Parenting advice I shared today on NBC TODAY show and a review of new research that shows narcissism rise in our youth. Is social networking connected?

A growing number of researchers are finding a link between social media web-sites like “Facebook” and “My Space” and anti-social narcissistic behavior among certain users. I reported on those findings this morning on the TODAY show and every parent and educator must be aware of the new research.

What is Narcissism?

So we can be on the same page as the researchers, they define narcissism as being self-centered, arrogant, and entitled. It’s not just attention-getting or wanting to be liked but a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration—an exaggerated sense of self-importance where the person believes they are special and require excessive admiration from others.”

The phrase, “so-and so is such a narcissist,” is often used in our culture and generally means just a self-centered person. But there is a clear difference when narcissism rises to the level of being a true psychological problem. The danger is too hefty a dose of narcissism and an unhealthy overriding belief and exaggerated view that “I’m better than all” can turn into a personality disorder robbing a person’s psychological and emotional well being, and there are two big dangers. First, the narcissistic generally has an inability to form healthy, long-term relationships. And because narcissists  are so focused on themselves, the second danger is that is diminishes and even shuts down their capacity to empathize or feel for others.

And that’s the crux of why many child development expert and parents alike are on edge. After all, thousands of teens log in each day and who wants a kid who feels entitled. It’s why we all need to dig deeper and review these results.

York University Study Ties Social Networking to Narcissism…Or Does It?

The latest paper, published last week by researcher Mary Ann Liebert, suggests a link between narcissism (and, in this case Facebook) was a small one. She also concluded that users with narcissistic behaviors could be clearly identified by their Facebook pages. The research has gotten some attention in the news. While it’s an interesting study worth discussing, more data is needed before drawing conclusions. The research used only a small sample size – only 100 students were involved in the study, all students were from the same university, and the researcher herself compiled the ratings so results could be biased. But Liebert’s results come on the tail of two previous studies that also found a connection between narcissistic behavior and social media. And now it may be time to raise our parenting radar.

Poll 2/3rd College Students Agree Their Generation More Self-Centered

Jean Twenge, an associate professor of psychology from San Diego State University and author of Generation Me, has conducted fascinating research about kids’ narcissistic behaviors both on and off line. Tracking over 37,000 college students’ personality profiles, Twenge is finding troubling trend. Young people’s narcissistic personality traits are steadily rising from the 1980s to the present. By 2006, one out of four college students agreed with the majority of the items on a standard measure of narcissistic traits; in 1985 that number was only one in seven. But what about their on-line behavior on social networking?

A national survey out last year of 1068 college students had interesting results. Twenge found that 57 percent of college students admitting that social networking makes them more narcissistic and that their peers used social networking sites for self-promotion, narcissism and attention-seeking.[i] What’s more, over two-thirds of those adolescents surveyed said their generation was “more self-promoting, narcissistic, overconfident and attention-seeking” than others in the past.[ii]

A University of Michigan study [iii]of 14000 college students released this year found that college students today show 40 percent less empathy toward others than college students in 1980s and 1990s The researcher hypothesized that because there are fewer face-to face interactions (largely due to the rise of net connection) empathy is declining.

Results from three large scale, longitudinal studies lead by major researchers at major universities are finding a decrease in kids’ empathy and an increase in narcissistic, self-centered-like behavior. Now it is time to be concerned.

Let’s Not Put All the Blame on Social Networking Sites

If there is a growing narcissistic streak among teens and young adults, let’s not put all the blame of social networking sites. After all, there are 150 million Facebook and Myspace users and not all are narcissists (or I hope not). But a social network is a great place for a teen prone who feels a bit more entitled to draw attention to himself, self-promote, and show the world just how great he is.

But let’s not put all the blame on Facebook for how our kids are turning out. In that regard, I fear we have only ourselves to blame.

The more probable causes to the dawn of the “Self-Annointed Kid” is the new parental style that pushes too much entitlement, too many trophies too soon, too much “center stage” and not enough Nos. Researchers also point out that a celebrity saturated culture that emphasizes the rich and famous, is another culprit along with the breakdown of face-to-face connection, and a society that seems too often to be under-stressing those good old home-spun virtues like kindness, cooperation and helpfulness.

