/out proof #ptchat
• Become informed consumers of anti-bullying curricula. A lot out & most DO NOT wk Must have rigorous evaluation #ptchat
• MUST read: Effectiveness of School-Based Anti-Bullying Programs: A Meta-Analytic Rev – Ferguson #ptchat
• MUST read: School-Based Programs to Reduce Bullying & Victimization (Farrington, Ttofi) #ptchat
• Pay special atten to students at risk for bullied: isolated, spec ed, ESL, phy characteristics, new #ptchat
• Reports show Asian Am studs most bullied in US schs than other ethnic grps; 3x more likely on Internet #ptchat
• UCD: pop kids (except at top of social ladder) most likely to act aggressively tow other kids #ptchat
• Key QN Why bullying is working from view of bully-goals served. Ans helps u dev plan to stop it #ptchat
• Eron: kid repeatedly bullies at age 8 has ¼ odds criminal record age 26; aggression bec entrenched #ptchat
• 3 victims: bullied: emo & physical well-being; bystander: watching cruelty,  empathy curbed; bully: adopting aggression #ptchat
• Bullying learned so can be unlearned; we must replace aggression w empathy, coflict resol, anger mgnt etc #ptchat
• Boost supv areas & times “Hot Spots”bullying most frequent; Adult visibility easiest way to reduce #ptchat
• Prime bullying Hot Spots: playgrd corners, lockers, back of buses, cafeteria (exclusion), restrooms #ptchat
• 43% of US students fear using school restrooms due 2 bullying (kid rushing home 2 use bathrm = bullying sign #ptchat
• Core 2 reduce bullying-adult visibility, consistency, warmth, clear expectations, respect don’t cost a dime #ptchat
• Raise stud/staff/parent awareness thru sch-wide activites, videos, assemblies, posters, buttons, pledges #ptchat
• Assemblies do NOT stop bullying but mobilize communities to be on same page & great 1^st step #ptchat
• Ongoing –not once a yr -training for teachers & staff abt bullying key to share same response & know signs #ptchat
• Aggression/bullying is contagious! So too is compassion and kindness #ptchat
• 2/3 studs  not bullies or bullied but bystanders-mobilize their compassion/teach how to step in safely #ptchat
• I advocate changing school culture by encouraging bystanders to condemn bullying – social netwk critical #ptchat
• Target bystanders gives better chance 2 create sch culture bullying discouraged not rewarded #ptchat
• Bullying usually requires degree of social support – kids at top of social hierarchy in power to stop bullying #ptchat
• Imp of how peers & adults respond to bullying can’t be overestimated #ptchat
• Peers who intervene 2 stop bullying succeed in ½ time; but stand up in less than 20% (Pepler) #ptchat
• Bullying often a social event – audience 85% of time are peers #ptchat
• 2/3 studs  not bullies or bullied but bystanders-mobilize their compassin/teach how to step in safely #ptchat
• Hold parent movie nite: See”The Bully Project” or “Bullied to Silence” both at theatres soon #ptchat
• Parents involvement crucial: offer inform abt bullying incidents, rev sch policy w kids, watch for signs #ptchat
• Start parent bk clubs to discuss bullying: Read The Bully, The Bullied & the Bystander, Coloroso #ptchat
• Mom/DO Bk Clubs abt mean girl: Girl Wars, Dellasega; Queen Bees & Wannabees (Wiseman) Odd Girl Out; Simon #ptchat
• Read to ur kids: Confessions of a Former Bully, Ludwig; Bullies Ar a Pain in the Brain, Romain #ptchat
• Bullied signs: sleep/eating diff, grade drop, unfounded phys complaints, wants to avoid sch, marked beh change etc #ptchat
• Take teacher seriously if she says your child may be bullying #ptchat
• Educate parents-what to do if child bullied – who to report to – post on sch website & how to help your child #ptchat
• Significant & pos effects for parent training * meetings in reducing bullying (Farrington) #ptchat
• Olweus, KiVa program; Steps to Respect, #ptchat
• Remember bullying is also a problem of values and relationships #ptchat
• If we are to reach real peace in the world, we shall have to begin with children.” Mahamta Gandhi #ptchat
• Perfect school is a Cheers place: A sch where everyone knows your name & everyone’s glad you came. Best hope to stop bullying #ptchat
• Caring, concerned, committed adults who model respect & expect nothing less have always made difference in our kids’ live #ptchat 

Parenting tips that teach kids to set their own resolutions and make them stick so they succeed! 

