6 proven stress busters I shared on TODAY for the sake of our health and our kids’ well-being

Let’s face it, “Mommying” has always been stressful, so it should be no surprise that 70 percent of U.S. moms admit mothering is “incredibly stressful.” (A whooping 96 percent also feel that we are far more stressed than our own mothers).

A few factors seem to be triggering Mommy Angst including financial insecurities, a more intensive parenting style where we do more-more more, higher (and sometimes unrealistic) expectations for our kids’ success, a lack of support, time famine, relationship demands, and concern that the world is more perilous for kid raising.

But more significant than the cause is the negative impact unchecked stress has on our health and family’s well being as well as our children emotional health and our parenting competencies. Moms who face ongoing stress are prone to be more insensitive and harsh as well as more likely to make derogatory comments in an angry tone to their kids. Studies also should that a parent’s ability to manage stress is a strong predictor of the quality of her relationship with her children and how happy their children were!

Two Quick “Mommy Stress” Tests

Stress buildup can ruin family harmony and destroy physical health. So how do you know if your stress is harming your kids? Here are two quick tests to find out (and I dare you to take them). Ask your kids tonight:

Your Home Climate Test

Is your home a place where you and your kids can de-stress?

Are there laughs and time to enjoy each other’s company in a relaxed mode?

Your Kids’ Memory of YOU Test

If you asked your kids to describe you would they say you are usually calm, take time to listen and are enjoyable to be around?

If your home climate is generally tense and your kids typify you as usually “tense, wiped-out and irritable,” it’s time to get your stress in check.

Education has always been a passion of mine. Moral development and nurturing children’s compassion and empathy are the essence of my work. So when General Mills asked me if I’d like to be a spokesperson for its Betty Crocker Fruit Flavored Snacks “Win & Give” campaign, I jumped at the opportunity. This campaign gives kids in the U.S. the opportunity to win a XO laptop from the non-profit One Laptop per Child (OLPC) and triggers a donation of the same laptop to kids in Africa. Through this program, it’s easy to get kids involved in giving back and recognize they can be heroes and make a difference.

The most amazing part of working with Betty Crocker Fruit Flavored Snacks was that I would be able to travel to Rwanda with several General Mills employees and employees of OLPC to help deliver XO laptops and backpacks filled with much-needed school supplies. I was excited to have the opportunity to witness the incredible impact these computers have on the lives of kids in Africa and the power of giving back.

In case you’re not familiar, Rwanda is a small landlocked East African nation (sometimes considered part of central Africa) slightly larger than Vermont and the most densely populated African country. This beautiful country also experienced the unspeakable horrors of genocide in 1994. Hundreds of thousands of people were killed in just one hundred days.  Imagine!

A UNICEF study found that five out of six children who had been in Rwanda during the slaughter had, at very least, witnessed bloodshed. My heart hurt for the Rwandan children, the same Rwandan children who so captured my heart.

I was in Rwanda for a week and during that time, visited hundreds of children at several local schools both giving laptops and also checking in on schools that had already received them. I also helped give out backpacks that were packed with goodies by kids in the U.S. The backpacks included a notebook, a pencil, gum, a ruler and a note from the student in the U.S. that filled the backpack at an event in August. But more on that note a little later.

It’s important for you to understand how different the Rwandan school experience is than that of children in the US. When we got to the schools, I noticed while their classrooms do have electricity, they were bare –no books, school supplies, paper, just old wooden desks, one blackboard, cement floors and a teacher. Recess was outside on the red clay dirt. Their play equipment consisted of tattered jump ropes and maybe a few cans or balls to kick.

I noticed immediately, however, that everywhere-everywhere-the kids met me with smiles and hugs. These extraordinary children were friendly, open, affectionate and so appreciative. The minute they saw us coming, they would come running to greet us.

Once utilizing the XO laptop, I saw the classroom come alive with children working, engaged in their own education. They were sharing and creating together. Each click of the mouse was helping them become more connected both to the world and to a brighter future.

I had an experience at the Murambi School in Kigali for deaf and mute children that literally altered my life. As elsewhere, the kids came running to greet us that day. I visited classrooms and was mesmerized as they did lessons on their XO computers.

I saw the pride in their eyes as they discovered the right answers and demonstrated their programming skills. There was such excitement as the students received their backpacks and opened them to find the small items. By and large, the thing they were most grateful for was the personal note written by a child from the U.S. that I mentioned before. The students savored those cards-holding them as if they were golden. As one boy read his note, he looked up at me with tears, and held his card to his chest while pointing to his heart as a sign to let me know how much that note meant. In broken English he said, “thank you” as he stood up and hugged me with such gratitude. I just hugged him right back and cried.

