Note to readers: This is the third in a series of blogs I’m writing about relational aggression-or the new mean girl scene-and what educators and parents can do to curb this troubling trend. In past blogs we’ve discussed the forms of relational aggression, how boys bully vs girls, and the impact of being targeted. In this blog I’ll discuss warning signs that your daughter may be the victim of relational aggression. As close as you are to your child, you may overlook those warnings and she may not reveal her inner torment. That’s why you must stay educated. Here are past blogs: 

• Part I: Mean Girl Scene Gets Meaner: What Parents and Educators MUST Know 

• Part II: The Mean Girl Scene: How Girls Bully and the Short and Long Term Impact of Relational Aggression

Could Your Daughter May Be a Victim of Relational Aggression?

The Mean Girl Scene is alive and flourishing. Studies show relational aggression amongst the sugar and spice set is starting in much younger. But also keep in mind that the signs of relational aggression are often more difficult to spot than traditional bullying. One reason is because there are usually no physical scrapes, bruises or torn clothing, or lost items that are typical with physical or sexual-type bullying. And then there’s another reason: your daughter may not tell you that she is a victim of the mean girl set.

Studies reveal that the older the girl, the less likely she will divulge her troubling experience with the social scene to an adult. Silent suffering is often much easier than admitting to peer humiliation. Many girls tell me that they did “tell” a parent, teacher or other caregiver and even pointedly asked for help, but they were only to have their “tale” dismissed as trivial, an exaggeration or plain untrue.

“Why bother,” many a girl told me. “No one listened.”

“It’s just easier to stay quiet,” others said.

“It would be far worse if the girls found out I snitched on them. My life would be a living hell.”

As a result many girls never receive the emotional help they so desperately need. That’s why it’s critical that parents and educators learn to recognize possible signs of relational aggression.

Don’t wait for your daughter to come to you. She may not. Instead, look for certain signs of RA in your daughter or in her friends. Be also aware that the RA trend is happening at younger ages so don’t be misled that this is only a “tween” or “teen” problem.

10 Warning Signs of Relational Aggression to Watch For

Here are a few behaviors that could be signs of RL. Do know that there are other signs, but these are among the most common to be on the watch for:

• She talks about being “picked on,” shunned, or excluded often. Every girl will be picked on or excluded, but if you hear this complaint more than a few times, take your daughter seriously. Listen and watch. Is there a repeated pattern? Bullying is a usually a repeated behavior that always has a negative intent. Once a girl becomes a target she usually is repeatedly targeted by that girl or group.

• She displays a pattern of wishy-washy, on-and-off again “friendships.” She seems to be friends with one girl one week and then “hates” her the next week. Or she’s “best friends” with one girl one day and then quickly becomes best friends with another girl another day.   

• She speaks negatively about certain girls or a certain group of girls or clique.  This could be the same group of girls that she once considered to be good friends. Tune in a bit closer. It could be a sign that relational aggression is happening in your child’s class or group.

• She has a sudden marked and uncharacteristic change in mood in which she seems sadder or even depressed or more irritable or angry and those changes seems to come on when she comes home from school, during the weekends (when she may be “uninvited”) or after a phone call, email or text-message.

• She suddenly appears lonely or withdraws from things she once seemed to enjoy.

• She doesn’t speak of any friends. No one calls, texts, emails or invites her over (not for one day or one weekend but as a general pattern).

• She suddenly avoids certain social situations. She doesn’t want to go to school or take part in the scouting, church group, soccer club, 4-H or other group activities she once enjoyed.

• She seems jittery, concerned or even afraid when an email, text, message, or phone call comes for her. She may quickly cover up the computer screen or refuse to answer a text or personal call. It may mean she is the victim of cyberbullying or fears that vicious electronic gossip or photos are being circulated about her.

• She has a sudden change in her eating or sleep habits. She suddenly complains of stomach or headaches or the inability to focus or concentrate. She can’t sleep or sleeps much longer. Her grades take a dip.

• She starts to speak about girls in a mean way. She adopts the “mean girl” attitude in which she excludes or shuns or gossips viciously. Is she becoming a Mean Girl to protect her standing or reputation, find relationships and a source of connection, or could she be the Queen Bee? Girls who are repeatedly targeted can switch when they have their “enough moment” and realize their only hope of social survival (that they know) is to “become one of them.”

Of course, there could be a number of other reasons for such behaviors, but any one should be a parent red flag that something is wrong and warrant a closer look. Don’t overlook that relational aggression could be a possible cause. 

Stay tuned to the next blogs addressing what motivates a girl to be so mean and how to know if your child is the target of relational aggression.

To read more about these trends, specific advice, warning signs, and habits to teach your daughter to counter the problems please refer to my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries; Cell Phone (p 598); Cyberbullying (p 602); Internet Safety (p 610); Bullied (p 323); Cliques (p 342); Rejected (p 373).

Michele Borba is an educational psychologist, TODAY parenting contributor, an author of 20 books. Her latest (that this blog is adapted from) is The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. You can follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba