Studies show that active bystanders can do far more than just watch. In fact, student bystanders may be our last, best hope in reducing bullying. Active bystanders can:

• Reduce the audience that a bully craves
• Mobilize the compassion of witnesses to step in and stop the bullying
• Support the victim and reduce the trauma
• Be a positive influence in curbing a bullying episode
• Encourage other students to support a school climate of caring and stop the cruelty!

Here are some of my favorite books I use with students when I teach bystander skills. The first step to helping kids step in and speak out against cruelty is mobilizing their hearts and providing the right examples. I hope these help. You can then go to my blog, Mobilizing Bystanders to Stand Up to Bullies. Watch my Dateline special on that blog, and then review the bystander skills with your children and students. Research shows that when bystanders intervene correctly, studies find they can cut bullying more than half the time and within 10 seconds. [Pepler]

Hooway for Wodney Wat

by Helen Lester, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Poor Rodney Rat can’t pronounce his R’s and the other rodents tease him mercilessly. But when Camilla Capybara joins Rodney’s class and announces that she is bigger, meaner, and smarter than any of the other rodents, everyone is afraid. That is until our unwitting hero, Wodney Wat, catches Camilla out in a game of Simon Says. Wodney surprises himself and his classmates by single-handedly saving the whole class from the big bad bully. Children will delight as shy Rodney Rat triumphs over all and his tiny voice decides the day, R’s or no R’s. Glorious!

Nobody Knew What to Do

by Becky Ray McCain

This story tells how one child found the courage to tell a teacher about Ray, who was being picked on and bullied by other kids in school. When bullies pick on a boy at school, a classmate is afraid, but decides that he must do something.

The Juice Box Bully: Empowering Kids to Stand up for Others

by Bob Sorson and Maria Disamondy, Nelson Publishing & Marketing

Here is how one child found the courage to tell a teacher about Ray, who was being picked on and bullied by other kids in school. When bullies pick on a boy at school, a classmate is afraid, but then decides that he must do something.

Say Something

by Peggy Moss, Tilbury House Publishers

The main character of this story is a young girl who watches sadly as some of her classmates mock and harass fellow students. Then one day when her friends are out, she ends up sitting alone in the cafeteria and becomes herself a target for the bullies. Once home she complains to her big brother, “I was mad at the kids at the table next to mine.” He shrugs and says “Why? They didn’t do anything.” That is her moment of truth. She realizes that not participating in the teasing is not enough—she has to do something actively to prevent it. The next day she makes friends with one of the bullies’ victims, a girl who always sits alone on the bus, and has her revelation.

The Bully Blockers Club

by Teresa Bateman, Albert Whitman & Company

Lotty Raccoon is excited: she has a new teacher, new backpack, and new shoes. But her enthusiasm quickly wanes when Grant Grizzly begins bullying her. Advice from her brother, sister and parents don’t work. After talking to her family again, Lotty comes up with an idea. She notices other kids are being bullied by Grant, too. She gathers her friends together and they form The Bully Blockers Club. Now when Grant tries to bully someone, the other kids speak up which gets an adult’s attention, and Grant stops bullying!

Fat, Fat Rose Marie

by Lisa Passen, Henry Holt Publishers

It’s never easy to be the new kid in class, but the ordeal is especially trying for children who look markedly different from their peers. Rose Marie, the newest student at Central Avenue Elementary, is overweight and is relentlessly taunted by the particularly cruel (and very thin) Genevieve. But Rose Marie finds comfort in her budding friendship with Claire, a meek girl who also endures teasing because of her red hair and freckles. Finally, kind-hearted Claire can stand it no more–”You’re not a nice person, Genevieve!” she shouts. After that, Genevieve is the one on the outs, and Rose Marie has no more trouble making friends.

The Bully Blockers Club: Standing Up for Classmates with Autism

By Celeste Shally  Awaken Specialty Press

Research shows that children with autism are more likely to be bullied than their peers. They make easy targets because they are socially awkward and often times unaware they are being bullied. For the child with autism, there are severe emotional, and sometimes physical, consequences to being repeatedly bullied. Here is the story of a boy who witnesses a classmate with autism being bullied and how he decides to get involved. This book shows that one child can make a difference when he has the courage to stand up for his classmate with autism.