Do you know that goal-setting is one of the most highly correlated traits of peak performers and successful individuals? But goal-setting isn’t just for grown-ups.

Studies show that goal-setting can help kids gain the sense of discipline it takes to stay motivated to complete the tasks they’ve set for themselves. The best news is that goal-setting is a skill that we can teach our children at a young age. And once they’ve learned how to set their own goal it shows in their performance as well as in their self-esteem!

Goal-Setting Benefits for Kids

~ You’ll see your child start a school project–without waiting until the last minute–and finish it.

~ You’ll find your child doing his chores–without your nagging–because he knows he has to do them in order to start on his homework.

~ You’ll discover your child thinking through the jobs he needs to do for the week and making plans to complete them.

~ You’ll also see your child’s confidence grow as he succeeds in the goals he’s set for himself.

7 Steps to Teach Kids Goal-Setting

Here are simple ways to help kids understand what goals are, and why using them can enhance their chances of success.

Step 1. Define the term, “Goal”

One of the easiest ways to explain goals is to link the term to something children are familiar with such as hockey, soccer, or football.

You might say to your child:

“A goal is like a target or something you shoot for. A football player is aiming for a touchdown. A hockey or soccer player is shooting for a goal. Goals aren’t just for sports. Goals in life are something you shoot for to be more successful.  People set goals for things they want to achieve or get better at. Planning what you need to work on is called goal-setting. It’s a skill that will help you in school, at home, with your friends, or later in your job or as an adult. It’s a skill that helps you succeed.”

Step 2. Share Your Own Goals and Resolutions

To help children feel comfortable talking about goals, we parents need to share our own aspirations. So take time to share a few of your dreams and wishes and the resolution you plan to set for yourself like losing those extra pounds, learning to text, finally reading and finishing Moby Dick, taking that gourmet cooking class. Whatever!

The secret is to purposefully model goal-setting when your kids can watch or listen. In fact, modeling is such a simple way to learn the skill. All you need to remember is the formula for goal-setting: I will+ what + when and then teach it to your kids.

Goal Formula: I will + what + when: Goals usually start with the words I will and have two parts: a what and a when. The what explains what you want to accomplish. The when tells when you intend to accomplish it.

Then whenever an appropriate moment arises, put your goal into the language of the Goal Formula and model it so that you child sees formula in operation. For instance:

You walk in to the laundry room and find it piled high with dirty laundry. (No surprise in my house). It’s a perfect opportunity to model the formula. Tell what you hope to do, using goal language to your child: “I will get these clothes washed and dried by six o’clock” (what = washing and drying the clothes + when = by six o’clock). The key is that your kid has now overheard you saying your plan. Studies find that kids are far more likely to adopt a new habit or skill if they saw it in action (instead of via the lecture or the worksheet). 

Step 3. Create Kids Create Their “Dream List” 

Explain to your children that “goals start with dreams.” Then take time to discuss their dreams, wishes or aspirations. Next, provide paper and colored marking pens for each family member. Take turns writing or drawing dreams of what they wish they could “achieve or have or improve.” Reread the list and help your children select only dreams they actually have power to make happen.

Three crucial questions to assure your child’s success: These three questions help you determine if the goal is achievable for your child:

1. “Does my child have the necessary skills and knowledge to achieve the goal?”

2. “Does my child need much help from others to succeed at the goal?”

3. “Does my child have enough time to achieve the goal?”

If you answered “no” to any of the questions, you might want to help your child choose another goal.To achieve success the goal must be within your child’s ability and should be realistic. 

Help your child recognize that goal possibilities are endless. Here are 15 goal categories for kids to consider:

Goal Possibilities for Kids: Grades. Hobbies or interests. Friends. Exercise. TV viewing. Free time. Savings. Sports. Homework. School. Reading. Behavior. New Skills. Chores. New learning.

