By Michele Borba

Let’s face it. It’s a tougher time to be growing up, and the data confirms it. Bullying is fiercer. Peer pressure is tougher. Kids are more aggressive. Girls are meaner. And those tougher temptations likes drinking, sex, and drugs are hitting our kids at younger ages as well as those sticky-tricky situations like copying homework or letting a peer cheat on a test.

 Of course we can’t always be there to stick up or speak up for our kids. Nor should we. After all, the more our children see us as their rescuers, the more they learn to rely on us to solve their problems. The real parenting solution to helping our kids handle those tougher life issues in that sometimes-vicious social jungle is helping them learn how to be more assertive so they can speak up and defend themselves.  And the sooner we do so the better.

 Here are seven ways to help your child learn to be respectfully assertive from my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

• Model assertiveness. Be the model you want your child to copy. Don’t be meek. Stand up for your views even if they may not be unpopular. Let your kids know that even though you might feel uncomfortable, you always feel it’s best to stand up for your rights or the rights of others. Don’t expect your child to be assertive if you’re not a model of assertiveness.

• Be a democratic household. Hold kitchen table debates. Use family meetings. Listen to each child (and that doesn’t mean you have to agree their views). When kids know their opinions count, they are more likely to talk out and feel comfortable speaking up for themselves. The best place for your child to learn to find his voice is in your home.

• Acknowledge assertiveness. Let your child know you value people who speak their mind. Reinforce your child’s assertiveness. “I like how you spoke up!” Reinforce those behaviors in your child and let her know you honor her opinions. Then step back and let your child find her voice and speak up for herself –without your rescue

• Find less domineering friends. If your child is a bit more timid and always hangs around a bossy playmate, provide him the opportunity to find a less domineering pal so he will be more likely to speak up and gain confidence. (Also watch out for over-powering siblings as well).

•  Provide early leadership opportunities. Research from Girl Scouts of America says kids say their confidence in speaking up and leading others dwindles by the fifth grade. Kids also tell us they gain that confidence is by entering into activities, clubs, teambuilding, etc. and the earlier the better. So provide opportunities for your child to be a member of a team, take charge of a project or lead others. You might also enroll your child in public speaking or theatre to build confidence in speaking in front of others.

• Teach your child C.A.L.M. Assertion. There are four steps that help kids stand up and speak up for themselves or others. Here are the four steps to C.A.L.M. 

• C – Stay cool. Assertive kids are cool. If you get upset, ticked off, cry, pout you don’t appear as  confident and a bully says “yes” 

• A – Assert yourself. Teach your child a few comeback lines say in different situations where he may need to assertive himself: “Cut it out.” “Stop it.” “That’s not right.” “You’re hurting her feelings.” “Because I don’t want to!”

• L – Look the person in the eye.  Kids have to “look” confident before they can be taken seriously. And the best way to appear more confident is by using eye contact. Just by looking the person in the eye you will appear more confident.

• M – Mean it. Teach your child the difference between how a wimpy and a strong voice sound. Then encourage your child to assert himself using a strong and firm –but not yelling tone–to get  his point across. 

Role-play assertive posture, assertive phrases and a firm-sounding tone over and over until your child has the confidence to hold his own without you. And when he does, congratulations! You will have taught your child one of the most critical skills that he will need to use in every arena of his life not only now but forever.

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Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 22 books including the upcoming this Fall, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions and now available for purchase online. Portions of this blog are excerpted from this book.