Always moody.

Easily agitated.

Sleeps in.

Says, “Nobody cares.”

Sounds like a typical teen, right?  Well not always.

Did you know that depression now strikes one out of 20 teens?  What’s more, the rates of childhood depression are not only increasing but are also impacting younger kids. A kid today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century. This week the tragic news of the suicides of about Marie Osmond’s 18 year old son as well as Growing Pains Andrew Koenig, are stirring reminders as to the seriousness of depression. Both should be sad wake up calls.

How serious is child and adolescent depression?

Depression now impacts nearly two million tweens and teens and those troubling stats are exactly why  an influential government-appointed medical panel is urging doctors to routinely screen all American teens for depression. The task force’s recommendations appear in the prestigious journal, Pediatrics.

Clinical depression is not a phase or a normal stage of development, nor something kids can shrug off. It is a serious and sometimes life-threatening disease, and the long-term consequences are just too severe to ignore.

• Depressed youngsters are almost four times more likely to have drug or alcohol problems by their mid-20s.
• Nearly one in ten kids who develop major depression prior to their puberty commit suicide.
• Suicide rates for kids and teens have tripled in three decades.

The best news is when diagnosed early and properly treated, kids almost always can be helped and feel better. Evidence also shows detailed but simple questionnaires can accurately diagnose depression. Those questionnaires are available in a primary-care setting such as a pediatrician’s office.

The bottom line here is that every kid feels sad and moody from time to time, but this kind of behavior should have a time limit. If you even have an ounce of concern, pick up the phone and get an appointment for your child. Here are signs to look for in your child.

Possible signs of depression that should not be overlooked

1.     An increase in physical ailments. Headaches, stomachaches, nausea, sweaty palms, sleeplessness or always sleeping that don’t lessen with over-the-counter medication and rest.

2.     A  marked, sudden, or intense change. Something is radically different about your child’s personality, temperament, or normal behavior that just is not right.

3.     It doesn’t go away. This lasts longer than two weeks, becomes more intense, or just comes and goes, and nothing is easing your child’s pain.

4.     Your child is preoccupied with death or feelings of hopelessness. He is drawing, writing or asking about death, giving away personal belongings, or saying “What’s the use?”

5.     The sadness interferes with her daily life. Her social, academic or family life are affected.

6.     Folks who know your child well share their concerns. Don’t dismiss their remarks.

7.     Your child tells you something is wrong and wants help. Trust him.

8.     Your instinct says something is not right. Trust your instinct. Chances are you’re right.

Where to get help for your child

If the problem seems to accelerate out of control and your child is saying scary things, or  you have any thought that your child is suicidal, DO NOT WAIT. Call the USA National Suicide hotline: 800-784, 2433 or 800 273-8255 and take him to the nearest emergency room or to your doctor’s office immediately. Please. NOW!

I post this blog two or three times a year. And two or three times a year I always have parents contact me to say, “If only…” They knew something was wrong with their child but waited. Please don’t wait. Please act on your instinct. Get help.

This blog is an excerpt from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries by Michele Borba (Jossey-Bass, Aug. 2009). In particular refer to the following chapters for late-breaking research, solutions, and signs: Angry, Perfectionist, Stressed, Worried About the World, Depressed, Eating Disorders.

Resources used in this blog:

Many historians feel that one of Winston Churchill’s greatest speeches was given at a graduation ceremony at Oxford University. He had worked on the speech for hours. When the moment finally came, Churchill stood up to the cheering crowd, and in a strong, clear voice shouted just three words, “Never give up!” He paused a few seconds and shouted the words again, “Never give up!” He then reached for his hat and slowly walked off the podium, satisfied that he had told the graduates the messages they needed to succeed.

We need to pass on Churchill’s message to our youth. After all, if our children are to succeed in this competitive world, they must learn to hang in there-especially in challenging times-bounce back if they don’t succeed and try again. Unfortunately, many kids have never learned this valuable lesson, but family life offers countless opportunities to teach it to them. The following secrets from my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (Jossey Bass) show ways parents can help children rebound from mistakes.

1. Be an example of bouncing back. The first step is the most important: model to your children how you bounce back. My girlscout leader years ago, Mrs. Flora Cox, was an expert. Before she started a task she wasn’t sure she could do (such as lighting a fire with sticks or setting up a tent) she’d always say, “I’m not stopping until I succeed.” And she made sure we overheard her. We soon found ourselves copying her words. I now realize she intentionally made a few mistakes, but did so to show us she wouldn’t give up. Her example was lasting. So take a pledge to show your children how you won’t give up at the first signs of difficulty.

