“An eating disorder? Impossible!” “Not my daughter!” Disbelief is usually our first response when we read the headlines about anorexia, bulimia and binging. But the fact is at least ten percent of all adolescent girls suffer from eating disorders. Boys now make up about 30 percent of younger children with eating disorders. The disease has no boundaries: male or female, young or old, urban or rural, Catholic or Jewish, black or white. And the rates are only increasing.  But perhaps most disturbing: children as young as five are now diagnosed with eating disorders.

Make no mistake: the consequences are very serious and can be life threatening. Not only is a child with eating disorders at risk for a stroke, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, asthma, and sleep apnea, but also depression. Anorexia increases a child’s risk of premature death by more than 12 times the expected rate. Over 1000 girls die each year from complications. If you have the slightest suspicion that your child may have an eating disorder do not wait. The earlier treatment begins the greater the likelihood that your child will recover or at least make significant progress. That alone is ground to make this change. Start now!

Here are a few evidence-based solutions so we will succeed. All these parenting strategies are from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries and based on proven research. The trick is to consistently use the solution but also turn the “tip” into a parenting “philosophy.” Of course, the secret is to parent for prevention and what I call “real and lasting change.”

Know the signs. Eating disorders are difficult to detect in the early stages, but here are signs. (Specific descriptions are pages 499 of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions).

• Mealtime a constant battle

• Eats in bizarre way (obsessive, picky, hides food, bizarre eating times etc)

• Counts calories obsessively

• Unrealistic assessment of weight

• Stops menstruating or skips periods

• Radical change in temperament

• Physical changes

• Hoards or hides food

• Strange bathroom behaviors (excessive mouth wash to cover up vomit, leaves shower or loud music on to cover up sound, spends excessive time possibly vomiting)

• Large changes in weight

• Uses extreme dieting methods

• Problems with joints, gums or teeth

• Compulsive eating

Limit celebrity media consumption. A five-year study by the AAP found that the more frequently a girl reads those fashion magazines, the more likely she is to resort to extreme weight control behaviors. What’s more: when a celebrity goes on a diet, 70 percent of tween girls want to as well. Teach your child to be media literate and to resist the ways television, movies, and magazines portray underweight women as glamorous and muscle-bound men as all-powerful. While you’re at it, put down those celebrity and fashion magazines yourself. Your child is taking notes.

Check your attitude. Kids who see and hear their parents (especially moms) worrying about their weight and appearance may adopt the belief that being thin is the standard to achieve. While parents do not cause eating disorders, they may unintentionally set off your child’s genetic susceptibility or develop one by picking up your attitudes. So watch your comments and tune into your own behavior. 

Build self-esteem. A positive and well-rounded sense of self-esteem and healthy body image are two of the best means of preventing an eating disorder. So find ways to help your child gain competence in physical, social and academic endeavors. Praise her for her “inside qualities,” not her appearance. Help her discover and nurture her innate strengths and personal qualities. Let her know you love her just because she breathes and exists–not for how she looks.

Hide the scale. A study of more than 2000 teens found that those who weighed themselves frequently were more likely to resort to bingeing, skipping meals, taking diet pills, using laxatives and vomiting. Constantly monitoring those pounds can lead to an unhealthy weight preoccupation especially for girls who are already concerned about how they look. So put away the scale.

Watch her friends. Research on 15,349 adolescents found that eating disorders are contagious and become “transferrable” when girls start sharing their extreme dieting secrets—from fasting, binging, taking diet pills and laxatives—and glorify their anorexic lifestyles. Tune in a bit closer to what your daughter’s friends are talking about. If the focus is all about the latest “diets” and “dress size” it may be time to steer your child toward others friends with healthier outlooks.

Eat regular family meals. A longitudinal survey of over 1500 adolescents found that girls who regularly ate family meals  a few times a week in a structured and positive atmosphere were one-third less likely to develop an eating disorder and significantly less likely to use extreme dieting measures.

Find help! The ideal time to help your child learn new eating and behavior habits is at the first hint of an eating disorder. If you suspect your child may have an eating disorder, GET HELP!

This article is adapted from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. For specific signs, research, resources, and more thorough solutions please refer to the chapters on Eating Disorders, Growing Up Too Fast, Picky Eating, Depression, Stressed, Anxiety. Follow me on twitter @micheleborba or on my website micheleborba.com.

It’s that time again for one of kids more dreaded four-letter    words: T.E.S.T. These days it seems even for many kids even  if they’ve studied hard and done their homework when test  day comes they’re hit with a wave of panic. Butterflies hit  their stomach and their heads are filled with a wave of  negative thoughts: “I’m going to flunk.” “I’m so dumb.” And  then their mind goes blank.

Make no mistake, test-taking anxiety can be costly to our children academic success as well as their emotional and physical well-being. While there are no quick fixes, there are solutions that will help reduce anxiety and even improve those test scores. The best news is that parents are a big part of the success equation. Here are proven solutions:

Before the Test

• Make a plan for success. Start by identifying your child’s current study habits. Then think of one or two simple solutions to begin helping your child improve his test taking skills. For instance: Write each vocabulary word on a flash card so he can review them at his brother’s soccer practice. Hire a tutor if necessary. Or teach one or two of the following strategies to your child.

• Reframe negative thoughts. Negative thoughts about performance can affect test taking. So teach your child to challenge each negative idea by finding evidence that it’s not always true. Child: “I always do badly on tests.” You: “Practicing your flash cards boosted your spelling grade on Friday.” Child: “I won’t remember anything.” You: “Eating a good breakfast seemed to sure helped improve your memory for your last math test.”

• Teach test-taking strategies. There are simple skills that help improve test performance as well as reduce kids’ test anxiety. Here are few tips you can teach your child:
• • Ask questions. If you are unsure of the question, raise your hand to get clarification.
  • Quickly flip though. Get an instant gauge as to the type of questions and test length.
  • Answer what you know. Fill in the questions you know right away so you don’t forget.
  • Check answers. Never turn in a test without first checking to make sure no questions have been skipped. Always proofread your answers if you have time.

• Don’t cram. Test-anxious kids figure they will worry less if by putting their studying off and then cramming at the last minute. But it backfires and instead increases anxiety. Not only will he be less likely to know the subject content but he will also recognize he’s not prepared. Check in with the teacher so you know that test schedule and can prepare further in advance. Then map out a study schedule on a calendar several evenings before the test.

• Set realistic study times. Study lengths and breaks should be relaxed and geared to your child’s attention. Typical study spans per ages are: 6 to 8 years: 15 minutes; 9 to 10 years: 20 minutes; 11 and 12 years: 30 minutes; 13 years: 30 to 40 minutes.

• Do practice tests. The more comfortable your child is about test taking, the less anxious he will be. So ask the teacher for a few practice tests or purchase a test-taking manual geared to your child’s level. Then help your child apply the test-taking strategies he’s learned as well as those anxiety-reducers on a few practice tests to boost his confidence.

On the Test Day

• Get enough sleep. Countless studies find a significant correlation between kids’ sleep and test performance.  The biggest sleep disturbers: computers, cell phones, texting and TV. Unplug your kid at least 30 minutes before bedtime.

• Serve brain food for breakfast. Don’t let your child skip breakfast. Studies show that a breakfast rich in whole-grain cereals along with a lean protein such as eggs is proven to help maintain your child’s energy and keep him more alert during that test.

• Use anxiety-reducers. Research shows that using a relaxation strategy can reduce test anxiety. Here are three possibilities to teach your child a few weeks before the big test:
  • Self-talk: Repeat a relaxing phrase silently such as: “It’s only a test.” “I don’t have to be perfect.” Or “I’ll worry later, but I’m going to focus on the test now.”
  • Deep breathing: Take a three by three: Breathe in slowly to a count of three then exhale slowly to a count of three. Repeat the deep breathing strategy at least three times.
  • Visualize a calm scene: Close your eyes and imagine a calm peaceful place (a park, beach, tree house) that the child has experienced and brings a smile to his face.

After the Test

• Review test performance. During a relaxed time, help your child evaluate his test performance and results. Questions might include: “Did you feel any differently this time?” “Did the three by three breathing help?” “What part of the test was the easiest? The most difficult?” What things helped that you want to remember to try again?”  The trick is to help your child recognize what works so he can apply those same strategies again to the next test.  You can also determine what still needs correcting or how to form a better test-taking plan.

• Monitor the situation. While it is normal for kids to be anxious before a test, if anxiety signs persist, increase, or interfere with your child’s school performance or life, then it is time to seek help. If anxiety mounts or your child continues to struggle then please seek the counsel of a mental health professional.  Test Anxiety is a growing new condition for students these days. Almost 20 percent of tweens and teens experience test anxiety, but with today’s high-stakes testing, the condition is being diagnosed in even our youngest students.