The Yellow Star: The Legend of King Christian X of Denmark

by Carmen Agra Deedy and Henri Sorensen

For centuries, the Star of David was a symbol of Jewish pride. But during World War II, Nazis used the star to segregate and terrorize the Jewish people. Except in Denmark. When Nazi soldiers occupied his country, King Christian X of Denmark committed himself to keeping all Danes safe from harm by wearing that same yellow star. The bravery of the Danes and their king during that dangerous time has inspired many legends. The most enduring is the legend of the yellow star, which symbolizes the loyalty and fearless spirit of the king and his people. The result is a powerful and dignified story of heroic justice, a story for all people and all times and the power of an upstander!

Teammates

by Peter Golenbock

This is the moving story of how Jackie Robinson became the first black player on a major league baseball team. Listening to the hatred that spilled out of the stands for his teammate, Pee Wee Reese left his position at shortstop, walked over to Robinson at first base, put his around Robinson’s shoulder, chatted for a few moments, and then returned to his position. The crowd was stunned into silence. It’s a glorious moment to discuss with kids – the power of an upstander to change bullying with a silent gesture- a mere arm on your friend’s shoulder. That fateful day in Cincinnati, PeeWee Reese took a stand and declared Jackie his teammate-and kids can now rewind the clock and recognize that moment as well. (And I cheer every time I read this one to kids. LOVE IT!)

Bystander Books and Stepping In For Older Students

Super Tool Lula: The Bully-fighting Super Hero!

by Michele Yulo

Lula is a precocious ten-year-old who has her own tool belt and helps her dad with carpentry projects. She loves science, playing the drums, riding her skateboard, and hanging out with her friends in the Good Builders Club. As Super Tool Lula, she uses her super hero gifts and magical tools to protect and come to the aid of kids who are mistreated or bullied. She wants all kids to know that being kind is cool. There is also an afterword about bullying and advice from educational consultant Lori Day.

Bystander

by James Preller, Macmillan

Eric is the new kid in the seventh grade.  Griffin wants to be his friend. He seems cool, confident, and popular. Over the next few weeks Eric learns that Griffin is the sort of kid who you don’t want for an enemy.  He’s also one of those kids who adults think is a “nice kid” but really uses his magnetic personality to control the kids around him.  Eric realizes his buddy is really is a bully as well as a liar and thief ,but doesn’t do much about it. Though not the target, he fears stepping in will only make him the bully’s (Griffin’s) next target.  Eric wants to break away and do the right thing, but his brain tells him that he will be the next victim if he does anything. And then in one shocking moment, Eric goes from being a bystander to….(not telling but it makes for a great, unpredictable discussion with kids on that ending!)

The Forgotten Hero of My Lai: The Hugh Thompson Story

by Trent Angers Acadian House Publishing

I adore this story and am so moved by Hugh Thompson-upstander exemplar. His story is one that needs to be discussed in high schools across the country. I’ve spent weeks researching his background to find out what moved this man’s conscience and motivated his actions. Thompson swore it was how he was raised. (More on that later). This review is by Terje Lund:

“It is impossible not to be moved by this great story. Any serviceman will know that not obeying orders and even worse – to turn your weapons on your own and make a crystal clear threat – usually means severe trouble; either being shot at the spot or to be court-martialed and kicked out of the military. This is the unique story of a man and his crew who did just that- all to save some civilians they didn’t know and had no responsibility for. They could easily have turned their heads away, and gotten away from it. But they acted, and took charge. And they saved lives! Humanity needs heroes and ideals that we can look up to and to lead us in difficult moments.”  - Terje Lund. Major, Royal Norwegian Air Force, Attorney at law, Special adviser on international humanitarian law, Norwegian Red Cross.

Those are my favorites. The key is find books that have the potential to meaningfully impact your children’s lives. Those stories must be rich with a moral dilemma, age appropriate, address cruelty, injustice, and bullying, and then reveal a character who decides to step up and become an UPSTANDER. That moment can be transformational for a child.

©2012 Provided by Dr. Michele Borba. You can follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba

How to curb kid test jitters, get ready for those tests, improve scores, and recognize if when to seek medical advice

It’s that time again one of kids more dreaded four-letter words: T.E.S.T. These days it seems even for many kids even if they’ve studied hard and done their homework when test day comes they’re hit with a wave of panic. Butterflies hit their stomach and their heads are filled with a wave of negative thoughts: “I’m going to flunk.” “I’m so dumb.” And then their mind goes blank.

Diagnosis: “Test Anxiety.” It’s a growing new condition for students these days. Almost 20 percent of tweens and teens experience test anxiety, but with today’s high-stakes testing, the condition is being diagnosed in even our youngest students.

Make no mistake, test-taking anxiety can be costly to our children academic success as well as their emotional and physical well-being. What’s more, stress from test anxiety can reduce kids’ ability to focus and cause them to even “choke” on those answers that they studied for.

While no quick fixes, there are proven solutions that will help reduce anxiety and even improve those test scores. The best news is that parents are a big part of the success equation.

Here are things parents can do before, during, and after those big tests to reduce kid anxiety and even increase those scores.

Before the Test

Watch how your child responds. Here are signs of test anxiety to watch for in your child or teen. Key is to helping your child recognize those signs so he can tune into them himself and learn ways to reduce them before they become overwhelming.

• Physical signs: Butterflies, cold or clammy hands, headache, nausea, feels faint, hot or cold or light-headed, raised heart rate, perspiration, dry mouth
• Emotional signs: Feels helpless and pessimistic, wants to cry, fears failure
• Cognitive signs: Forgets what he learned, more trouble than usual concentrating and thinking about test items, preoccupied with negative thoughts about test performance

Do seek help if test anxiety overwhelms performance. Test jitters are normal, but when performance worries are more severe the problem is called “Test Anxiety.” If your child has a pattern of test anxiety, set a conference with the teacher and then decide if you should seek the help of a trained mental health professional.

Test Anxiety Reducers

Adopt positive thoughts. Negative thoughts about performance can affect test taking. Sian Beilock’s research at the University of Chicago found teaching kids to reframe negative feelings about test taking can impact test scores. So teach your child one of these techniques (and do teach in advance…not the morning of the test!)

Challenge each negative idea by finding evidence that it’s not always true.

Child: “I always do badly on tests.” You: “Practicing your flash cards boosted your spelling grade on Friday.”

Child: “I won’t remember anything.” You: “Eating a good breakfast seemed to sure helped improve your memory for your last math test.”

Reframe negative thoughts. Teach your child to erase “bad thoughts” with positive ones about test-taking. Instead of: “I hate taking tests.” Say: “I’m really psyched up for this test.

Shift stress views. Your child may get sweaty palms or a pounding heart before taking a test but remind him that he can get those same signs from enjoyable experiences like riding a tilt-a-whirl or watching a close baseball game.

Teach test-taking strategies. There are simple skills that help improve test performance as well as reduce kids’ test anxiety. Online programs and books are now available to help kids learn ways to be effective (and calmer) test takers. Start by identifying your child’s current study habits. Then think of one or two simple solutions to begin helping your child improve his test taking skills. For instance: Write each vocabulary word on a flash card so he can review them at his brother’s soccer practice. Hire a tutor if necessary. Here are few tips you can teach your child:

Ask questions. If you are unsure of the question, raise your hand to get clarification

Quickly flip though. Get an instant gauge as to the type of questions and test length

Answer what you know. Fill in the questions you know right away so you don’t forget.

Check answers. Never turn in a test without first checking to make sure no questions have been skipped. Always proofread your answers if you have time.

Don’t cram. Test-anxious kids figure they will worry less if by putting their studying off and then cramming at the last minute. But it backfires and instead increases anxiety. Not only will he be less likely to know the subject content but he will also recognize he’s not prepared. Check in with the teacher so you know that test schedule and can prepare further in advance. Then map out a study schedule on a calendar several evenings before the test.  Do set realistic study times. Study lengths and breaks should be relaxed and geared to your child’s attention. Typical study spans per ages are: 6 to 8 years: 15 minutes; 9 to 10 years: 20 minutes; 11 and 12 years: 30 minutes; 13 years: 30 to 40 minutes.

Do practice tests. The more comfortable your child is about test taking, the less anxious he will be. So ask the teacher for a few practice tests or purchase a test-taking manual geared to your child’s level. Then help your child apply the test-taking strategies he’s learned as well as those anxiety-reducers on a few practice tests to boost his confidence.

On the Test Day

Hold your tongue! This is not the time to review nor tell your child “you should have studied.” Better to keep things calm – including yourself! You want your child to feel be relaxed and not pick up any clues from you. (FYI: Teens say a big cause of their stress is not school-related but “us-related”) Our “too high” and unrealistic expectations for their success is stressing them out and causing them to choke on those tests. Keep cool!

Ensure sleep. Countless studies find a significant correlation between kids’ sleep and test performance. For instance, fourth and sixth graders who got on average 31 minutes less sleep each night performed significantly less on achievement-tests. A study of over 7000 high school students found that teens who received A’s average about 15 more minutes sleep than the B students, who in turn averaged 11 more minutes than the C’s and the C’s had ten more minutes than the D’s. The biggest sleep disturbers: computers, cell phones, texting and TV. Unplug your kid at least 30 minutes before sleep. Also, watch out for caffeinated or energy drinks. Teens are taking them to stay up later to study – but then have a harder time sleeping.

Serve brain food for breakfast. Don’t let your child skip breakfast. Studies show that a breakfast rich in whole-grain cereals along with a lean protein such as eggs is proven to help maintain your child’s energy and keep him more alert during that test.

Use anxiety-reducers. Research shows that using a relaxation strategy can reduce test anxiety. Here are possibilities to teach your child a few weeks before the big test then do on the morning of the test:

Self-talk: Repeat a relaxing phrase silently such as: “It’s only a test.” “I don’t have to be perfect.” Or “I’ll worry later, but I’m going to focus on the test now.

Deep breathing: Take a three by three: Breathe in slowly to a count of three then exhale slowly to a count of three. Repeat the deep breathing strategy at least three times.

Visualize a calm scene: Close your eyes and imagine a calm peaceful place (a park, beach, tree house) that the child has experienced and brings a smile to his face.

Write your anxiety away. The morning of the test, encourage your child to take 5-10 minutes to write all his concerns about the test (“I’ll forget the answers…I’ll flunk….I won’t have enough time”) on paper. A study published, Dr. Beilock and  co-author, Gerardo Ramirez, found the writing technique  used by a group of ninth graders prior to a biology final, worked both in the lab and in classrooms to reduce test anxiety. Encourage your child to use that strategy during another stressful situation such as at a sleepover or a family reunion. Model it yourself around your kids such as when your soufflé isn’t rising or the computer won’t boot. Or make it a family affair: “Let’s practice those deep breaths at bedtime.” Practicing in real life will improve the chance the test-taking strategy will succeed. Besides, the more your child “sees” that strategy, the more likely he will use it.

After the Test

Review test performance. During a relaxed time, help your child evaluate his test performance and results. Questions might include: “Did you feel any differently this time?” “Did the three by three breathing?” “What part of the test was the easiest? The most difficult?” What things helped that you want to remember to try again?”  The trick is to help your child recognize what works so he can apply those same strategies again to the next test.  You can also determine what still needs correcting or how to form a better test-taking plan.