So what’s a parent to do? What do you do if you think you are the proud owner of a budding little narcissistic–or at least a kid who feels entitled-on your hands?

Your first step is to recognize the problem.

Your second step is to use research-based parenting solutions to curb your child’s self-centeredness, and do so pronto.

Tell-Tale Signs-of a Budding Narcissist on a Social Network Site

Researchers say there are a few indicators that could indicate narcissism in youth who are social networking. Keep in mind, it’s not one sign but a combination of behaviors your should watch for in your teen. You should see these same narcissistic behaviors both off screen as well as on.

• All About Me: Tune into your teen’s primary motive for using a social network? Is it primarily for connection to be with others or a place to self-promote? Young narcissists are all self-promoting and not to use Facebook or Myspace as an opportunity to commiserate with peers.

• Read pronouns: Is the teen using those “Me, I and My” pronouns so every entry is about how “I’m doing” and rarely about “What are you up to?”

• Competition: Researchers say a key sign is the teen who constantly (multiple times daily) checks into the network to count his FB friends and then announce that number. The studies found that the more teens checked in and the more they announced their FB friends the higher the narcissism.

• Self-Promotion: Narcissists are more likely to choose glamorous, self-promoting pictures for their main profile photos, while others are more likely to use simple snapshots.

What’s a Parent To Do?

If you suspect your child is a budding little narcissist, the cure isn’t pulling their Facebook account. Chances are high that your teen earned that “entitlement” image before logging onto a social network. Center your parenting efforts on these strategies instead:

• Refocus Praise: Temper those oohs and ahhs that focus only on your kid. Watch out for lavish sugar-coated, undeserved praise and giving out a trophy for every little thing. Instead stress your teen’s inside qualities like kindness, cooperation and reinforce “selfless” acts so he starts to become aware of the rights, feelings, and needs of others. Also, ask yourself if you always single out your teen’s performance in a group activity over the other participants. If so, watch your focus and start emphasizing your teen’s team.

• Face-to-Face Interaction: Narcissistic, entitled kids shut down their capacity to understand where other people are coming. Because they only focus on “ME,” it’s hard to put themselves into someone else’s shoes and feel how they feel. So nurture your teen’s empathy. Boost face to face interaction opportunities to help him see beyond himself. Help him focus on the views of others. Point out other people’s feelings. Ask, “How does the other person feel?” The best antidote for selfishness and entitlement is to boost empathy.

• Stress We Not Me: The best way to learn benevolence and selflessness is not lecturing about it but providing kids with real opportunities to do for others. So find ways your family – and particularly your teen – can do community service and emphasize others not themselves. Work at a shelter. Give part of their allowance to kids in Haiti. Deliver gently-used possessions to charity. Pitch in to help the elderly neighbor rake her leaves.

The real parenting goal is for our children to learn one wonderful life lesson: Doing good for others is one of the greatest ways to feel good about who you are as a person. And doing good for others is also has a hidden benefit: it’s one of the simplest and best ways to boost happiness.

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

RESOURCES

Ypulse survey of 1068 college students was done with Jean Twenge, associate professor of psychology at San Diego State when asked about narcissism in a poll on social networking sites in June by Ypulse, August 2009.

University of Michigan study culled 72 studies that gauged empathy among 14,000 students over 30 years. They found college students today have 40% less empathy than students in the 1980s and 1990s. The researcher suggested its because there are fewer face-to face interactions. “Empathy is best activated when you can see another person signal for help.”

For more parenting advice follow me on twitter at Michele Borba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’s Reality Check. My upcoming TODAY show segments or media appearances are listed on my homepage, Michele Borba.

For specific parenting advice refer to the chapter on ONLY CHILD in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.

Parenting advice to reduce kid greed and reopen generosity

“But I’ve got to have a clown and a pony at my birthday. That’s what Tiffany had.”

“Sure, I have six pairs but the more shoes the better!”

“Grandma only gave me fifty dollars for an A!”

Have you noticed that we seem to have a lot of greedy kids these days? If so, you’re not alone. The general public agrees and feels that increased numbers of today’s youth are self-centered, spoiled. greedy and materialistic. Instead of being appreciative of what they have, these critters only seem to want more, more, more. Kids’ ravenous, never-satisfied manner certainly drains a checkbook, but even more dangerous: greediness vaporizes their hearts and souls.

Think about it: if you incessantly prioritize your own wants and desires and put others’ needs and feelings on hold, your life outlook is inevitably affected. More often than not, the message learned is that relationships are far less valuable than self and material possessions acquired. Bottom line: steady dosages of greediness are shattering to our kids’ character. So if your child appears to have a case of the “gimmes”, always puts himself first, and isn’t appreciative what he has, it’s time for a serious makeover. Start today by beginning long-term commitment to inspire of frugality, altruism, and generosity.

Six Steps to Reduce Kid Greed and Reopen Generosity

Step 1. Encourage Experiences That Nurture Strong Values. The first step to turning off kids’ greed is by helping them recognize that having “stuff” does not provide emotional fulfillment. It must be replaced by a central life message: “Who you are is more important than what you have.” Of course, merely reciting such lines won’t change attitudes. Only through personal example and ongoing experiences that emphasize people over things and values over possessions, will kids grasp the concept. And that only comes through your slow, consistent, committed effort. So begin intentionally looking for kinds of experiences that nurture strong values, skills, and relationships. Then encourage your kid to try them, followed each time by helping him to see the value of the experience.

Step 2. Tame the Gimmes, Then Don’t Back Down. The next step to squelching your kid’s greedy ways is simply not to tolerate the attitude. After all, always giving in to your kid’s greedy desires doesn’t do her any favors.  Say no more often to your kid’s whims and consumer demands, and do so without feeling guilty. Of course, if your kid is used to always getting what she wants, your new response will more than likely not popular her. So explain your concerns and the reason for your new policy, and then stick to it. Whenever possible, encourage family members to make gifts and presents instead of buying a lot of expensive stuff. Pass your “no frill policy” onto other immediate caregivers: particularly grandparents, relatives, and your partner. Don’t bribe or reward your child with material gifts just for doing something he should have done anyway.

Step 3. Monitor Media Consumption that Drives Greediness. Television probably wields the greatest influence on fueling kids’ greedy attitudes, and commercials are relentless in trying to get kids to want, want, want, and buy, buy, buy. So limit your child’s exposure to TV commercials by minimizing his TV viewing. Hint: Children’s public television, while not strictly commercial-free, offers quality programs with much less advertising. And when you are watching those commercials with your kid, point out that their purpose is not altruistic. They want your kids’ money. When kids are more tuned into the advertisers’ motives, they are less likely to want every little thing they see.

Step 4. Praise Charitable Deeds. Praise is one of the oldest parenting strategies but research finds only certain kinds really enhance behavior and changes attitudes. Psychologist Joan Grusec research found that those kids were frequently praised by their mothers whenever they displayed generous behavior actually tended to be less generous on a day- to-day basis than other children. Why? More than likely the children weren’t personally committed to the trait-in this case, generosity-that their moms were praising them for. Without their moms’ encouraging words, there was really no reason for them to continue doing generous actions on their own, because their good behavior was guided by social approval and not on their own internal convictions. So do encourage your kid’s charitable actions, just be more conscious of how you praise and what you say so they understand the value of the deed.

Step 5. Encourage Savings and Financial Planning. Studies find that a large portion of today’s kids are greedy when it comes to money: most want to spend rather than save. We need to help kids fight their greedy spending urges and teach them money management skills when they are young. For a young child, buy her a piggy bank to save coins. Make a rule that it must be filled before the money is spent. Older kids should be required to spend their own money on entertainment and nonessential items. Don’t give out loans. Require that a portion of her allowance to go to a charity of her choice. Above all, say no to frivolous, rash buying and don’t give in. It’s a big step to helping curb greediness and learn to be more appreciative.

Step 6. Require Giving to Others. One of the best ways to curb kids’ greedy attitudes is by requiring that they give to others. Begin by having your family choose a family cause. For example, give part of a weekly allowance to needy kids; adopt an orphan through Save the Children; deliver used toys (in good condition) to the fire department, bake cookies for the lonely neighbor next door. Once your family decides on a cause, commit to carrying it out. Or you’re your kids their allowance and require that a portion go to a charity of their choice. That kind of “hands on” giving activity can foster an attitude of giving that will help counter greediness more powerfully than almost anything else.

I will be on the TODAY show tomorrow at 9:30 at ET/PT (Sept 2) doing a segment a curbing kid narcissism — which is a new and troubling trend.

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more parenting advice follow me on twitter at Michele Borba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’s Reality Check. My upcoming TODAY show segments or media appearances are listed on my homepage, Michele Borba.

For specific parenting advice refer to the chapter on ONLY CHILD in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.

What research says on how onlies turn out and parenting advice for raising the fastest growing breed. Tips I shared on NBC TODAY show this morning.

Your Trivia Pursuit question of the day: What do these famous folks all have in common?

Cary Grant. Elton John. Chelsea Clinton. Alan Greenspan. Gerald Ford. John the Baptist. Laura Bush. Hans Christian Anderson. Lance Armstrong. Pierce Bronson. Carol Burnett. Walter Cronkite. Leonardo da Vinci. Mahatma Gandhi. Rudi Giuliani. Robert de Niro. Eleanor Roosevelt. Franklin Roosevelt. Barbra Streisand. John Updike. John Lennon. Joe Montana. Charles Lindberg. Issac Newton. Cole Porter. Elvis Presley. Frank Sinatra. Gregory Peck. Ringo Starr. Condi Rice. Alicia Keys. Jean Paul Sartre. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

If you haven’t guessed, they’re all only kids and they’re also a growing breed. There are currently 20 million single-kid families in the US. The percentage of American women having only one child has more than doubled in 20 years to almost one quarter. (Time).

This morning on the NBC TODAY show I shared latest research findings about only kids as well as well as special tips to raise singletons. Here are a few tips from my TODAY show segment.

What’s With the New Down-Sizing Family Trend?

The single-kid family is the fastest-growing family trend in the U.S. and most of Western Europe and for a number of reasons including these top three:

Recession and economic crunch: The recession has altered women’s child-bearing desires and for good reason. The average child in the U.S. costs parents about $286,050– before college. Sixty-four percent of women polled said that with the present economic crunch they couldn’t afford to have a baby now; 44 percent plan to reduce of delay childbearing.

Single motherhood increasing. A record 4 in 10 (41%) births were to unmarried women in 2008 which is up 28% in 1990. Single moms is a fast growing breed and many are choosing to adopt and remain single.

Delaying motherhood (marrying later, education, career). The percentage of women giving birth for first time at age 35 or older has increased eight-fold since 1970; among women 40 to 44, the birth rate grew 1 percent to 9.5 births per 1000 women-one of the highest rates ever.

Projections show that the number of only children in the U.S. will keep growing and the new trend is the “down-sized” family.

Benefits of Raising Only Kids

As with every birth order, there are unique pluses and minuses. Here are the top benefits of raising an only according to the research:

• Finances and resources: We can give our onlies more financial advantages because we don’t have to share our bank accounts amongst other siblings. Those benefit of extra financial resources for tutoring and experiences and that one-on-one time seems to make a big difference in how only kids turn out.

• Greater parental attention and energy: Only children do have a huge advantage in the self-esteem and confidence department because they have all their parents’ attention and energy and don’t have to divvy up their parent’s love to sibs.

• Higher academic attainment: Singletons have an edge when it comes to achievement, standardized tests, SATs and intelligence. A 20-year study found only kids have higher education levels, higher test scores, better vocabularies, and higher levels of achievement. The chief reason: we give onlies our undivided attention and talk more one on one so their vocabularies increase –which is an IQ booster. The drawback on this one is that we can put too high of expectations on our “one and only” child. Just make sure you don’t expect this lone offspring to “complete” you just because she is your one and only.

• Closer parent-relationship. No guarantees but for the most part only kids grow up to be happy with closer parent-relationship. (Interestingly enough, anxiety about being the sole caretaker for aging parents once parents’ die is also a top only kid concern.