Step 4. Tailor the Goal to Your Child

First-time goal-setters need to see some immediate success. Have your younger (or first-time goal-setter)  set a goal that can be achieved at least within a week. Here’s a few goals children can achieve in a short time:

Short-Term Goal Possibilities 

• Finishing a simple school project
• Reading a book (or a page a night)
• Losing one pound
• Writing all those thank you notes
• Cleaning a closet
• Raking the front lawn leaves
• Learning how to address an envelope.
• Practicing the piano 15 minutes a day (then increasing to whatever length)
• Making his bed every day
• Picking up her toys and putting them in the toy bin at 3 pm every day
• Brushing his teeth without reminders.

Some children need to set even shorter goals: at the end of the hour, or a day. Set the length of the goal according to the time you think your child needs to succeed.

Step 5. Help Your Child Think Through Steps to Success

Once your child identifies his resolution or goal he needs to think through the steps to success.

The more children can think through their goal and identify what they need to do to achieve success, the greater the chance they will succeed.

These ideas help children learn to plan the steps they need to take in order to achieve their goals. Choose ones that may work best for your child.

Some kids need to write or draw all the steps. Other children can process this in their heads. Tailor the steps to your child’s ability and learning style,

1. Identify the what + when. First ask, “What do you want to achieve?” Help your child clarify his goal. Then ask, “When will you try to achieve your goal?” Here’s a few examples using the goal formula: “I will get 9 out of 10 spelling words right on my spelling test” “I will be one pound lighter on Tuesday.” “I will learn five math facts in 15 minutes.”

2. List what needs to be done. Ask, “What are all the things you need to do to achieve your goal?” Help your child write or draw a different task on index cards. When finished, reread the tasks and put them in order asking, “What should you do first, then second, and third…?” Keep arranging the strips in sequence, and then staple the packet together. Encourage your child to use the packet as he works on his goal. Each time a task is finished, your child tears off a strip until no more remain!

3. Gather your resources. Ask your child, “Who or what do you need to help you succeed in your goal?” Help your child list or identify all the needed resources. Suppose your child wants to increase his running time. He might list a coach to talk to about running techniques, his Dad to help him practice running, and his Mom to drive him to the track. On the “”What” or “Things” side he might include: an alarm clock to remind him to wake up earlier to get to the track, a stop watch to time himself, and graph paper to list his running times. Encourage him to hang up the page to remember his plan.

Step 6. Track Progress

Write your child’s goal on paper and tack it up on the refrigerator or bulletin board. Tell your child each time he works towards his goals, you’ll mark the effort on the paper. Helping our kids see their goal progress motivates them to keep on trying.

~ Try visual reminders. Stickers or gummed stars are always colorful incentives for younger children to stick onto the page to check their progress. Point out the improvements and say: “Look how much closer you’re getting to your goal!” 

~ Use a screensaver: Encourage tweens and teens to take a photo of their goal using their cell phone then keep it as a screen saver to remind them of their intention.

Step 7. Celebrate Family Goal Successes!

Nothing is more affirming to children than succeeding at goals they’ve worked hard to achieve. It’s the tangible proof your child interprets as, “I really did it!” and a great way to nurture your child’s self-confidence. As goals are achieved, celebrate them as a family. You might:

~ Capture the image: Photograph your child achieving her goal and framing it.

~ Victory log: Provide your child with a small notebook or journal (A Victory Log!) for your child to log each goal achievement.

~ Success dinner: Have a Victory Dinner where you cook your child’s favorite dinner and have a Victory Dinner.

~ Balloon pop: Take a dollar bill or a picture of an inexpensive prize and help your child tightly roll and insert it inside a large party balloon. Blow up the balloon and knot hte end. On the outside of the balloon use a black laundry pen to write or draw a goal your child wants to achieve. Tie string to the end and hang the balloon in a special place. Tell the child that the moment he achieves the goal, you will pop the balloon together. The prize inside will be his reward for his hard work. In the meantime, the blown baloon serves as a reminder to work hard at the goal.