Monitor the situation. While it is normal for kids to be anxious before a test, if anxiety signs persist, increase, or interfere with your child’s school performance or life, then it is time to seek help. Talk with your child’s teacher to discuss his progress, and ensure that he is in the right academic placement and whether she advises a tutor. If anxiety mounts or your child continues to struggle then please seek the counsel of a mental health professional. Use the Rule of “Too”: Whenever the problem lasts TOO long (at least every day for two weeks), seeps into TOO many areas of your child’s life (affects not only school, but also your relationship with your child, his social life or health), and your child’s behavior change is TOO different from “his typical” it’s time to talk to your doctor.

Stay cool and be accepting. A big kid worry is, “I hope I didn’t let my parents down” so reaffirm your unconditional love—regardless of that score. Research shows that a warm, accepting parenting style with realistic expectations helps decrease kids’ test anxiety.

The No Child Behind act mandates that your child is tested for reading and math every year in grades three through eight and at least once in high school (that doesn’t include all the spelling tests, math tests, history tests and state tests and on and on and on). Regardless of how prepared or capable your child, his over-riding concern about his performance reduces his ability to focus and test his best. With all the emphasis on high-stakes testing, kids pushed to meet higher standards, and even more rigorous high school tests coming up, it’s crucial to help our kids learn successful test-taking and coping strategies, and nip test anxiety in the bud.

© 2012 Dr. Michele Borba For more educational and parenting strategies follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba 

BC research and three takeaways for bully prevention

New research on bullying is published so quickly it’s hard to stay current with recent findings. But at the same time we’re already seeing an epidemic of so-called “bullying prevention programs” flooding the market. Latest reports [Farrington] reveal that - at best -only about one fourth of those “bully prevention” programs are effective in reducing bullying behaviors and attitudes in our schools.

That doesn’t imply that bullying can’t be reduced – after all, bullying is a learned behavior so it can be unlearned.

What it does mean that we need to become far better consumers in purchasing and implementing “anti-bullying curriculums”  so we do ensure that those programs, policies, and practices that we do adopt will work with our children.

That’s why I urge you to review the new research by the University of British Columbia – and particularly review three points that are my take-aways from this important work.

Then please pass this information on to your colleagues and discuss it or review these points with your children.

My 3 Take-Aways for Bullying Prevention from BC Research

1. Most students do not equate cyberbullying with traditional forms of schoolyard bullying.

Lesson: Don’t assume the interventions you are implementing to stop bullying will apply to online bullying.

2. Most students (95%) say that bullying that happens online is intended as a “joke” that should not be taken seriously. (Hmmmm)

Lesson: Youth are underestimating the level of harm associated with cyberbullying. We need to nail down the point to them: “Verbal and written bullying – online or off – is hurtful, emotionally damaging and is NO joke.”

3. Teens who cyberbully play multiple roles – as bullies, victims and witnesses. The traditional definition and characteristics of bullying (a power imbalance, repetition, intent to harm) may not apply to online bullying and need further review. 

Lesson: Traditional bullying prevention programs aimed only at one role may not work at reducing online bullying. We may need to rethink our definition of bullying so it applies to cyber-attacks – or use two different definitions – online/offline so all stakeholders are clear as to our expectations. 

Just food for thought. Here is the University of British Columbia research published April 13, 2012. – MB

University of British Columbia Findings on Bullying

University of British Columbia research comparing traditional bullying with cyberbullying finds that the dynamics of online bullying are different, suggesting that anti-bullying programs need specific interventions to target online aggression.

“There are currently many programs aimed at reducing bullying in schools and I think there is an assumption that these programs deal with cyberbullying as well,” says Jennifer Shapka, an associate professor in the Faculty of Education at UBC who is presenting this research at the American Educational Research Association (AERA) annual meeting in Vancouver.

“What we’re seeing is that kids don’t equate cyberbullying with traditional forms of schoolyard bullying. As such, we shouldn’t assume that existing interventions will be relevant to aggression that is happening online.”

Shapka is presenting a study that involved 17,000 Vancouver, B.C. students in Grades 8 to 12 and a follow-up study involving 733 Vancouver, B.C. youth aged 10-18.

