REALITY CHECK:  What have your kids learned these last two years about democracy and the electoral process?

It’s November 4^th. Election Day! The moment that defines who we are as a democracy.  It’s easy to overlook how significant voting is—especially when the election day coverage has been going on non-stop it seems for two years plus. But this is it folks.

November 4^th is also a day to teach your children about citizenship, democracy and just how important is to vote. And we better teach them. The percentage of youth who vote has been dismal. This is the first in a long time that kids are even showing an interest in the democratic process. For shame! Kids learn attitudes and behaviors early in life and they learn them best from parents.

Here are few ways to turn Election Day into not only a learning process, but also a fun family tradition.

1.  Take your child to the polls. If you haven’t voted, bring your kids to the polls. Show the booth and ballot. My girlfriend’s kids said their mom always did this stressing it was her obligation as an American citizen to vote. Her adult kids have never missed voting in an election since.

 2.  Tune up red, white and blue. Hang up an American flag. Younger kids can make a construction paper flag replica. Describe what those 13 stripes and 50 stars mean. Make cupcakes dazzled with a red or blue sprinkles or frosting.

 3.  Choose your candidate and make campaign posters. Little ones can cut out pictures of their candidate from newspapers. School age kids can make campaign posters for their candidate. Tweens and teens can analyze their candidate’s views online. Some families make a ballot box (a shoe box with a slit on the top) and have each member vote on a paper slip then add up them up.

 4.  Hold family political debates and learn to “Fight Fair.” The primaries were interesting in the Borba household because every of our five family members supported a different candidate. The fun part was listening to one another’s views and some of those state measures make for “fascinating” discussions. The trick is making heated discussions calm. Here are four Fighting FAIR rules to get your opinions across.

First, explain that anyone gets a tad-bit hot under the collar, immediately employ the “F”: FREEZE, breathe, and calm down. Emphasize, “We may disagree in our family, but you must use a calm voice.” Then “A”: ASSERT yourself by saying your position, but stay focused on the issue and the facts about your candidate. Use an “I MESSAGE” to cut out those deadly blaming “You should…” “You never…”  “You always…” comments that can heat up a disagreement. Finally,  “R”: RESPECTFULLY listen to each family member’s views. Once you’ve practiced those rules you can use them to resolve any family dispute.  

 5.    Watch the election night coverage. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, watch the TV coverage. Explain how the commentators are reporting who is to be the next president. When I was growing up this was a big time family event.

 6.    Throw in political lessons. Hang up a map of the U.S. or print one off from online. Do a quick lesson on the two party system: Obama is the democrat and McCain in the republican.  School age kids can color in “red” or “blue” on the map. An older kid to add up those electoral votes on a calculator and make the democratic process come to life.

 7.    Save the next day’s newspaper. Make sure you put the next morning’s headlines announcing the new President of the United States front and center in your household. Regardless of who won, let your child know this elected man is the leader of the free world for the next four years.

Whether or not your candidate comes out the winner, please convey to your children that there are many countries in the world who do not have the privilege of choosing a candidate. Don’t ever let your children take their democracy for granted.

Make sure you vote!

This morning on the Today show I spoke with Al Roker about one of my family’s favorite holiday–Halloween. Halloween always has been at the top of most kids’ “fun holidays.” And why not? Playing dress up, asking for candy and getting it, staying out a bit late and carving pumpkins–it’s all the stuff kids love. But there’s also the scarier side of October 31 that can take the fun out of that big night and provoke anxiety, especially for little ones.

Fears are a normal part of child development, but some kids are a lot more fearful and anxious than others. Halloween sure can bring out the “fear factor” in younger children because of their stage of cognitive development. Younger kids can’t yet distinguish between make-believe and reality, so their active imaginations help fuel fears. Everything about Halloween–from eerie eyeballs, sticky hanging cobwebs, to ghosts, goblins and things that go bump into the night–play right into their imaginations. It isn’t until around the beginning of school-age when kids start realizing they can handle their fears by working through them, or by using coping strategies Mom and Dad may have taught them.

Fears are a certainly a normal part of childhood, but there are a few mistakes parents can make that can exacerbate the fear. Here are four things to avoid while trick-or-treating (or any other time your child shows a bit of anxiety).

Mistake 1: Trying to use logic to talk the child out of the fear. As trivial or unfounded as a child’s worry may seem, the fear feels real to your child and it’s causing him or her to feel anxious and afraid. Lecturing, ignoring or trying to use logic with your child will not help.

 Mistake 2: Belittling the fear. Telling your child “Don’t be silly! There are no ghosts under your bed!” won’t make the fear go away. Be clear that you, too, accept even an unrealistic fear producer as real, but you do not believe it will really hurt you.

Mistake 3: Pushing the fear too fast. Pushing the child into the fear (insisting he go into that haunted house or putting his hand into that jar with the eerie eyeballs) can increase the fear factor as well as breakdown your child’s trust with you. If you know that Mr. Jones is going to jump out of the bushes and scare the bejeepers out of the kids, then best to avoid that house altogether.

Mistake 4: Overprotecting. Studies find that kids whose parents try to shield them from stressful events wind up more fearful. Protecting too much in childhood produces adults with unusually high portions of panic attacks.[i] So don’t be so quick to protect your child from scary Halloween. You may do more harm than good.

There are a number of proven ways that parents can help reduce fears and help their children cope. The trick is to find the fear reducer that works best for your child’s age and temperament. Here are seven ways parents can help reduce their child’s fears:

1. Rehearse how to respond. Young kids learn best through doing, so think of a few scary Halloween elements that could frighten your child (those eerie sounds, kids unexpectedly yelling, “Trick or treat!”) Then act them out with your child so he can practice how to respond. Once kids know what to expect, their fears are often reduced.

2. Emphasize “fun” not “scary.” Downplay the scary, chilling, creepy, parts of Halloween. Talk up the fun, like dressing up, acting up, seeing silly costumes. Stress Casper the Friendly Ghost, the “silly” old jack-o’-lantern, the poor, lonely old witch. The simple shift gives a child a whole different mindset and helps him envision the character more positively.

3. Empower the child. When kids feel they have control over a situation, they are less likely to be upset. Hand her a flashlight so she can see the way. Ask her to pick which houses to go to. Teach her to say a line inside her head when she feels scared, “It’s okay. It’s just pretend.”

4. Help your child know what to expect. Young children’s active imaginations make them imagine the worst, and that boosts their fears. If he has never walked in the street at night, do a practice-run the night before without those scary costumes. Have Daddy put on his funny clown costume a day ahead so your child can get used to that weird nose, or let him listen to that scary Halloween soundtrack tomorrow.

5. Introduce the fear slowly. Psychologists use the technique of conditioning to help patients work their way through a fear by giving small increments of the fear factor at a level they can handle. If the child is afraid of the dark, start trick-or-treating when it is light and nighttime slowly comes in. If she’s afraid of that ghost costume, let her play with it herself or dress up her teddy bear in it, or make a small ghost costume and gradually increase the size until your child can handle his fear.

6. Use the child’s magical thinking. Young children have the most vivid imaginations so capitalize on their fanciful thinking. If your child is afraid of monsters, then help her make an invisible potion of “monster-vanishing dust” and sprinkle it on the road. Turn the flashlight into a light saber that makes the road safe.

7. Respond to your child’s fear with “courageous calmness.” If your child is a bit frightened of that ghost–as most kids will be–the best way to respond to reduce the fear is by modeling courage and calmness. Your child is watching your response and using your behavior as a model to copy.

Remember, Halloween is about fun! You can always forgo the trick-or-treating to all the neighbors and just go to a few certain “safe” homes. You can always have your own private party at home. You can always go trick-or-treating during the afternoon or to the mall. After all, there’s always next year!