• Stay cool and be accepting. A big kid worry is, “I hope I didn’t let my parents down” so reaffirm your unconditional love—regardless of that score. Research shows that a warm, accepting parenting style with realistic expectations helps decrease kids’ test anxiety.

Regardless of how prepared or capable your child, his over-riding concern about his performance reduces his ability to focus and test his best. With all the emphasis on high-stakes testing, kids pushed to meet higher standards, and even more rigorous high school tests coming up, it’s crucial to help our kids learn successful test-taking and coping strategies, and nip test anxiety in the bud.

More Resources on Helping Reduce Those Test Jitters

This blog is adapted from The Big Book of Parenting  Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and  Wildest Worries. For more specifics on helping your child in  school refer to the chapters on Test Anxiety, Gives Up,  Teacher Conference, Attention Deficit, Homework, Learning  Disabilities, Disorganized, Stressed.  Follow me on twitter @micheleborba or my website, micheleborba

Toddlers: they’re adorable, lovable, and absolutely precious (at least most of the time -right?). They’re also unpredictable, impulsive and can be absolutely exhausting. These little critters are like energizer bunnies except their batteries just never seem to run out. You can’t reason with them: they don’t have the cognitive development. You can’t tell them to “calm down”: they don’t have the internal regulatory system. You can’t talk them through most of their issues: they don’t have the vocabulary.

I’ve received so many requests from parents asking for “toddler tips” I decided to put make a list of my top Toddler Tamers. These are the tips I pass on the most to parents and they’re also the tips that have come in very handy in two recent “interventions.”

Dr. Phil asked me last week to help a mom and dad with an “out-of-control” toddler. I was sent to their home with a film crew to meet a one, two, three and six year old. (You can view those tips on how to do Time Out, give positive directions, and positive reinforcement by clicking onto the link above which will take you to the Dr. Phil website).

Last year the WE-channel asked me to be the parenting expert for the show “Raising Sextuplets” (two-year old sextuplets – who were all biting, hitting and nonverbal — and you think YOU have it rough! Phew!). You can view that segment by clicking on the link above. The producers and parents asked me to come back again this year to help these adorable sextuplets who are now three.

Here are my favorites “tamers” for this unique age group. Just a word to the wise: they do grow up all too quickly! Enjoy now. Your little one will never be this active or cuddly.

1. Naming the toddler’s upset feeling:”Mad. Sam is mad” helps reduce tantrum onset. Telling a two year old to “Calm down” just won’t cut it. But it sometimes helps to play “emotion coach.” (Note the “sometimes” – you really have to experiment with what works – but this is worth the try). At the first moment you see your toddler’s frustrations coming on, get down eye-to-eye and in an exaggerated tone, name the feeling. “You’re soooooo angry!!! Johnny is soooooo mad!!!” Verbalizing an upset feeling to a nonverbal kid can be empowering and helps to reduce the frustration. It’s almost as though you see your little one look up at you with a, “Well yep. That’s how I feel! Glad you caught on!”

2. Don’t overuse “NO”or a toddler will mimic. Save for real red flag issues. If you catch the Raising Sextuplets tape you’ll hear both parents admit that saying “No” to their two year olds (all six!) is no longer effective. They overused the term and so it wore out the impact. This is the copy-cat age and toddlers are experimenting with words. “No” is one of the easiest words to say and because they hear it often (from Y.O.U.) they will pick it up. So beware! Save “NO” for those moments when safety or health is at risk, you want an immediate response, or your little one has really crossed the line. You could substitute the word, “NO!” with a clap, the word “Danger!” or “Safety!” You could also teach a hand gesture or sign language. I taught the sextuplets the sign for “Stop” (hand straight out in front) and “Gentle” (palm softly rubbing the top of the other hands). The nonverbal sextuplets started using the signs with each other and aggressive behaviors such as biting and hitting were greatly reduced.

3. Lower voice to a whisper to give requests.Toddlers love variety and fear loud noises. So try using softer voice tones. A little one usually responds. (They also love you to make your voice sound like Daffy Duck or some other character. Go for it! Your toddler won’t tell). Or turn your hand into an instant puppet and make your hand talk. Come on – try it! This is a magical age when you can use their imagination to your advantage.

4. Turn DON’T to DO.Their little egos are forming and their little independence streak is churning, so watch out for negatives. You’ll get far better responses if you turn your “don’t run” into “Let’s walk.” Or “Don’t pull the doggy’s tail.” Instead “Watch Mommy. Pet the doggy like this.” Also SHOWING what you want a toddler to do is always better than telling. Model!!!! They are great little copy-cats.

5. Anticipating a toddler’s frustration triggers is the best way to curb a tantrum. Get to know your kid. Tune into when he is most likely to have that meltdown. And if he does have an “exorcism” ask yourself the key question: “What happened right before? The biggest frustration triggers for a toddler are fatigue, hunger and boredom.”  You’ll reduce many of those meltdowns by taking him shopping after the nap or eating a snack, or letting him play with something while you wait. ANTICIPATE!

6. Don’t try reasoning with a tantruming toddler. Once that flail or wail or exorcism begins, forget trying to reason with your child. Doing so is like trying to reason with a goldfish. Remember that when those strong emotions kick in the “reasoning” part of the brain tunes out. Just let him wind down.

7. Respectfully and selectively ignore some behaviors. Toddlers are attention-getters and they love to figure out what pushes your buttons. If you’re not careful you’ll discover a lot of things do bug you. So when those annoying behaviors kick in (the whine, pout, screech, your best response is NO response. Pretend your toddler is invisible and that you are deaf. I’ve coached many parents on this one and most won’t believe me. So I tell them, “Watch.” The first sign the toddler tries a whine I just turn and pretend to do something else. And within seconds the toddler stops the behavior. Why? Simple, it doesn’t work. Also watch out on those tantrums. Boston College found the more attention you give a tantrum, the longer it lasts. Once a tantrum starts, ignore, ignore, ignore.

8. Use calming rituals to help a toddler soothe and calm down. Research shows that the most active (and aggressive) time EVER in our lives is between the ages of two and four. Toddlers are always on the go. Use a preschool-teacher’s secret: always follow an active activity (running, jumping, marching, etc) with a calming activity (reading a book, giving a massage, singing a quiet song, doing a finger play). A toddler doesn’t have an internal brake system and needs you to help calm him down. They also need “transition” time. Because they don’t have an internal clock, they will rely on you: “Let’s start putting our toys away. It’s almost time for lunch.” “When we’ve finished singing Twinkle-Twinkle it will be time to brush our teeth. Warning: not giving an adequate warning that a change is coming is one of the fastest ways to cause a meltdown. Give warnings!

9. Teach feeling words. Hitting and biting are common with toddlers. In fact the  top reason toddlers are “expelled” from day care or preschool is biting. One way to help reduce the biting and hitting is to teach emotion words and the best way is always in context: “You’re sad! Is Johnny sad!” “Look at that little boy. He’s happy. See his happy face!” “Let’s look at the pictures in our book. See Sally’s face. She looks scared. Make your face look scared!” You can teach little ones sign language for emotions. (And don’t worry about purchasing some fancy book with sign gestures, just make up your own signs. My doctoral dissertation was in trying to determine the emotions toddlers and preschoolers are able to identify and the developmental sequence. I interviewed hundreds of two to five year olds and discovered that the four emotions toddlers learn first (in in this order) are “sad, happy, mad and scared.” I also discovered that toddlers frequently confuse sad, mad and scared.

10. Be calm so your toddler can mirror you. Toddlers are active and so their frustrations can quickly escalate. And they don’t yet have that little brake switch inside to help them stop and cool down.So be their brake system. The fastest way to escalate a toddler’s frustration is to yell or be upset yourself. The faster way to slow them down is to get eye to eye and calmly mirror their emotions. Be calm to help your toddler be calm.

Of course, the real trick is to find out what works best for your toddler. Once you discover the secret use the same trick over and over.  Toddler Tamer Trick #11: Toddlers love routines! And never forget Toddler Tamer Trcker #12: PRAISE. PRAISE. and PRAISE what your little one does right! Just use an exaggerated voice and add an exclamation point to the end of your acknowledgement.

For more tips and age-appropriate suggestions refer to The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries I wrote this book as a complete reference to the questions parents want answers to most. The section of tantrums is particularly helpful for this group as well as Sharing, Day Care, Biting, Time-Out. Won’t Listen and Yelling. Follow me on twitter @micheleborba or on my website, micheleborba