Parents Do Make A Difference

A Reader's Guide To:
Parents Do Make a Difference!

"A boon for parents, teachers, and anyone else who wants to make an enduring difference in a child’s life." - Thomas Lickona, Ph.D., Author, Educating for Character

---

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally-recognized consultant on increasing children’s self-esteem and achievement and is the author of 24 publications including Parents Do Make A Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts. A former classroom teacher and parent of three sons, she has presented keynotes and workshops to over half a million participants worldwide and is a frequent guest on radio and television talk shows.

The following Reader's Guide was developed for you to use in a book club, a parent group, at a foster parent training, parent conference, with other caregiver's in your child's life, or alone. Use it to reflect, discuss and then plan how you'd use a few of the major success-building principles in Parents Do Make A Difference with your child. And always remember: you do make a difference!

1. Why did you or your group choose to read Parents Do Make a Difference? What preconceptions about the traits of success did you have before you began reading? Which of your views were more challenged or changed by your reading?
   
   
2. Do you think raising successful kids today is easier, no different or more difficult than when your parents raised you? Why?
   
   
3. Many research studies attribute IQ to only about a twenty-percent correlation to success. What do you think the most important factors are that helps children become successful human beings?
   
   
4. The book describes eight traits research says are most essential for helping children achieve success and happiness. Which trait do you feel is most essential for success and why? Which do you consider most difficult to nurture? Which trait do you emphasize most/least in your family? Which would you like to emphasize more? What could you do to help your child acquire it?
   
   
5. A major theme of the book is that success and character is learned and parents do make an enormous difference in influencing their children's development. How much influence do you think parents actually do have? How did your parents influence your character development? What are you doing to help influence your child's character development?
   
   
6. How would you answer: "What kind of person do you want your child to become?" How will you help your child become that person?
   
   
7. The first success skill is Positive Self-Esteem. A checklist of behaviors that indicate healthy positive self-esteem was provided on page 10. Think of your child. Which of those behaviors are your child displaying and which behaviors are ones that concern you and might indicate low self-esteem? How did your parents influence the development of your self-esteem--positively or negatively--as a child? Are you copying any of those parenting behaviors with your own child? Why or why not?
   
   
8. The second success trait was Cultivating Strengths. Page 42 offers four keys to unlocking a child's strengths and talents. What positive qualities would you want your child to recognize about himself right away? [Use the success tip on page 38 and 39 to help you]. What ways would you help your child recognize those strengths?
   
   
9. Communicating or learning how to speak up, listen attentively, and reduce misunderstandings is the third critical success trait. What are some factors that are diminishing this skill from our children's lives? How important do you think communication is to our children's success? The book emphasizes that you are your child's most important communication instructor. How well do you model good listening skills to your child? How could you improve conversation with your kids?
   
   
10. The fourth success trait is called Problem Solving and is one children will need in every arena of their lives for the rest of their lives. How are you helping your child learn to deal with conflict? What are the most typical conflicts your child seems to be facing now? What is the most common way he solves his problems now? Is it an effective technique? The book provides a problem solving technique called STAND (page 88) to help your child learn to deal with any problem (stop and calm down, tell what the problem is, ask, 'what are my alternatives?, narrow the choices, decide on one and do it). Is there any part of the technique you could use with your child? How could you use it?
    
    
11. Many studies show that aggression and poor self-control are escalating with today's children. Parents Do Make a Difference emphasizes that self-control can be learned. How does your child typically react to a problem? Here are a few behaviors to consider: Does he stay calm, or does his body tense up? Does she confront the problem, or does she walk away? Does he coolly try to solve the problem or become so anxious that he needs help calmly down? How are you helping your child learn to stay cool?
    
    
12. Getting Along or developing social competence is the fifth success trait. The book emphasized that experts point out that a wide range of social skills is needed to establish and manage social relationships and they can be learned. What are your child's friendship-making strengths? If you could tune up one or two skills that would help your child get along better with others, what would they be? (See page 121 for possible warning signs). How could you improve the skill? (Page 122 provides four ways to help kids learn friendship-making skills if you could use a guideline).
    
    
13. The book emphasizes that one of the most important skills of success is skill six: Goal Setting. It provides a formula for setting a goal: "I will + what + when." The chapter also emphasizes that one of the best ways for kids to learn this success trait is by parents modeling it to their kids. Think about one event in your everyday life you could be using to model the goal setting--learning to use a computer, financial saving, exercising--now how would you model your goal to your child using the goal formula?
    
    
14. The seventh essential success skill is "Not Giving Up." How are you helping your child learn perseverance? What do you do or say to your child when he wants to quit? Chapter seven suggests starting a family "Never give up" motto or saying to convey to your children your convictions about perseverance. Did you parents use any motto or saying when you were a child? What sayings or messages are you using with your children to help them learn critical life messages?
    
    
15. The eighth skill of success is Caring. How important is it to you to have a caring child? How did members of your family when you were growing up demonstrate caring and empathy toward one another? Peer cruelty is reported to be at an all-time high with today's youth. What are you doing to curtail unkindness in your children? What is causing bullying and cruelty to escalate in kids?
    
    
16. How committed are you to enhancing your child's success traits? From everything you read, is there one strategy you'd like try with your child or family? Why did you choose it? Describe what you will do and when you will begin.
    
    
17. What would you like your greatest legacy to be for your child? What will you do to ensure that your child attains that legacy?
    
    
18. If you were telling a friend whether or not to read this book, what would you say about it?

© 1999 by Michele Borba. Adapted from Parents Do Make A Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts. Jossey-Bass Publishers, 350 Sansome Street, San Francisco, CA 94104. 1999. $18.00 paperback, 320 pages. ISBN 0-7879-4605-2 Please contact for permission to reprint.