Then, help your child set the next goal and the next and the next.

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books.

You can also refer to my daily blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check for ongoing parenting solutions, late-breaking news about child development and my TODAY show appearances.

You can also find dozens more research-based and practical tips on enhancing children’s motivation, goal setting as well as other topics in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

“I know my teacher gave me a present, but she’s getting paid for it.”

“Why should I write Grandma a thank you note?  I told her ‘thanks’ already.” 

“But it takes too much time! Can’t I just text a thank you?”

If those comments sound familiar, know you’re not alone. While kids love receiving those gifts, writing those thank yous is plain drudgery to most. But writing thank-you cards to others is a habit of gratitude we should encourage in our  children.

Taking time to convey thanks is a simple, proven way to boost gratitude.

Doing so is another way kids learn to consider other people’s feelings rather than just their own.

It also helps our kids understand that we expect them to use that practice.

And it helps bring back that glorious endangered tradition of the hand-written note! (Sigh!)

School-age kids should use this rule of writing thank you notes from the Etiquette and Leadership Institute in Athens, Georgia:

The total number of sentences in a thank-you note should be half the child’s age. So a ten-year-old should be expected to write a minimum of five complete sentences. A young child can dictate his comments and only needs to sign his name.

Creative Thank You Kid Options

The problem for most parents is getting kids to write them without it turning into a struggle.  One trick is to allow kids to create their own way of thanking the person. Here are a few creative thank-you card ideas for kids:

~ Video. Make a tape of video just for that person that expresses appreciation.

~ Photo. Take a photo of the child wearing or using the gift. The developed four-by-six inch print makes an instant postcard; the child just writes a brief note on the back and addresses and mails it.

~ Puzzle. Write the thank you on a piece of card stock and then cut it into a few pieces like a jigsaw puzzle.

~ Cereal spell out. Spell out the thank you use M&M’s or alphabet cereal glued on a piece of cardboard.

~ Skype it! Seeing the recipient up close and personal as the child conveys his thanks is a proven way to boost gratitude. Just have the child write a few lines (say it’s “like a screenplay”) prior to the call to help think through his reasons.

~ Fill in the blanks. Younger kids will have a harder time with those thank yous. So fill free to give them a template to fill in – or they can dictate their thoughts to you as you write down the words.

~ E-cards. If you can’t get beyond the struggle, then at least have your child choose from a variety of online thank you cards to fill out and send.

One way to instill your expectations is to reinforce one simple family rule: “You must write the thank you note first, and then you may use the gift.” From experience I can say this one really speeds up the process!

Kids learn gratitude by seeing others display appreciation in everyday, unplanned moments. So make sure your child is watching you write those thank you notes! (And while you’re at it, ask yourself how often your kids see you convey your appreciation with hugs, words or small notes to others?

How often do you tell your kids how much you appreciate them?

Tune up your attitude of gratitude so that your kids are more likely to copy your example.

Kid Books on “Gratitude Power”

The Thank You Book for Kids: Hundreds of Creative, Cool and Clever Ways to Say Thank You! by Ali Lauren Spizman

Love this one! It’s written by fourteen-year-old, Ali Lauren Spizman who is already a media veteran. Ali has appeared in television commercials, print advertising, radio interviews, and on The Cartoon Network in 1997 as a featured commentator. Best yet, every birthday since she was four, Ali has chosen to donate clothes and toys to a homeless shelter. And she has been writing thank-you letters since she was a little girl. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia with her family and has written a great book for kids filled with clever ways to make the often dull task of writing thank-you notes into an exciting exercise in creativity.

The Secret of Saying Thanks by Douglas Wood

“Perhaps you’d like to know a secret, one of the happiest ones of all. If you’ve not yet discovered the secret of saying thanks, it’s waiting for you.” In the inspirational text that made him a bestselling, internationally acclaimed author, Douglas Wood offers a spiritual homage to nature and the world. Greg Shed’s stunning portraits of the natural world tenderly portray all of the many ways in which we can say thanks for the wonders we sometimes take granted in life.