Let’s face it, these last few days have been a stressful roller coaster ride as we watch that stock market. My email box has been flooded with notes from concerned moms and dads asking for tips on how to stop yelling at their kids. Stress builds quickly and turns into anger. Yelling is contagious, so if you, or another family member, have been screaming, your child may have caught the “screaming bug.” It’s time for a temper makeover. Reducing temper tantrums will take commitment, but it is doable. Helping your kids learn to handle stress in a healthy way is critical any time, but especially now.

Here are seven steps to reduce the yelling, control those tempers and become a calmer and healthier family that I shared on the Today show. I hope they help you and your family. 

Step 1: Take the Calmer Family Challenge. Begin by gathering the troops and convey your new “no yelling” expectations to all family members. Explain that while it’s okay to be angry, they may not use a yelling voice to express their feelings. If a family member needs to take a time-out to calm down, he may do so. Everyone must know you mean business, so take a vow and sign a pledge as a family, posting it on the fridge as a concrete reminder.

Step 2: Learn your stress warning signs. Kids mirror our emotions. When you raise your voice, they raise theirs. The best way to stop yelling is to identify your own stress signs that warn you that you’re getting angry. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs he or she may have that signal a start to getting upset. For example: “Looks like you’re tense. Your hands are in a fist. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?” (Some signs of an oncoming temper tantrum are flushed checks; a pounding heart; a louder voice; clenched hands; grinding teeth; and rapid breathing.) Anger escalates very quickly. If a child waits until he is in “meltdown” mode to get in control, it’s too late.

Step 3: Identify temper triggers. Figure out when and where arguments are most likely to transpire and what they’re over. Yelling matches typically happen at the same time (such as when you get home from work, at homework time or during morning mania) so recognize that and help your family identify the temper triggers.

Step 4: Teach Anger-Management Skills. If you want your family to stop yelling, then you must teach them a replacement behavior for those angry outbursts. Find one strategy and practice it as a family over and over until you can do it the second you feel those anger signs start to kick in. Here are some examples:

• Use self-talk and establish an affirmation—a simple, positive message you say to yourself in stressful situations. For example: “Stop and calm down,” “Stay in control,” “I can handle this.”
• Use “dragon breaths”: Show your child how to inhale slowly to a count of five; pause for two counts, and then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation. (You might say, “Blow out your anger like those big puffs a dragon takes.”)
• Teach the “1 + 3 + 10.” formula: As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning about losing control, do three things: First, stop and say, ‘Be calm.’ Then take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. Finally, count slowly to 10 inside your head.
• Teach “I” messages: Instead of starting messages with “you,” begin with “I.” It stays focused on the person’s troublesome behavior without putting the person down, so the chances for emotional outbursts (and yelling) are lessened.
• Label emotions: One way to reduce those screaming matches is for family members to acknowledge their feelings to one another. “Watch out. I’m really getting upset.” “I’m so angry I could burst.” “I feel so frustrated that you’re not listening to me.” Labeling the feeling helps both the yeller and the receiver calm down and get a bit of perspective.
• Give permission to “take 10”: Let everyone in your family know it’s okay to say, “I need a time out.” Then take a few deep breaths or walk away until you can get back in control.

 Step 5: Refuse to engage a screamer. Create a warning signal—such as pulling your ear, holding up a red card or a “time out” hand gesture—agreed upon by all family members—to signify an inappropriate tone of voice. Use it the second anyone’s voice goes one scale above a “normal range,” showing he needs to lower his voice immediately or you won’t listen. Explain: “That’s yelling. I only listen when you use a calm voice.”

 Step 6: Reduce stress as a family. Find out what it is that’s adding to your family’s stress. While you may not be able to get dad’s job back or gain back your retirement fund, you can do things to reduce the stress in your home. Here are a few:

•  Keep to routines. Sticking to a routine helps reduce stress because it boosts predictability and security. While everything else around your children may seem to be crumbling, those bedtime rituals, nighttime stories, hot baths, hugs and back rubs remain the same.
• Cut down. Removing one thing from your schedule can reduce those yelling matches because you’re cutting stress.
• Find ways to relax. Find no-cost ways to reduce stress as a family. Meditate with your kids, do yoga with your daughter, ride bikes with your preschooler or listen to relaxation tapes with your kids.
• Rebuild relationships. Are your kids yelling because they’re not being heard? Or has yelling been going on so long that relationships are now jarred? Find one-on-one time with those family members who need you most.

 Step 7: Stick to your Calmer Family Challenge for at least 21 days. Change is hard work. Be consistent. Get a monthly calendar and mark off each day you stick to the plan. You should see a gradual reduction in the yelling. If yelling continues despite your best efforts, then there is a deeper, underlying problem. It’s time to seek the help of a mental-health professional for your child or for you and your family.

Last week I did a segment on the Today show, “Is Your Child Gifted?” In the dozens of segments I’ve done for Today, none has generated as much interest among parents. My email box is over loaded. While I unfortunately do not have time to answer your individual questions, I will be adding more information about this topic these next few days. So stay tuned. Your question may show up in the blog. Just know that regardless of your child’s IQ, these same principles work for every child. After all, our real parenting goal is to make sure every child reaches their potential. 

Noted educator, Benjamin Bloom[i], and a team of researchers at the University of Chicago conducted a five-year study of 120 immensely gifted or talented young people. Among them were exceptional mathematicians and scientists, concert pianists, Olympic swimmers, and accomplished sculptors. Bloom’s research found that these world-class talents weren’t simply born talented—they were brought up to become talented. Although each child’s road to achievement differed slightly, their parents all used remarkably similar practices to nurture their gift. As most of us know, the odds that our children will become superstars are remove, but using these parenting practices will help your child live a richer life. Here are the steps to apply Bloom’s research to nurture your child’s unique gift:

·      Identify “the gift.” The parents’ first step was to recognize their child’s unique talent. Gifted children typically show exceptional talent in one or two areas only—not in everything. So watch for areas your child shows intense interest or passion (such as piano, computer, geology, violin, English history, mythology, math). Be sure it’s your child’s interest—not yours. Then choose one –and certainly no more than two-talents or strengths at one time so your child can really explore that interest more in depth and you can discover just how strong the interest is.

·      Emphasize encouragement.  The parents made sure their children’s early talent development was positive, fun and not pushed.

·      Make practices enjoyable. The parents made their practices enjoyable and usually sat with their kids as they practiced.

·      Provide resources to cultivate the talent. The children’s talents improved because parents constantly provided the necessary resources to nurture their skills.

·      Show interest. Parents attended every major activity to show support, and often learned the skill just so they could spend more time with their child.

·      Stand by–win or lose.  Each superstar had an encouraging parent standing by his side, celebrating his wins and cushioning his loses.

·      Focus on the talent.  All parents placed great emphasis on their children’s evident talents and spent tremendous time cultivating it for years.

These are tough times for us all, but they can be especially hard if you have kids After all a big part of parenting is about wanting our children to be happy and shielding them from the more painful parts of life. So when our child’s face crumble because we can’t afford their birthday party, it’s hard. When our kids’ tear up when we have to say no to the sport gear, instrument or shoes they wanted, it’s tough. But when you lose your job, car, home, savings, or your child’s college education, it’s heart breaking because you know that your kids’ lives will change. Let’s be honest.

Rond Conger, a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis and others conducted a 20 year study of 450[i] families with school-age kids hit hard by the severe Farm Belt Recession in 1980. They found that the emotional affects of financial woes on children can be considerable triggering depression, anxiety, adjustment problems and poorer peer relationships in the kids. But the researchers also found one critical nugget: The parents’ constant conflicts, irritability and hostile exchanges over money matters was what greatly increased the likelihood of their children’s emotional and behavior problems.[ii] The parents’ constant stress over their money matters also reduced their parenting abilities so the kids’ problems remained with them through adulthood.

 There is an important parenting secret here: Recognize that how you act and what you say these next days, weeks or even months can affect your children’s emotional well-being not only now but long-term. While you may not be able to save your job or house, there are ways to help your family get through these tough times.

 1.     Don’t hide the truth. Kids are perceptive and know something is up, so trying to cover up a harsh reality to protect them only fuels their worries more. While you don’t need to tell kids all the facts, you owe them an explanation tailored to their level of understanding. For a young child: “Daddy and Mommy are a little worried about work right now but we’re doing what we can so everyone will be all right.” For an older child: “I know you’ve heard about how bad the economy is right now. Things will be tight at home for a while but we’re working hard to try to make it through this.” If you are about to loose your home, job, etc. make sure you are the one to tell your child.

2.     Acknowledge your worry.  Your child is picking up your worries so own up. Begin with a simple: “I know you’ve noticed that Dad and I have been upset lately, so we wanted to let you know what’s going on.” Your child may not seek you out, so go to your child.

3.     Keep an open dialogue. Over the next days kids are going to hear all kinds of rumors and misinformation from other kids. So keep an ongoing dialogue with your child. Be there to set them straight about the facts and tone down those doom and gloom reports. You can ask also ask: “What have you heard?” Or “What are your friends saying?” By the way, a big concern for tweens in particular is what their friends will say about your family’s financial situation. Let your kids know they are not alone. Foreclosures are everywhere. Unemployment has never been this high. There are other kids who are suffering as well.  

4.     Set a budget. Sit down with your kids and explain that you need to cut back. Don’t go into details about your finances. Instead explain that you need to set a  “budget.” Then enlist your kids to help you prioritize your spending. It’s a great way to teach financial planning. Add up your expenditures then figure out ways to cut back then take a pledge to stick to that budget at least for a month. Dozens of American families are taking the “Frugal Family Challenge.” Why not yours?

5.     Reduce conflict. I know you’re stressed and irritable and your temper may be on edge, but please don’t yell in front of the kids. Studies show that during tough economic times the constant parental conflicts cause kids the most emotional damage. Not losing their house, Dad losing his job or having the electricity turned off, but parental bickering. Call a truce. Go to a counselor. Sleep in separate bedrooms. Set a no yelling policy. But reduce those battles.

6.     Keep to routines. Sticking to a routine helps reduce worries because it boosts predictability and boosts security. During tough times kids those routines are crucial. While everything else around them may seem to be crumbling those bedtime rituals, nighttime stories, hot baths, hugs and backrubs remain the same.

7.     Monitor the news. Limit viewing those stressful news stories or better yet, turn the TV off during the news hour. Kids admit those stories are scaring the pants of them.

8.     Reduce stress as a family. Children mirror our moods and if they see us upset their worries only escalate. Staying calm yourself is the best way to reduce your children’s worries. Whenever you’re upset take a few deep breaths or walk away until you can get back in control. But also find no-cost ways to reduce stress as a family. Meditate with your kids, do yoga with your daughter, ride bikes with your preschooler, listen to relaxation tapes with your kids. Not only will you reduce your stress but you’ll also help your kids learn healthy ways to minimize theirs.

9.     Tune into your child and ask for help. Tune in a little closer these next weeks. Watch for stress signs or behaviors that are not typical for your child. Then don’t be timid about get help. Enlist a relative or friend who cares about your child to spend a bit more time with him. Call the guidance counselor or school psychologist, go to your minister or talk to your doctor for advice. If at any time your child’s emotional or physical well being is at stake, pick up the phone A.S.A.P. and don’t wait.

10.  Offer hope. Your family may be hurting and your devastation may be severe. But remember kids are resilient and what they need most is reassurance that you will make it through this together. Stay honest, “I don’t know how things will turn out, but I’ll do absolutely possible.” Above all, give your kids a message of hope, “Whatever happens, we’re together.”  And when all is said and done that really is what matters most.