Bullying is a learned behavior that is on the rise. What’s more it is far more intense, occurs more frequently and at younger ages. U.S. National School Safety Center warns that bullying has become the “most enduring and underrated problem in American schools. One recent study prepared for the American Psychological Association showed that 80 percent of middle school students admitted to bullying behavior in the prior 30 days. Another survey found that 40 percent of nine to thirteen years old admitted to bullying. Bullying has become so serious that school-age victims beatings died from the savage beatings or committed suicide.

Today’s bully is far from the stereo typed image of “bad kid down the block.” A bully may be male or female, a preschooler or teen; rich or poor; urban or rural. One study of 452 boys in fourth through sixth grade from a variety of backgrounds found they are often self-assured kids who are surprisingly intelligent, sociable and frequently rated “most popular” by classmates (or just as likely to be disruptive and hyperactive).

No matter the age, gender, religion, or ethnicity, any child resorting to bullying needs an immediate behavior intervention. Do not make the mistake of thinking this is just “a phase” or a boys rite of passage. One study found that nearly 60 percent of males who were identified as chronic bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24. The consequences of letting this go unheeded are disastrous to your child’s character and conscience. The good news is because bullying is a learned behavior it can also be unlearned. But there are certain steps that must be taken to change this behavior.

What Doesn’t Work To Change Bullying

Make no mistake, bullying can be reduced in our schools, parks, playgrounds, homes and communities. Over the last years I’ve worked in hundreds of schools and have seen significant change in those cultures. Many of those schools have won top honors from their districts, counties, states and provinces because they were so successful in changing their school culture. I’ve tracked bullying behaviors prior to the implemented efforts and following a committed staff’s efforts. This can be done!

My concern is that I see many folks offering “bullying prevention” advice that is not only not sound but also not based on evidence. So here are a few things we know will NOT work in changing bullying behavior:

• A one-time bully-proofing assembly
• A “stamp-out bullying” week or evening or even month
• Putting up posters on school walls
• Setting a “zero tolerance” for bullying (more on that one later but hundreds of studies validate that one)
• Arranging a one-time bully proofing speaker or “expert” to come in and talk to students, staff or teachers

Beware: One-shot approaches never work at changing bullying. In fact, they set the staff up for failure (“That didn’t work. We can’t change bullying.”) The approach must be evidence-based, systemic, ongoing, and involve all stakeholders.

So let’s look at what DOES work at changing a culture. Let’s look at what schools, communities, coaches, scout leaders, the media, doctors, counselors, educators and parents  can do to change a culture and eradicate this troubling, cruel behavior among our kids.

I’ve spent the last twenty years studying bullying, empathy, and violence prevention. I wrote the proposal, Ending School Violence, that became SB1667 and passed into law. I’ve also worked with law enforcement, youth offenders, state counselor associations and foster care parents. I’ve trained student teams to become bystanders. I’ve helped counselors design strategies to change bullying behaviors and help victims. And I’ve learned that not every strategy works. Reducing bullying is not a program or a worksheet but a process. We need to get serious about bullying and we need to use only evidence-based approaches to reduce it. And we need to not wait one more second. Our kids are hurting. They are learning cruelty. And any school that allows bullying is creating an environment where our children do not feel safe and cannot learn.

I’ll post a series of blogs based on what I’ve done with only the schools who have been successful in reducing bullying. I’ll share some of the best research out there. I’ll give you updates on media reports I’ve done on the TODAY show, CNN or FOX News. Your challenge: pass these blogs on to other caring kid advocates. Keep in mind that bullying is a RELATIONSHIP problem. You cannot just target the bully. There really is a triangle of victims involved: the bully, the bullied, and the bystanders. I’ll address all of these players in future blogs. For now let’s take on Step One. Here we go.

The First Step to Changing Bullying: Know What Bullying IS and IS NOT

Bullying is often misinterpreted by parents, educators and students. It is NOT the same as teasing (all kids will be teased). And adults and students alike must understand what bullying is so they can turn it around.  Bullying is cold-blooded, intentional cruelty and always contains these four elements (based on the work of Dan Olweus, one of the best researchers in the world on bullying):

1.     It is an aggressive act that is usually repeated

2.     The bully has more power (strength, status, size) than the victim who cannot hold his own

3.     The hurtful behavior is not an accident, but intentional. The bully usually seems to enjoy seeing the victim in distress

4.     The bully rarely accepts responsibility and often says the victim “deserved” the hurtful treatment.

Understand The Five  Types of Bullying

While bullying used to be a problem only on playgrounds, there are not different kinds of bullying that are more typical at different ages and stages. Bullying can be:

•  Physical (kicking, fighting, punching, pinching, slapping, slamming, etc).