The Origin of Those Negative Only Kid Stereotypes

Spoiled. Arrogant. Bossy. Selfish. Maladjusted. Lonely. Bratty. Those are just a few terms often used to describe only kids. But where did they come from? Are only kids really doomed? Turn out those negative stereotypes were based on research conducted over 120 years ago by one psychologist, Granville Stanley Hall. Though the 1896 study, “Of Peculiar an Exceptional Children”, proved to be poorly designed (and would be thrown out of psych text books today), it somehow perpetuated a myth that only kids were oddballs and permanent misfits. The latest research refute those negative stereotypes of onlies and give a far more accurate as well as positive view that should give parents big sighs of relief.

A study of over 20,000 kindergarteners found that teachers rated students with at least one sibling as better able to form and maintain friendships and get along. But those same researchers just released Part II of that study last week and found that when only kids become adolescents the “lonely” edge decreases. In fact, there was no difference in the social skills of onlies vs. kids with siblings if their parents provided social opportunities.

Parenting Tips to Raise an Only

Every child needs a boost in some area regardless of family size so singletons are no different than other kids. The key parent question is to ask what your child may be missing because of his or her unique growing up experiences, and then find “fill in” the void with the right opportunities. Here are the top three “issues” and solutions:

1. Dethrone your onlie. Because they do they also stand the risk of acting a bit “entitled” which is a huge peer turn off. So beware that you don’t put your kid on center stage or give him the impression that the world revolves around him (even though in your eyes I’m sure he does).

2. Provide social skill opportunities. So find those social outlets for your child to be with other kids so she can learn those friendship-making traits: play dates, playgroups, a babysitting cooperative, scouting, church groups, family gatherings with cousins, holidays with friends, neighborhood kids, T-ball, summer camps, Boys and Girls Clubs, and sleepovers are just a few of many options to be on the alert for.

3. Help your child learn to solve conflicts. Onlies might have trouble solving conflicts, handling teasing, negotiating or compromising because they don’t have brothers and sisters to help them learn those skills in those day-to-day tiffs and teases. So try not to raise your only child with kid gloves. And make sure you find ways to help your child resolve conflicts and negotiate hot-button issues so she has those skills to handle the real world.

4. Stretch unique talents and strengths. If you’re a parent of any only kid, I’d advise you to just do what every other parent should do: reflect on our child’s own unique talents, interests, passions, personality and temperament. Then look at the activities and interests she currently partakes. Do they match her natural nature? Will they stretch his unique talents and strengths? Or are those activities more in sync with what you hope she will enjoy or your own talents, strengths, skills or memories? Help your child become his own person. After all, your son or daughter deserves that privilege – as does every child.

Breathe: The Kids Will Be All Right

If you’re wondering if onlies should be treated any differently that kids from multi-sibling families, relax. The single greatest correlation of what raises an emotionally healthy kid has nothing to do with birth order or family size. What matter more in how our kids turn out is our parenting style and how we interact with our kids.

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

For more parenting advice follow me on twitter at Michele Borba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’s Reality Check. My upcoming TODAY show segments or media appearances are listed on my homepage, Michele Borba.

For specific parenting advice refer to the chapter on ONLY CHILD in my latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.

Resources:

Cost of raising a child from U.S. Department of Agriculture: Quoted by Lauren Sandler, “The Only Child: Debunking the Myths,” Time Magazine, Jul 08, 2010

Survey from Guttmacher Institute: a leading reproductive-health: Quoted by Lauren Sandler, “The Only Child: Debunking the Myths,” Time Magazine, Jul 08, 2010

Pew study on American motherhood shows both increase in number of larger families and number of only children; share of births to Hispanic women (birth to 1 in 4 babies) white motherhood declined by 12% since 1990; births to Asian others also increased, African-American families stayed stable) based on research demographer, Samuel Preston, U. Pennsylvania by Lauren Sandler, “The Only Child: Debunking the Myths,” Time Magazine, Jul 08, 2010

Study of 20,000 children, D. Downey & D. J. Condron, “Playing Well With Others in Kindergarten: The Benefits of Siblings At Home” Journal of Marriage and Family. 2004, 66, pp 333-350.