I wished that American students could have seen the impact their simple, caring gesture had on the lives of the children in that classroom (you may visit www.winonegiveone.com to see images and footage from the trip).

The Betty Crocker “Win & Give” campaign is all about helping moms and kids realize that even the smallest of acts of giving can make a big difference. I’m so committed to this program and the power it has to change lives.

Giving back is part of my beliefs as I’m convinced it mobilizes children’s hearts and activates compassion. It’s a simple secret that opens up our children’s hearts.

As a mom, giving back to others is part of our family mantra and played a large role in how my husband and I raised our three boys. I’ve seen first-hand that when children see the incredible impact they can have on someone’s life, it empowers them to continue to give back and get involved. Best yet, the experience nurtures empathy and altruism-the seeds of humanity. Instilling altruistic values in kids helps them grow into kind, empathetic and respectful adults. Let’s make sure we adults give our kids the opportunity.

I will never forget the experience I had in Rwanda nor the children I met there.

Our kids-all children-deserve to know they can be heroes.

One thing is certain, kids aren’t born hateful. Prejudices are learned. Hatred and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and tolerance. If today’s children are to have any chance of living harmoniously in this multiethnic world, it is critical that parents nurture it.

REALITY CHECK: Did you know that today’s American youth are displaying intolerant actions at alarming rates-and at younger ages? The FBI reports that most hate crimes are committed by youth younger than nineteen. The Associated Press announced  that 2009 saw most federal hate crime cases since 2001. The Southern Poverty Law Center (http://www.tolerance.org) reports that those stats are “severely flawed” and much higher.

Here are seven parenting solutions you can use that help curtail bigotry while at the same time influence your kids to treat others with respect and understanding. What better day to start nurturing our children’s tolerance than on Martin Luther King, Jr’s birthday! Here are ways to do so:

1.Confront Your Prejudices

The first step to nurturing tolerance is to examine your own prejudices and reflect on how you might be projecting those ideas to your child. Chances are that you are communicating those attitudes to your child. Make a conscious attempt to temper them so that they don’t become your child’s prejudices.

2.Commit to Raising a Tolerant Child

Parents who think through how they want their kids to turn out usually succeed simply because they planned their parenting efforts. So if you really want your child to respect diversity, you must adopt a conviction early on to raise him to do so. Once your child knows your expectations, he will be more likely to embrace your principles.

3.Refuse to Allow Discriminatory Comments

When you hear prejudicial comments, verbalize your displeasure. How you respond sends a clear message to your child about your values:

“That’s disrespectful and I won’t allow such things to be said in my house.” or “That’s a biased comment, and I don’t want to hear it.”

Your child needs to hear your discomfort so that she knows you really walk your talk. It also models a response she should imitate if prejudicial comments are made in her presence.

4.Embrace Diversity

From a young age, expose your child to positive images-including toys, music, literature, videos, public role models, and examples from TV or newspaper reports-that represent a variety of ethnic groups.

Encourage your child, no matter how young, to have contact with individuals of different races, religions, cultures, genders, abilities, and beliefs.

The more your child sees how you embrace diversity, the more prone he’ll be to follow your standards and be more empathic and tolerant.

5. Emphasize Similarities

Encourage your child to look for what he has in common with others instead of how he is different. Any time your child points out how she is different from someone, you might say.

“There are lots of ways you are different from other people. Now let’s try to think of ways you are the same.”

Help her see how similarities outweigh differences.

6. Counter Discriminatory Beliefs

When you hear a child make a prejudicial comment, listen to find out why he feels the way he does. Then gently challenge his views and point out why they are incorrect. For example if your child says:

“Homeless people should get jobs and sleep in their own houses.”

You might counter: “There are many reasons homeless people don’t work or have houses. They may be ill or can’t find jobs. Houses cost money, and not everyone can pay for one.”

Stereotypes lead to prejudice. Stop them!

7. Be the Example

The best way for your child to learn tolerance is for him to watch and listen to your daily example.

Ask yourself each day one critical question: “If my child had only my behavior to copy, would he be witnessing an example of what I want him to emulate?”

Make sure you are walking your talk.

Hatred, bigotry, prejudice, and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and tolerance. Although it’s certainly never too late to begin, the sooner we start nurturing tolerance in our children, the better the chance we have of preventing insidious, intolerant attitudes from taking hold.

There has never been a time when it is most important to do so than now.

Dr. Michele Borba

I am an educational psychologist and have authored over 22 books including the Big Book of Parenting Solutions.For more specific ideas to curb intolerance refer to intolerance, empathy, insensitivity.

A Guest Blog By Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions

We’ve all been there.  You tell your kids to clean your room, and you can actually see their expressions glaze over.  Remind Jacob to do his science homework, he rolls his eyes.  Tell Emma to set the table, and the whining starts before you can hand her the forks.

You’re not alone if you find yourself wondering when your kids signed up for Testing Patience 101. But these misbehaviors aren’t something they picked up at school.  Surprisingly, it’s our own habit of bossing our kids around that sometimes brings out frustrating actions on their part.  After all, how would we respond if we had someone following us around and telling us what to do all the time?

While there are times when our kids just need to be told what to do, there is also a direct link between the amount of ordering, directing, or correcting we do and the amount of misbehavior we get. From toddler to teen, children are hard-wired with a need for independence.  As a result, our well-intentioned reminders and instructions garner natural pushback as our kids attempt to retain their autonomy.  The result is an unwanted power struggle between parent and child.

So what is the alternative?  After all, the homework has to get done, and our kids need to learn to help out around the house.

The five strategies below are designed to help eliminate the complaining and jumpstart cooperation.

Create routines for tasks that occur daily or weekly.  Then stick to them.  If Jacob knows that his homework must be done each night before he can play video games or watch his favorite TV show, you won’t need to give him a daily reminder.

Change your phrase by asking questions instead of giving directions.  Replace “don’t forget to start your book report!” with “which book did you choose for your report?”

Making the switch to a question prompts your child to think through her answer, and it also shows that you trust in her to have taken the action on her own.

If she hasn’t actually started yet, it also gives her the opportunity to quickly develop a plan.  Regardless of her response, you achieve the peace of mind that she is completing her report without robbing her of her independence.

Consider cooperation instead of directing, reminding, or correcting.  Rather than simply telling Emma to set the table – which would be about as productive as asking the table to set itself – include her in the decision process by suggesting the action and explaining why it would be helpful.

Try something such as “Emma, dinner is taking longer than expected to make.  It would be a big help if you could set the table.”

While this strategy might not lead to instant cooperation on their part, your kids will soon begin responding positively as you change from commands to language that supports their need for autonomy.

Clarify the consequences of your child not completing an assigned chore or task.  This acknowledges that you can’t force your kids to do something, but that you can control how you respond to their action or lack thereof.

Begin by deciding and explaining to them what you as the parent are going to do.  For example, tell your children that you will do laundry on Mondays.  If their clothes aren’t in the hamper, they will have to either wash the clothes themselves or wait for the next laundry day.  If Monday comes and Ava’s smelly gym clothes are in her backpack instead of the hamper, you can bet that once she discovers her mistake just before gym glass, she’ll get it right next time.

Choose to smile as you incorporate these techniques.  Even if you have to fake it, smiling changes communication completely:  smiling while talking leads to calmer tone of voice and decreases the likelihood your statement will be received as a command.

Need help remembering to plaster on a grin?  Add a smiley face note to your mirror, the fridge, your dashboard – anywhere you’re likely to face a power struggle.  You’ll be surprised how quickly this little technique improves cooperation within your family!

Changing our own behavior is the most important step in putting an end to our kids’ misbehavior.  By following these five strategies, you will see fewer power struggles in your home – and that means less eye rolling, whining, and tantrums.  Instead, you’ll find more cooperative kids who might even surprise you by lending a hand without being asked!

Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. For easy to implement strategies for happier families and well-behaved kids, follow Positive Parenting Solutions on Facebook

Twin U.S. birth rate skyrockets: Parenting tips for raising multiples 

A report out this week shows that many parents are seeing double (literally) these days. The twin birth rate in the U.S. has more than doubled over the last three decades. For a bit of perspective: In 2009 one in every 30 babies born was a twin-an astounding increase over the one in 53 rate in 1980.

Reasons for the increase include more women delaying having a family until over 30 (and for some reason, moms in their 30s are more likely to have twins than younger or older women) as well as the rise in fertility drugs and treatment.

But despite the joy of giving birth, the reality is there are unique parenting challenges in raising multiples. You probably are more exhausted and financially strapped, but there are also special concerns as well. Among them:

How do I help my children develop their own individual identifies?

Should twins share the same classroom?

Should they have the same friends?

What about those language delays studies show are prevalent with twins

Here are few proven solutions to parenting those wonderful multiples.

Get Knowledgeable

While the basics of good parenting work for any child, there are unique issues when raising multiples. So start by gaining a perspective on the special challenges you may face. The Scientific American’s article: “Identical Twins’ Genes Are Not Identical” is a fascinating read. You also might get yourself a subscription to TWINS Magazine or read one of these great resources:

~ It’s Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence, by Susan Heim. You can follow Susan on twitter @ParentingAuthor

~ Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, by Joan Friedman 

~ Raising Twins After the First Year: Everything You Need to Know About Bringing Up Twins—From Toddlers to Preteens, by Karen Gottesman

Encourage Individuality

Multiples often look, act and even think alike, and in addition because they share similar interests, classrooms, scout troops, friends, and even birthdays, others often see them as “package deal.”

What’s more because they share so many similarities, they are constantly compared to one other and fuel competition amongst them. And that’s a huge disservice to their emotional growth. After all, these kids are also separate and unique and deserve to be treated as individuals. So:

~ Find the unique talent or strength in each sibling–singing, karate, guitar, a jazz dancing group basketball, drawing, surfing, or whatever. Then provide individual opportunities to nurture her talent so she is recognized for her special abilities.

~ Encourage them to try at least one separate activity such as scouting, Boys and Girls Club, a swim team. Parents often sign multiples up for the same activities or sport team (I know, it’s easier to carpool but…) which may force competing against each other.

~ Refrain from labeling! Watch out about calling one child more “gifted” or “our little student.”

Make Things Fair, Not Equal

Don’t try to parent so you try to make everything equal by treating each child the same. It’s impossible! Instead, parent for fairness, which means treating each child justly by adjusting your standards and expectations based on each individual child’s needs. For instance:

~ Discipline separately. Lay down the same rules, but discipline each child separately. Never punish them as a unit when only one is responsible).

~ Honor individual needs. Establish the same computer times, but if one needs more time for homework the other knows that school comes first. Set clear bathroom schedules, but if one sibling has an upcoming event the other switches their times. Buy toys for both your kids to share but make sure that each child has their own (and books and clothes) and that each item is clearly labeled.

Talk, Talk, Talk  to Your Children

Multiples spend more time with one another and sometimes even develop a private language. Because they rely on one another they also spend less talking time with parents and are at a greater risk for language delays than singletons and that could impact their language, IQ and academic potential. The influence of parent-child conversation – particularly in the early years–has a profound impact on your children’s language development. So look for ways to talk to your kids during normal, everyday activities.

~ Read to them and find time for frequent family meals (which has great potential for talking and listening).

~ Speak out loud about the things you are thinking—whether it’s your to-do list, dinner menu, or plans to visit your mother so they can hear your inner dialogue.

~ Invite your friends and family over. Just having more adults around will help increase each child’s exposure to speech.

Weigh the Classroom Scene Carefully

While you want to help each sibling develop their own unique individuality and have separate experiences, the parenting premise doesn’t apply when it comes to school.

~ Know the research. All twin development research in the past 20 years finds that “twins who are allowed to be together in preschool and as long as they want to be in the early elementary years seem to make a much better adjustment both academically and socially that those who are arbitrarily separated.” Once the adjustment to school is accomplished, separation in later grades happens naturally and easily.” Of course, decide what you think is best for your kids, but do know the research.

~ Watch for learning disabilities. Some research suggests that twins, especially twin boys, are more likely to suffer from learning disabilities. Fraternal twins have a forty percent chance of sharing learning disabilities while identical twins have been found to have a sixty-eight percent chance. Be alert, and consider having one or both assessed for learning disabilities if there are academic difficulties.

Take Care of Yourself

Multiple kids may double your pleasure but it also doubles the stress. Some research suggests that the added stress of multitasking can put a strain on not only you but also your marriage. For instance:

~ Join a Mothers of Multiples group,  such as National Organization of Mother of Twins Clubs or Multiple Birds Canada .

~ Spend time-just a bit-away from your kids.  Take a short walk, hire a baby-sitter so you can go to a movie, join an exercise club, or just ride bikes together. The activity doesn’t have to cost a dime.

~ Find “you” time. Find what helps you stay balanced and relaxed and ink that into your daily routine. Setting aside just ten minutes a day may be all it takes but those minutes will help you take on the challenge of parenting multiples.

The Rescuing Hug

One touching and widely circulated article described how twins born prematurely were placed in separate incubators. A short while later one twin was fighting for her life and no treatment seemed to help. A concerned neonatal nurse decided to put the twins together in one incubator and then watched in awe as the healthy twin snuggled up and wrapped her tiny arm around her sick sister.

Within minutes the sick twin’s blood oxygen rates stabilized and the child recovered. Nothing I’ve ever seen describes the extraordinary bond of multiples. Remember that regardless of the complications and special challenges, you are parenting a most unique relationship. Enjoy!