Results of the studies show that about 25-30 per cent of youth report that they have experienced or taken part in cyberbullying, compared to 12 per cent of youth who say they’ve experienced or taken part in schoolyard bullying. However:

“Youth say that 95 per cent of what happens online was intended as a joke and only 5 per cent was intended to harm. It is clear that youth are underestimating the level of harm associated with cyberbullying,” says Shapka.

According to Shapka, the findings suggest that in cyberbullying adolescents play multiple roles – as bullies, victims, and witnesses – and “downplay the impact of it, which means that existing education and prevention programs are not going to get through to them.”

“Students need to be educated that this ‘just joking’ behaviour has serious implications.”

Being victimized online can have consequences for a person’s mental health, developmental wellbeing, and academic achievement, according to Shapka. In extreme cases, there have been reports of suicide.

Traditional bullying, or schoolyard bullying, is often associated with three main characteristics: a power differential between bully and victim, a proactive targeting of a victim, and ongoing aggression.

Shapka says, research is beginning to show that cyberbullying does not necessarily involve these three characteristics. Traditional power differentials – size and popularity – do not necessarily apply online.

There also seems to be more fluid delineation between the roles youth play; it is not unusual for an individual to act in all capacities – bullies, victims, and witnesses – online.

Previous work by Shapka and her colleagues has shown that in contrast to traditional bullying, cyberbullying is rarely associated with planned targeting of a victim.

A number of Internet safety campaigns suggest parents keep an eye on their children’s online activity but Shapka says this kind of micro-managing can undermine healthy adolescent development.

“An open and honest relationship between parents and children is one of the best ways to protect teenagers from online risks related to cyberbullying, Internet addiction, and privacy concerns related to disclosing personal information online.”

The above story is reported by the University of British Columbia (news : web)

Parenting tips I shared on DATELINE and TODAY Show

Join Natalie Morales and myself Monday at 9am PT/12 pm ET for a live chat about these tips. Go to Google “Hangout” Dateline – and join the chat. 

Giving your kids the keys to a car is one of the scariest moments of parenthood. “Will they make safe choices?” is always a parents’ haunting concern. I was involved with last night’s Dateline special where we watched teens make decisions in what appeared to be potentially dangerous situations.

• Will they get into a car with a teen they think has been drinking?
• What about with a driver who says he is high?
• Which-if any-teen say, “No” to a peer and not get into that car?

A Liberty Mutual/SADD 2011 Teen Driving Report also found these troubling stats:

• One in five teens admit driving under the influence of marijuana
• One in four teens say they would take a ride from a drive that was high on marijuana or prescription drugs
• One in eight teens say driving while impaired by marijuana is not distracting.

While there are no guarantees your teen will drink, research shows there are parenting strategies to lower risky behaviors and boost safety odds. Here are critical tips I shared on Dateline and last week on the TODAY show to boost your teen’s safety and your sanity. These tips are culled from research as well as talking to teens.

1.  Set Clear Rules Against Drinking and Put the Rule in Writing

Teen contract by SADD: Students Against Destructive Decisions

A study of over 1000 teens found that teens with “hands on” parents who establish clear behavior expectations, monitor their teens comings and goings, and aren’t afraid to say no are four times less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking and driving. Teen’s also say they will be more cautious about drinking and driving if they know you are serious and will follow through. Feel free to be strict without feeling guilty. It makes no difference whether your teen has a driver’s license no a car—peers do. So stress one rule: “NEVER ever drink and drive.”

Have your teen sign a contract to never drink and drive. Students Against Drunk Driving (SADD) www.saddonline.com provides a free online contract to download. It may help them pause just the second they need to not get behind that wheel.

Set strict consequences.Stress to your teen that drinking and driving—either as the driver or passenger—means an automatic lose of his or her driving license. Then make a pact: if your teen calls for a ride, he can keep that license.

2. Let Your Teen Know You Will Monitoring

This sounds obvious but don’t overlook it: teens say if they know you are watching they are less likely to engage in risky behaviors. Of course, they won’t tell you that to your face – but they do tell researchers. So be there. Waiting at the front door when he comes home is a great technique. Then give him a quick check those signs you may miss:

A quick hug to smell for liquor

Check eyes for redness

Check speech patterns: “How was the party?”