The Kids’ Guide to Writing Thank You Notes, by Jean Summers

This “how-to” for kids explains in a conversational tone why thank-you notes are important (and not just for those occasions when you get a gift), and teaches kids how to write them in five quick steps. For kids stumped for inspiration, the book includes a dozen sample notes and a list of fifty adjectives to describe just about every gift. There are even fill-in-the-blanks forms to get them going.

These are my three kid books on gratitude. What are your favorite books for kids? Do you have a clever way to get your kids to write thank yous? If so, please share!

Happy New Year!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more Practical Parenting Advice follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’ Reality Check.

Parenting Resolutions that Make Big Differences for Your Family

There’s no doubt that we want our children to become healthy, happy, responsible and productive. And oh the things we do, the energy we exert, and the money we spend to try to make happen. But how many of us achieve the success and see real changes in our families?

There is no doubt that setting the right kind of goals will positively impact on our families. The best news is that goals don’t have to be time-consuming or costly! The trick is finding goals that work for you and your family. I chose a few of my favorites that I’ve shared on the TODAY show and parents have reported they worked for them. Whatever goal you choose, I urge you to use the four essential Parenting Change Rules to help you be more likely to succeed.

Four Rules to Parent for Real, Lasting Change

Rule 1: Use the “One Rule”: Choose one (or at best no more than two) parenting goals that you can see yourself doing and is simple enough to fit into your lifestyle and will make a difference with your kids if you hang in there.You’ll be far more likely to succeed and boost your confidence that you can do this. You can add more parenting goals later. 

Rule 2: Use the Same Strategy: Use the SAME strategy to boost that parenting goal every day for a few minutes. It’s also best to do it at the same time everyday.

Rule 3: Use Reminders: Research also finds that visual or verbal cues can help you stay on track. Put a reminder on your screen saver. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you. Tag a big sign on your refrigerator. Or ask your kid to remind you (that always works!) The parenting resolution will then not only become a family routine, but more than likely greatly improve your relationship with your child.

Rule 4: Use the “2 Es”: Just remember: the best resolutions are EASY and EFFECTIVE (think of the Two E’s). Research also says lasting change takes a minimum of 21 days of repetition so hang in there!

10 Parenting Goals for 2012

These are just meant as mere ideas to get you thinking. Adapt the strategies anyway you want or come up with a far better one that will work for your family. Just do one! And if you start the resolution within 24 hours of reading this blog, chances are you will be more likely to succeed. Promise!

Parenting Goal 1. Increase Quality Family Time

Try this: Identify the time & place each day your child is most receptive to listening and you’re available–and plant yourself there. You don’t need a lot of time, but you do need “uninterrupted” time with your kids. Schedule it

~ Find the spot. Say it’s 5 pm around the refrigerator (that’s where my youngest was–so that’s the place I’d be each night). Or utilize the car pool: turn off the radio and talk. 

~ Make sure it’s “unplugged” time. No electronics (except kitchen appliances) allowed. Enforce  one rule: “During that time you may only talk to people in the room.” Apply that also during Family Meals.

~ Utilize bedtime. Research says kids are most receptive to us five minutes before they go off to sleep. So use that time to convey your love for your child during a bedtime ritual. You could review the day or hold a “strength talk” (hold your child’s hand in yours and for each finger tell him the five special things you love most about him).

~ Check that calendar carefully. Is there one thing you can cut??? Cutting just one activity a week can free up time.

Parenting Goal 2.  Don’t overextend so you have more family time

Try this: For parents who say “I don’t have enough time” tape an index card to your phone and write “NO” in block letters. When someone calls you (to bake more brownies, take on another unnecessary project) use your new rule is: “Tell the person ‘I’ll have to get back to you.’” You then have “stall” time to check your calendar and think through the “worth-it” factor of their request.

~ Say no to things that don’t directly involve your family, create unnecessary stress or is something you really don’t want to do.

Parenting Goal 3.  More positive school send-offs

Try this: Parents say that mornings generally are the most stressful time of the day  and the place where they are most prone to yell or just stress out. So identify your one reoccurring stress trigger and then create a simple solution.

~ You misplace car keys and go bonkers trying to find them every morning. Put up a hook by the door to put those keys.

~ Kids complain they can’t find their homework (and miss the bus trying to find it), put a “box catcher” by the door. They put their backpack with their homework  at night-not in the morning.

~ A little dawdler? He  lays his clothes out the night before and learns to set an alarm clock.

Parenting Goal 4. Stop being “The Negotiator”

Try this: If you find you’re always stepping in between sibling to solve battles teach simple strategies so they can work out their own problems.

~ Teach kids how to use a stop watch or set an oven timer for  three minutes. Each sibling knows they have equal time and when the timer goes off the “shared object” is passed to the other sibling who sets the same time. The timer reduces squabbles, keeps things “fair” and takes you out of the loop. Best yet your kids can use the timer to end friendship wars.

Parenting Goal 5. Boost exercise to reduce stress

Try this: Stress building because you have little time for exercise? Find one activity to do with your kids.The real trick is the word “with” which means less guilt for you, more time with the kids and the needed exercise.

~ Put your infant in a stroller and walk each day.

~ Ride a bike with your preschooler.

~ Find an exercise video and do with your daughter.

~ Put up a hoop and shoot with your son.

Parenting Goal 6.Wean kids off rewards

Try this:  Is your kids always need your approval or expect a reward,  just change your pronoun from “I” to “you.” That simple switch used consistently builds internal motivation and weans kids from needing your approval and being praise-a-holics. Not only will you save money but you’ll also boost your child’s self-esteem. 

~ Instead of “I am really proud of…” switch to: “You should be really proud of…(name the accomplishment).”

Parenting Goal 7.  Reduce family yelling

Try this: Start a “No yell policy” in your home, but get the kids involved as well. (Believe me, they’ll help you stick to that resolution). Then the second anyone’s voice goes up a decibel, use a designated non-verbal Time Out hand signal (like a coach) that signifies someone needs a breather to get himself back in control. Everyone must respect it. The family member can then walk away until calm enough to come back and then talk. This one will take consistently, but it works like a gem in rebuilding family harmony. Don’t give up!

Parenting Goal 8. Regular family connection

Try this: Research shows eating together regularly reduces your child’s likelihood for drugs, eating disorders, depression and improves grades). So do try to have more regular family meals. Forget gourmet and Martha Stewart. Anything goes!

~ If connecting is difficult because of hectic schedules, then set a time such as 8:30 pm each evening for 20 minutes when everyone stops and connect in the kitchen to briefly touch base, have a snack, debrief the day, and  say goodnight.

Parenting Goal 9. Nurture self-esteem

Try this: Research shows that all that random, sugar-coated praise does not work to increase self-esteem. What does help is specific praise so your child knows what he did that deserves approval.

~ Each day identify ONE thing your child did that deserves acknowledgement.  Point out the positive, earned trait or behavior, but also add “because” to your praise. That one word takes your praise up a notch and makes your statement more specific. Your child now understands what he did that you approved of and is also more likely to repeat the deed. For instance: “You were so kind BECAUSE you shared with your friends.”

Parenting Goal 10. Focus on the positive

Try: In a bit of a negative rut around your kids lately? Time to focus on the positive.

~ Start a Family Kindness Box (an old shoebox with a slit cut in the top will do). Then encourage your family members to look for others doing kind, positive things. Write or draw noteworthy deeds and slip in the box. Read those notes during the family meal or once a week at the Sunday breakfast. Kindness really is contagious. 

There are dozens of other possibilities. I wanted to just get your brain moving. Choose one that works best for you and your family. Simpler is better! Write your parenting goal down as a reminder to you (or tell your kids your new plan — they’ll remind you!) Then keep with it. The secret to turning activities into habits is consistency!

So what’s your resolution?

Happy New Year!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

I am an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books. You can also refer to my daily blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check for ongoing parenting solutions and late-breaking news about child development.

Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

All solutions in this blog were from my The Big Book of Parenting Solutions where you can also find dozens more of research-based and practical tips to raise strong kids from the inside out.