Parenting advice based on solid research to help us raise caring, kind-hearted kids in a racy, raunchy world

Something has changed about our children: the prevalence of abuse by their peers is increasing. Bullying is far more intense and starting at younger ages. And I have little patience for anyone stating the old “Kids will be kids” statement.

This week NBC Nightly News reported troubling bullying statistics about our youth:

• One in three American children was bullied during the year on their middle or high school campus
• 900,000 students say they were cyberbullied in the 2007/2008 school year (the latest data)
• 1.9 million children say they were physically abused on spat upon during the school year.

Let’s be clear: it is visually impossible for students to thrive in school when they don’t feel safe. Empathy is the virtue that helps sensitize our children to different points of view, and increases their awareness of other’s ideas and opinions. Empathy also eis the foundation of moral behavior and is the trait that all our children will need to live successfully in our diverse, multicultural, twenty-first century. Nurturing empathy and kindness is too-often overlooked in the bully-proofing formula. The best news is that empathy and caring are traits that can be easily nurtured-that is if we are intentional in our empathy-building endeavors.

Here are 13 tips I offer in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries that boost children’s caring hearts and cultivate kindness.

1. Use the right formula. Research shows that the best formula for raising less selfish and more considerate kids has two equal parts: “Unconditional Love and Firm Limits.” Is your parenting evenly balanced between the two parts? If not, it’s time for a tune up.

2. Model caring. The simplest and most powerful way kids learn kindness and consideration is by seeing it in action. Make sure you are the model you want your child to copy.

3. Expand emotional intelligence. Kids must be able to identify different emotional states in themselves before they can become sensitive to the feelings of others. So ask questions that arose empathy: “How do you feel?” “How does your friend feel?” “Look at your dad’s face. What do you notice?” “Grandma’s voice sounded sort of sad. Did you pick up on that?”

4. Expect kind behaviors. If you want your child to care–expect your child to care. The easiest way to increase caring is by reinforcing caring behaviors!

5. Use teachable moments. The best moments to teach caring are usually not planned—those opportunities just happen. Capitalize on those moments to help your child understand the power of caring.

6. Watch that media diet. Know what your kids are watching and listening to. Protect them from cruel, degrading, desensitizing images that can corrupt their empathic development.

7. Help your child see the other point of view. Asking the right questions can help kids understand the feelings and needs of other people. “Imagine you’re a new student and you don’t know anyone. How will you feel?”

8. Halt the accolades. Always praising and rewarding can make you kid think life revolves around him and increases self-centeredness and entitlement. Praise only when your child earns and deserves the praise. Focus your praise on your child’s “inside qualities” such as his kind nature or her sensitive spirit.

9. Focus on others. If you notice that your child put himself first, recognize that younger children are egocentric. Our job is to gently start help our kids step off to the side and start thinking of others. “No, let Rob have a turn. He’s been waiting just as long as you.” “I know you wanted to use the Wii, but let’s think of your brother, also.”

10. Teach your child to wait. Entitled kids who are lower in the empathy quotient want their way N.O.W. and so they rarely stop to consider whether any one else is being inconvenienced. Stretch your children’s “Waiting Quotient” so they don’t put themselves in front of other people’s needs.

11. Reinforce kind acts. One of the fastest ways to increase selflessness is by “catching” your kid doing considerate and unselfish acts. So look for selfless behaviors in your child and acknowledge them. Using the word, “because” helps make the praise more specific: “That was being kind because you stopped and asked Grandpa if he’d like you to turn up the TV so he can hear it.”

12. Stamp out cruelty. Take an active stand against cruelty. Expect and demand that your children treat all living beings in a caring manner. Doing so is the best way to make the world a kinder, less-self-centered place.

13. Stretch your child’s experiences of different perspectives. The more your child experiences different perspectives (in your community, by visiting nursing homes, homeless shelters, centers for the blind, pediatric wards, soup kitchens, veteran’s hospitals, and political campaign headquarters) the more likely she will be able to empathize with others whose needs and views differ from hers. Look for those opportunities to help your recognize other cultures and different points of views.

Remember: children don’t learn how to be caring from reading about it in a textbook, but from doing caring deeds. So always encourage your child to lend a hand to make the world a better place. And please, start now!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert