New research shows that children who can pass up a marshmallow are more likely to succeed as adults. But why? Here’s the secret every teacher and parent should know…

The Famous Marshmallow Test and Implications on Our Kids’ Later Success

In 1960, Walter Mischel, a psychologist at Stanford University, conducted the now famous Marshmallow Test. Mischel challenged a group of four-year-olds: Did they want a marshmallow immediately, or could they wait a few minutes until a researcher returned, at which point they could have two marshmallows? Mischel’s researchers then followed up on the children upon their high school graduation and found that those who had been able to wait for those marshmallows years before at age four now were far more socially competent: they were found to be more personally effective, self-assertive, and better able to deal with the frustrations of life. The third who waited longest also had significantly higher SAT scores by an average of two hundred points of the total verbal and math scores combined than the teens at four who couldn’t wait. Those results clearly revealed the importance of helping kids develop the ability to cope with behavioral impulses and learn self-control.

Mischel, who is now a professor at Columbia, and a team researchers are still tracking those four-year olds. Hundreds of hours of observations have been conducted over the years on those participants. At first researchers figured that the children’s ability to wait just depended upon how badly they wanted the marshmallow. But it became apparent that every kid wanted the treat. Mischel now concludes that something else was helping those kids put on the brakes so they could delay their desire. The finding is a critical secret to success and here it is:

Those kids who were able to hold off and not eat the initial marshmallow had learned a crucial skill that helped them do so.

The researcher calls that waiting ability  ”Strategic Allocation of Attention.” Jonah Lehrer described the self-control skill in an enlightening article entitled, “Don’t!: The Secret of Self-Control” (which I strongly recommend you read).

Instead of getting obsessed with the marshmallow—the “hot stimulus”—the patient children distracted themselves by covering their eyes, pretending to play hide-and-seek underneath the desk, or singing songs from “Sesame Street.” Their desire wasn’t defeated—it was merely forgotten. “If you’re thinking about the marshmallow and how delicious it is, then you’re going to eat it,” Mischel says. “The key is to avoid thinking about it in the first place.”

That finding has enormous ramifications for our children’s social, academic and even moral success.

Why We Can – and Must – Teach Our Kids to Delay Gratification

But here’s the good news: Mischel and his colleagues believe that parents and teachers may be able to teach children skills that help them learn how to delay gratification and stretch their patience quotients. As Lehrer explains in that The New Yorker article:

When he [Mishcel] and his colleagues taught children a simple set of mental tricks—such as pretending that the candy is only a picture, surrounded by an imaginary frame—he dramatically improved their self-control. The kids who hadn’t been able to wait sixty seconds could now wait fifteen minutes.

“All I’ve done is given them some tips from their mental user manual,” Mischel says. “Once you realize that will power is just a matter of learning how to control your attention and thoughts, you can really begin to increase it.”

Meanwhile research is currently under way in classrooms in which teachers are teaching students “waiting” skills and the preliminary results are promising. The real challenge will be to see if those newly-learned waiting skills can be turned into life-long habits–especially in this N.O.W. culture in which our kids have learned to expect instant gratification and reward, ASAP.

Ways to Stretch Children’s “Waiting Ability”

The findings of this research are too critical to overlook. Our first step is to start looking for those countless little everyday moments we can use to help our kids learn to put on the brake. There are dozens of opportunities. Any of these sound familiar?

“Wait just a minute, Sweetie. Mom is on the phone.”

“I know you want a cookie, but you’ll have to wait ten minutes.”

“Sorry. We’re going to open presents after we have our dinner.”

“Nope. You get your allowance on Saturday. No loans until then.”

Besides looking for those waiting opportunity moments, you can teach your child skills that will help him push his own inner pause button. Your child may barrel straight into every task right now, but your utlimate goal is gradually to stretch his ability to control those impulses and learn to wait at his level. Start by timing how long your child can pause before those impulses get the best of him. Take that time as his “waiting ability” (even if it’s only two seconds) and then slowy increase it over the next weeks and months.

Remember, research shows that what a child learns to say to himself (or “self-instruction”) during  the moments of temptation is a significant determiner of whether he is able to say no to impulsive  urges and/or wait. Keep in mind that those kids who were able to hold off and not eat the  marshmallows usually had learned a skill to help delay those urges.  Here are six strategies from  The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest  Worries (pages 93-98) that help kids control impulses. Choose the one that works best for your child  and then practice, practice, practice together until that new habit kicks in and he can use when he  feels those impulses taking over.

• Freeze. In a calm voice say this to your child: “Freeze. Don’t move until you can get back in control.”

• Use a phrase. Have him slowly say a phrase like “One Mississippi, two Mississippi.”

• Hold your breath. Tell your kid not to breathe as long as possible and then to take a few long, deep breaths. (Just make sure he remembers to breathe!)

• Count. Join your child in slowly counting from on to twenty (or fewer with a youngre kid).

• Sing. For a young child, ask him to pick his favorite tune, such as “Frere Jacques” or “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and hum a few bars.

• Watch. Have him look at his wristwatch and count set numbers of seconds (such as ten). Expand that number to what is appropriate to the child.

Of course, don’t stop here. There are dozens of ways to teach your child to wait. The key is to find a strategy that works for your child, and then keep rehearsing it until your child can use it without you. Just this week I encountered a mom and her four year old utilizing a great “waiting game” strategy. It was in the woman’s restroom of the Denver Airport with one long line  (not the thing any young child needing to use that the bathroom wants to see). Her mom took one look at the line, rolled her eyes and then calmly turned to her daughter. “Boy, looks like a bit of a wait, so we’ll have to stand in line. Meanwhile why don’t you sign the “Birthday Song” about three times and I bet it’ll then be your turn.” That little girl’s impatience quickly morphed into singing a tune of the song. Half the line of women joined in to accompany the tune and her mother was right. At the end of the third chorus, she was at the front of the line. Smart Mom!

For more parenting solutions follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba, on my website: MicheleBorba or in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Resources used for this blog:

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Shoda, Y., Mischel, W., and Peake, P.K. “Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies From Preschool Delay of Gratification.” Developmental Psychology, Dec, 12, 1999, 26, (6), 978-86.

Lehrer, Jonah, “Don’t: The Secret of Self-Control,” The New Yorker, May 18, 2009.

Depending on which source you read, it’s estimated that the number of stay-at-home dads (SAHD) ranges anywhere from 140,000 (Census Bureau) to 2 million men (CBS News). Other statistics claim that of the nation’s 11.3 million preschoolers whose mothers are employed, 25% are regularly cared for by their father during their mother’s working hours (Census Bureau). These are just a few of the figures cited as indicators that more and more dads are becoming the family’s primary care giver. The trend has, as of late, received increased attention given its direct correlation to the poor economy. Many previously employed fathers, such as myself, suddenly found themselves thrust into an unfamiliar role that a number of other fathers had already been preforming well before Wall Street took a dive. One such dad is Joe Schatz, a stay-at-home vet and author of the book, “Daddy, where’s your vagina?“:What I Learned as a Stay-At-Home Dad. – From the review by Ron Mattocks

Joe Schatz, author of the new book Daddy, where’s your vagina? is set to appear on The Tyra Show. Schatz and his wife will talk about their relationship, his role as a stay-at-home dad a little about his book with a funny title. Schatz’s appearance on the Tyra show interview marks the beginning of his book tour. I met Joe on twitter and was fortunate enough to receive an advance galley of his book. I loved not only his down-to-earth parenting tips  but also his honest appraisal about being a stay-at-home dad.

Schatz, a stay-at-home dad for over nine years,told me he recently published his book in order to fill a void he had found from personal experience. And I loved how writing it came to be: “For my first Father’s Day as a full-time dad,” Joe told me, “my wife bought me a book about Emperor penguins. Apparently, Emperor penguin dads are the animal kingdom’s version of the stay-at-home dad. I was excited that my wife found such a novel book for me, but I quickly realized that I had little in common with my feathered comrades in the parenting department. I pretty much knew the second I saw a bird on the cover of my parenting book that there was void in the marketplace.”

Isn’t that the truth?

Daddy, where’s your vagina? isn’t your typical dad/stay-at-home dad book. While the book does contain humor, it isn’t the worn out I’m-a-dumb-dad-laugh-at-me material. Yes, the book does have lots of practical tips, but it isn’t a manual. Rather the book is about empowering dads who find themselves in the increasingly more common role of a caregiver. The book is a collage of parenting and relationship advice given from first hand experiences and delivered in an entertaining, unassuming fashion. Humbly the book is wonderful. It’s not just a book that pertains to men, but women too and may actually be equally engaging and useful to stay-at-home moms.

Recently, I had an opportunity to ask Schatz a couple questions about the book and about his experiences as a stay-at-home dad. Here is what he said:

“What was it like when you first became a stay-at-home dad over nine years ago?”

“It was tough. I had to find my way through a lot of challenges. Being a caregiver, dealing with isolation, getting over my ego all took time. Being a full-time parent is extremely difficult.”

“Has your wife been supportive during your time at home?”

“My wife has been very supportive. We are best friends, and she has always made sure to ask me how I felt about all our major decisions. We are a team. The one constant in my life has always been my wife and that has made the world of difference.”

“I remember writing books when my kids were little. It wasn’t easy. You wrote a book while being a stay-at-home dad—how did you manage that?”

“It wasn’t easy. I actually started writing the book three years ago and really took on the project in earnest this past spring and summer. I had to work a lot of late nights and during one of our family vacations I spent a few of the beach days working. There was some sacrifice for sure, but looking back it was totally worth it.”

“Why ‘Daddy, where’s your vagina?’”

“It’s actually something my youngest daughter asked me when she was two. I think the title is fitting. It epitomizes the awkwardness that goes along with the position of being a stay-at-home dad, that and it makes people want to pick up the book.”

“What is the most important thing you’ve learned being a stay-at-home dad?”

“I look at women completely differently now. I have always seen men and women as equals, but being a full-time dad to three daughters really made me appreciate a lot of what women deal with. From the stay-at-home moms I have met to my wife at work to my own daughters, I really became aware that there are a lot of inequities still evident in today’s society. I think my time at home and the solid example my wife sets, has helped show our daughters that gender doesn’t limit someone into a specific role. That’s one of the big benefits of being a stay-at-home dad, we break down stereotypes.”

Since the beginning of the economic downturn, nearly 80% of the jobs lost have belonged to men. With this forced cultural shift an empowering book for dads is just what the doctor ordered. Daddy, where’s your vagina? delivers that message of empowerment in a witty, entertaining read. The book is already available through all online retailers like Amazon and Barnes & Noble, so get your copy now to find out what all the buzz is about.

Kudos, Joe! All the best in your book tour – and keep us posted as about your Tyra show appearance. Thanks for writing such a great hands-on, amusing  manual. You’ve packed this with humor, tips and insights covering everything about raising kids-from changing diapers, giving baths, teaching their first words, tying their shoelaces, navigating playgroups-but also teaching your kids about the greatest lesson there is: L.I.F.E!

For more about Joe and this book, log on to www.xlibris.com.

QUESTION: “We have an eleven-year-old son who is extremely shy. Whenever we introduce him to new people, he barely acknowledges their existence and looks so uncomfortable. If  another kid tries to have a simple conversation with him, he becomes almost mute. What can we do to help him feel more confident with people—especially those his own age? ” – Marsha, a mother of three from Baton Rouge

ANSWER: “You go ahead without me.”  “I’m afraid to raise my hand.” “I’d rather be by myself.”  Kids who hang back and are shy are kids handicapped from experiencing life to its fullest. Shy kids curtail their experiences, don’t take the necessary social risks, and as a result don’t gain confidence in social situations. Not being able to join a group and make new friends will haunt them the rest of their lives. Finally, the pain of social rejection will set in. The good news is that we can help kids feel more comfortable in groups by enhancing and practicing the skills of social competence.

Tips to Help Shy Kids Feel More Comfortable in Social Settings

Use the following five tips to help your kid gain confidence in social settings:

1. Encourage eye contact. As you’re talking with your child say, “ Look at me.” or  “Put your eyes on my eyes.” or  “I want to see your eyes.” By consciously reinforcing the skill and modeling it regularly, your child will soon be using eye contact. Tip: If your kid is uncomfortable about using eye contact, tell her to look at the bridge of the speaker’s nose. With a few practices, she usually no longer needs the technique, and will look more confidently into the speaker’s eyes.

2. Teach conversational openers and closers. Make a list with your kid of easy conversation openers he can use with different groups of people such as: what he could say to someone he already knows, an adult he hasn’t met, a friend he hasn’t seen in a while, a brand-new student at a school, or a child he’d like to play with on the playground. Then take turns rehearsing them together, until your child feels comfortable trying them on his own. Hint: Practicing conversation skills on the telephone with a supportive listener on the other end is always less threatening for shyer kids than doing so face-to-face.

3. Rehearse social situations. Prepare your kid for an upcoming social event by describing the setting, expectations, and the attendees. Then help him practice how to meet others, table manners, basic conversational skills, and even how to say good-bye gracefully.

4. Practice skills with younger peers. Philip Zimbardo, renowned shyness expert, recommends pairing older shy kids with younger children for brief play periods. So create opportunities for your kid to play with one other child who is younger: a younger sibling, cousin, neighbor, or one of your friend’s younger kids. For teens, try baby-sitting: it’s a great way for a shy kid to earn money as well as practice social skills–starting a conversation, using eye contact–that she was reticent about trying with kids her age.

5. Arrange One-On-One Play Opportunities. Dr. Fred Frankel, a psychologist and developer of the world famous UCLA Social Skills Training Program, suggests “one-on-one play dates” as the best way for kids to build social confidence. This is a time when your kid invites only one child over for a couple of private play hours to get to know one another and practice friendship-making skills. Provide snacks and then try to keep interruptions to a minimum: siblings should not be included and television viewing should not be a play option.

For more tips on helping shyer children, including solutions  that teach friendship making skills, refer to The Big Book of  Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday  Challenges and Wildest Worries from which this blog is an  excerpt from. You can also follow me at twitter  @micheleborba or find more parenting solutions on my  website at www.micheleborba.com.