2. Set realistic expectations. A critical part of bouncing back is making sure your expectations are ones each child is capable of achieving. These questions help you assess if your expectations are realistic:

• Is it reasonable or am I expecting too much?
• Does he have the skills and knowledge to achieve my expectation?
• Is it what she wants or I want for myself?
• Am I conveying that I believe he’s capable?

Look for ways to stretch your children’s confidence and abilities, but never to a point where it snaps their spirit. It’s a fine line, so make sure you’re on the right path.

3. Start a “bounce back!” motto. Develop a family motto to remind your children not to let mistakes get them down. A mother told me she spent one Saturday morning brainstorming mottoes with her family such as “Mistakes Don’t Get Us Down!” “The Family that Doesn’t Quit,” and “We Don’t Give Up!” The girls then selected one and created a poster to remind them. Each child then cross-stitched the motto onto a cloth square, sewed it into a pillow, and put it on their bed to remember.

4. Create a “Stick to It” award. Ask your children to find a thick stick on a hike at least the length of a ruler. Print “Stick to It Award” across the stick with a black marking pen. Explain that it means “hanging in there and not giving up until you finish what you started.” Then tell your family to be on alert the next few weeks for other family members showing special “stick-to-itness” and report them to you. Each evening announce the names, and print their initials on the stick. Make sure to tell the recipients what they did to deserve the award. You might even set a contest to see how long it takes to fill the stick with your children’s initials.

5. Help children see mistakes as opportunities. I watched a teacher give a piece of rug yarn to each student on the first school day. She said, “This year you’ll be making lots of mistakes. That’s how you learn.” She explained that she wouldn’t be watching their mistakes, but instead to see if they learned from them. Each time they made a mistake-then bounced back-they were to tie a knot in the yarn. After each knot she’d ask them to explain what they learned from their mistake. Her technique helped her class recognize that mistakes can be a chance to start again, and it’s an essential part of learning to rebound. You might try the idea with your family.

6. Respond to errors noncritically. Many children cut short their opportunities to succeed because they give up when they make mistakes. So the next time your child errs, here are few ways to respond:

• Stay nonjudgmental and help him focus on what she’s trying to achieve. Calmly ask, “How did you want this to turn out?”

• Fight the temptation to say, “I told you so.” Instead try, “That’s interesting” or “That wasn’t what you had in mind, was it?”

• Don’t shame or ridicule. Nobody likes to make mistakes, and everybody hates to be reminded of making them.

• Help him learn from the mistake. A big part of bouncing back is learning from the error. Ask, “What did you learn?” or “What will you do differently next time?”

• Teach an affirmation to bounce back. Select a phrase such as: “It doesn’t have to be perfect,” “It’s OK to make mistakes,” or “Everybody makes mistakes,” then help her practice saying it to encourage herself to bounce back.

7. Offer support only when needed. No parent wants their children to suffer disappointments, and often our first instinct is to try to remedy their mistakes for them. Doing so deprives them of chances to find solutions and rebound from defeat. So offer help only when really needed, and convey confidence in their abilities to succeed. You might say, “I know you can do it. Hang in there.” Of course, when your son or daughter finds the task too difficult and quits, support them. Then help them recognize what they could do the next time so they do succeed.

The difference between successful and unsuccessful people often lies in how they view their mistakes. By using everyday moments you can help your children not only learn to rebound from mistakes, but also strengthen their self-confidence. And those are two critical lessons they’ll use the rest of their lives.

For more ideas refer to the following chapters in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: Perfectionist, Pessimistic, Stressed, Test Anxiety, Gives Up. You can follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

I’m sure you’ve read those dismal reports about job insecurities: the U.S. unemployment rate is now at the highest level since 1993. We are stressed and worried and rightly so, but so too are our kids.

I’ve received a number of email queries lately from parents asking for guidance. And did a segment on the TODAY show, “Daddy, why did you lose your job?” Let’s face it, these tough financial times are forcing many parents to answer very tough questions from their children. Here are just a few:

Why did you lose your job?

Will we be able to eat out?

What will I tell my friends?

Will we still be able stay in our house?

How can I go to college if you don’t have a job?

Parents tell me they are trying to avoid answering those heart-wrenching kid questions. They just can’t face telling their kids they lost their job, may have to give up their house or tell their teen they can’t go to college.

But keeping kids in the dark about something so serious as a job layoff is a huge mistake. First, children come equipped with built-in radar and notice those hushed conversations and pick up on your tension. They may even feel they somehow caused your stress. And hearing such an immensely personal family problem from anyone other than you is plain unfair and could well break down the trust between you and your child.

Believe me, your children are far better off hearing this news straight from your mouth. Regardless of how difficult this is, the truth must be told. So where do you begin such a tough topic as a job layoff or financial crisis to a child? Here are a few guidelines to get you started.

• Prepare what you want to say. Doing so will help you feel more comfortable and seem less tense. And those are how you need to appear to your kids.

• Be on the same page with your spouse. Your kids deserve to hear the same message from the two of you. Put those disagreements aside and put your kids front and center.

• Find least distracting time when all family members are present. Set aside enough time that allows your kids to ask as many questions as they need to ask.

• Keep the explanation simple and age appropriate. Young children are literal so watch your terminology. “I lost my job,” may make a kid wonder: “So why don’t you find it?” “I was fired” might mean someone is trying to shoot you. “I was let go” could be construed as why your friends didn’t grab onto you tighter. Terms such as layoffs, recession, foreclosure, and downsizing confuse a teen. You might start with a question: “What have you heard?” or a simple explanation: “I don’t have a job anymore so for a while we won’t have as much money to pay for things.”

• Describe potential impact on your family. Most kids’ prime concern is how this personally affects them. So be honest and clear about any foreseeable changes. For instance: Dining out less. Not going to movies. More bag lunches. Less allowance.

• Take questions seriously. Answer each as best you can. You can always say you will get back to them with the answer. Take as much time as needed to talk about the situation.

• Be prepared for any response. Some kids will shut down. Others might be angry or cry. This is not the time to discipline or try talking them out of their feelings. Acknowledge their pain, confusion, anger or hurt. Then tailor your response to their response.

• Explain your plan for new employment. Kids don’t need a lengthy discussion so just briefly explain that you’re seeking a new job and it may take awhile. Knowing that you have a “plan” (even if you have no idea what to do) helps kids feel secure.

• Involve your kids so they feel they are part of the solution. Asking them for cost-cutting ideas to help your family reduce costs. For instance, mention that turning off the lights will conserve energy. Then ask them for other suggestions.

• Keep the discussion going. A one-time talk won’t be enough for your children to absorb what is happening. So let them know that you are available any time to discuss this or answer their questions anytime.

• Try to appear optimistic even in the worst-case scenario. Your children will be watching your behavior closely and take their lead from your attitude. Your aim is to give your kids the impression that you’re confident everything will turn out for the best. (And that’s even if you’re a nervous wreck inside).

In difficult times it’s often not what we say but how we say it that matters more. Children are usually far more resilient than we give them credit for. What they need most in any tough time is reassurance and security. I was in Michigan recently speaking with a group of parents who had all faced recent lay-offs and all had had to have that tough “I just lost my job” talk with their child. I asked my mom how her daughter took the news and the mother said something very telling.

“I spent hours preparing what I’d say to my child,” the mom said. “I took the phone off the hook. Arranged for my sister to watch the baby so we wouldn’t be interrupted. I even checked out a library book called, “Tough Times” to read together. But I blew the key point.”

“What was that?” I asked.

“I didn’t think things through from my daughter’s point of view,” the mother said.  In all my preparing I didn’t stop to consider what she’d be concerned about. At the end of my talk ,the only question she asked me: ‘Will I still get to sleep in my own bed?’ It killed me. I spent the next hour just holding and rocking her and telling her we’d be okay.”

Remember, the point that matters most in your talk: “No matter what, you’ll be safe. We’re going to make it through this together.”

Don’t forget to take care of yourself especially during these times so you can take care of your kids.

For more parenting solutions refer to my website, Michele Borba, follow me on twitter @micheleborba or turn to the following chapters in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions with more specific solutions which may apply to your situation including: Angry, Depressed,  Money, Communicating, Teased, Dependent, Fearful, Bullied, Peer Pressure, Stressed, Worried About the World, or Separation Anxiety.