•  Verbal (name-calling, racial slurs)

•  Emotional (exclusion, gossip, slander, relational)

•  Sexual

• Electronic (cyberbullying via text, cell phones, emails, IM, Facebook, twitter, websites)

Convey the Definition of Bullying to All Stakeholders

Your first step to stopping bullying is to recognize what bullying is and is not. A school staff might begin by inviting a recognized expert on bullying to inservice them. A community or group of parents might start up a book club to read about it. Once the adults (educators, pediatricians, counselors, parents, coaches, etc). understand what bullying is they then inservice the students. A first critical key to stopping bullying is to clearly understand what this behavior looks and sounds like. All stakeholder must be on the “same page” in their understanding so they can use the same definition to each and every member of their culture. Here are a few ideas other schools I’ve worked with have used to convey the definition of bullying to ALL stakeholders. Remember, there is no right or wrong approach just as long as you convey the actual definition anad EVERYONE hears the same message:

• Inservice everyone so staff, students, parents are clear on definition and can recognize: A recognized expert or authority on bullying is invited to the school division. This is the speech I’m most often asked to do. North Penn School Division invited every parent in their community to this event. Over 1500 parents were in attendance. Hershey School District invited all staff (including bus drivers, cafeteria workers, secretaries, custodians) and teachers to an all-day event. I then addressed all the parents in the evening. A rural school district outside Calgary invited every member of their community to an evening session. The mayor, police, fire department, business, doctors, media, coaches as well as parents were there for the evening session. I worked all day with the teachers and students. That entire community heard the same message.

• Staff-created powerpoint presentation floats from class to class; teacher uses to teach “bully” principles. This idea came from Northern Lights School Division. The staff wanted to make sure every student and every teacher used the exact same definition of bullying so two teachers created a short powerpoint presentation on bullying. Each teacher then used the same powerpoint presentation in their classrooms.

• Home Room Team Sharing: The junior high students in Clover Bar Junior High School in Elk Island, Alberta  asked their principal if they could please mobilize their student body to stop bullying behavior. Bless the principal because he agreed. Small teams of student visited each individual home room. This took over one month but these kids kept on. In each room they explained the  bullying problem, gave the definition of the bullying, and left a poster in each home room classroom describing bullying behaviors. They also asked students for their support to stop the problem and join a student-lead bullying buster group. Those kids changed the school culture.

• Bookmarks – made by students and given out to all other students specifying what bullying is and is not. This idea came from Bonnyville, Alberta. The  high school students designed bookmarks on their printers and then distributed them to all the students. One side defined bullying. One side listed bullying behaviors.

• Student made posters. Each school I’ve worked in has usually put up posters about bullying. The best posters are kid-made and define what bullying looks like, sounds like, feels like as well as the definition. At high school levels the health or psychology classes creates them. At elementary each class creates them. The key is to make sure all those posters have the same definitions of bullying. Walls, halls and classrooms are then flooded with those posters.

Of course those posters do NOT stop bullying, but they are a critical first step to changing a school culture. Remember, you can’t stop bullying unless all stakeholders are aware that bullying is a problem and recognize what the behavior looks and sounds like. Only then will all staff members be able to stop the behavior. Only then can you teach bystanders when they should step in. Only then will parents be able to help their children develop the right plan.

I’ll continue to share ideas in this blog, Michele Borba on bullying behaviors and ways to reduce it or follow me on twitter @micheleborba. Portions of this blog were from my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. The chapters on Bullying and Bullied are critical to review. My goal in writing this book was to help parents recognize the early stages of bullying and stop it or know what to do to turn this troubling behavior around if it has become a habit. The most up-to-date strategies and research are provided, along with signs, responses, and resources.

Bullying is escalating. Bullying is also starting up at younger ages. And bullying should NEVER be tolerated. This is cold-blooded intentional cruelty. This can be prevented. This can be reduced. But let’s go about doing this based on what evidence says will make a difference. Next blog, Step Two: Gathering the evidence.

Resources used from this blog:

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Bullying among 11-12 year olds: Based on a Kaiser Foundation 2001 study done in conjuction with Nickelodeon TV network and Children Now; cited by B. Coloroso in The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander, NY: HarperCollins, 2002, p. 12.

US National School Safety Center quote: cited by K. Zarzour, Facing the Schoolyard Bully, Buffalo, NY: 2000, p. 10.

80 percent of middle school student admit bullying in prior 30 days, study prepared for the American Psychological Association: cited by J. Turley, “Bullying’s Day in Court,” USA Today, July 15, 2008, 7D.

KidsHealth survey 40 percent admit to bullying: J. Turley, “Bullying’s Day in Court,” USA Today, July 15, 2008, 7D.

P.C. Rodkin, T.W. Farmer, R. Pearl, and R.Van Acker, “Heterogeneity of Popular Boys: Antisocial and Prosocial Configurations,” Developmental Psychology, Vol. 36,  No. 1.