Look for a new pattern of gum chewing or mint sucking to reduce alcohol smell

Watch the walk

3. Form an Alliance With Other Parents

A survey by The Partnership for a Drug-Free America and called the “MetLife Foundation Attitude Tracking Study found that the place where teens are most likely to encounter drugs and alcohol is at parties and other social situations. While not shocking, what is that teens say that many parties are not adult supervised and in some cases it’s the adults who are the suppliers.

99 percent of parents say they would not serve alcohol at their kid’s party; but 28% of teens say they have been at supervised parties where alcohol is available.

A Survey by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia also found that half of teens who attend parties say alcohol, drugs or both are available though 80 percent of parents believe teens attend substance-free parties.

Know your teen’s friends and their parents. Make a pack to monitor each other’s kids and pledge that there will be no unsupervised parties.

Make a rule that you call any parent hosting a party to assure supervision.  Doing so helps you find other parents share rules, which helps when your teen says, “You’re the only parent with those rules” – you can beg to differ.

4. Create a Secret Code with Your Teen

Teens say that losing face with peers is a big reason they don’t call for help. “I couldn’t call you. My friends would hear!” So create a text code like “1-1-1” or a phrase such as “I’m getting the flu” so your teen can save face and still alert you that he needs a designated driver and rescue. Also make a pack with a trusted adult that if you’re not available, your teen knows he can call that person for help.

Earn your teen’s trust. Promise that you’ll pick your teen with no questions asked. Many teens admitted to having a code with their parents but don’t use it because their parents didn’t follow through on their “no questions asked” pledge and disciplined them instead. If you want your teen to call, earn their trust.

Pass your code on to one trusted adult. Also make a pack with a trusted adult that if you’re not available, your teen knows he can call that person for help.

Have emergency backup plans. Give your teen a card with phone numbers of taxicab services and money in a drawer and tell your teen to use in case of an emergency. Doing so does not mean you are giving your approval to drink but you understand that peer pressure is tough and in case something comes up your teen is prepared and knows how to get a safe ride home if he doesn’t call you.

5. Don’t Make Liquor Available

Teens admit getting alcohol is easy-and the easiest place to get it is in their home. The second easiest place is in their friends’ homes. One study at Ultrecht University in The Netherlands of 12 to 15 years olds found that the only parenting factor related to adolescent drinking was the amount of alcohol availability in the home. The amount of liquor the parents drank was not a factor.

Lock up your liquor supply. Don’t tell your teen where the key is! Count those liquor bottles.

Watch your credit card. The hot place teens buy alcohol is on the Internet.

Admonish an older sibling to not be the supplier.

6. Create a Safety Net for Special Occasions

Prom and Grad Night are teen occasions when alcohol is more prevalent and drunk driving accidents peak. Get on board with the school and other parents to reduce the likelihood of drinking and driving to keep teens safer.

Set up a Safe Rides program in your community.

Designate other peers, older siblings or younger class as drivers who do not drink.

Consider hiring a limo for a group of teens who are going to an event together.

Limit the amount of driving. Don’t let your teen rent a hotel room after an event.

7. Develop Peer Comebacks with Your Teen

Peer pressure is fierce, and teens say those “Just say no” type lines don’t work. So help your adolescent create lines to use to with peers that let her save face and buck the pressure: “My dad will take away my license.” “I don’t need a ride-my friend is coming.” “My mom will ground me for life—and she always finds out.”

If teens are at your home, you are responsible for their safety and well-being.

Be at the door when they leave. Tell them you will wait up and be at the door when they return. Ensure that they are safe to drive.

If you have just an ounce of doubt, take their keys and you the driver. PLEASE!

Now go talk to your teen. And then talk again and again and again.

And don’t forget teens get their views about alcohol from watching. Be the example you want your teen to catch.

Dr. Michele Borba is a TODAY Show contributor, author, parenting expert and educational consultant. For more about her work see MicheleBorba.com or follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba