Book Guide - Book Excerpt: Five Ways to Help Kids Stay Cool

Parents Do Make A Difference

Five Ways To Help Kids Stay Cool

An Excerpt from Parents Do Make a Difference
© by Dr. Michele Borba.
San Francisco: Jossey Bass Publishers, 1999.

Our children are facing much more pressing types of daily stresses than most of us ever deal with in our childhood. Just think of the kinds of horrific images our kids are exposed to on the nightly news: riots, hate crimes, random shootings, bombings, kidnappings, senseless murders. We're also seeing a troubling increasing in bullying, name-calling, and prejudicial slurs among schoolchildren. Do these issues affect our children? You bet they do! The single greatest trend I've seen as a consultant to hundreds of schools over the past ten years is the marked increase in anxiety and anger in our children. We shouldn't kid ourselves: the steady onslaught of stress and violent images is taking a major toll on our children's emotional well-being.

Kids needs to stay in touch with their feelings and know how to calm down. That's the first step to solving any problem, big or little. It's a step our children must know how to do to increase their chances for success both now and forever. The sooner we teach this skill, the sooner our kids will be able to practice making "calming down" a healthy habit that will last a lifetime.
These next activities teach your child the first step to solving any problem: learning to stay cool and in control so that she can think about how to begin fixing what concerns her.

1. Model coolness when facing problems. Showing you can keep your cool, even in crisis, is an important way to help your child learn to problem solve. You send a clear message: "It may look like a crisis, but by staying cool I'll be in a better position to solve the problem." Example is always the best teacher: "I need to take a deep breath and stay cool before I call the bank. I can't understand how my account is so overdrawn."

2. Convey the importance of staying calm. You will use a balloon for this fun way to help your child understand the importance of staying calm. Say to your child, "We all get angry sometimes, especially when things aren't going the way we plan." Hold up the balloon and slowly blow it up halfway, then stop and pinch the tip to keep the air in. Say, "When we're upset, anger inside us can blow up very quickly. Watch what happens." Continue blowing the balloon to full size, then pinch the balloon to hold the air and say, "When there's so much anger in you, it's hard to think. Your heart is pounding, your palms may be seaty, and you are breathing faster. This is when you can make poor choices and get into trouble." Quickly let go of the balloon so that it flies around the room. Say, "See how it spins out of control all over the place? That's what happens when you don't get rid of the anger." Ask your child to take a slow deep breath. Place your child's hands on this stomach for him to "feel" his breaths. Too often kids try to take quick, fast breaths from their chest instead of their stomach--it doesn't work! Say, "Taking a slow, deep breath is an easy way to calm down. It lets the anger out so that you can start to think about how to solve your problem."

3. Identify anger warning signs. Cut a large piece of paper into the shape of a big stop sign and print the word ANGER inside. Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn us we're getting angry. Guide your child to think of ways her body feels when she's angry, such as, "I talk louder, my cheeks get flushed, I clench my fists, my heart pounds, my mouth gets dry, my palms start to sweat, and I breathe faster." Help your child print or draw a few of her physical anger signs on the paper. Now write a large D in front of ANGER so that the word now spells DANGER and say, "Remember, anger is just one letter short of danger. Listen to the danger signals your body sends you. They'll help you learn to stop and calm down so that you can figure out what's bothering you."

4. Teach a calm down formula. The most effective strategy I've ever used with children to help them calm down is called "I + 3 + 10." I introduce the formula by printing "I + 3 + 10" on large pieces on large pieces of paper and hanging them around the room. Then I tell kids how to use the formula. You can say the same thing to your child: "As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do three things. First, stop and tell yourself, 'Be calm." That's 1. Second, take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That's 3. Now count slowly to ten inside your head. That's 10. Put them all together, it's 1 + 3 +10, and doing it helps you calm down." I knew my kids had mastered the technique when all three of them chimed in one day, "Looks like you need a 1 + 3 + 10, Mom." Were they right!

5. Use affirmations to stay calm. At four, our youngest child went through the predictable fear of darkness. Each night it was a major feat just getting him to his bedroom. Nothing seemed to work until one night my husband decided to pretend he was afraid of the dark, too, and show our son another way to deal with his apprehensions. As he walk down the hall with Zach toward the bedroom, my husband started murmuring, "I'm calm and in control." I'm sure that Zach, following close behind, wondered what his father was up to. My husband just kept slowly repeating the message, each time deliberately saying the words more confidently. By the time they reached the room, Zach was saying the same words under his breath. Over the next few days his dad helped Zach remember the words until he could say them by heart. Slowly his fears faded as he began to believe the message. Soon he was walking calmly to his room by himself. It had worked!

Zach's dad taught him an affirmation--a simple, positive message he could purposely say to himself to build confidence. Other affirmations kids can says to themselves to help them calm down are "Stop and calm down," "Take a deep breath," or "I can handle this." The more your child practices it, the greater the likelihood she will use it during a real time when she needs to calm down. You might post the words throughout the house as a reminder.

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally-recognized consultant on increasing children’s self-esteem and achievement and is the author of 24 publications including Parents Do Make A Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts. A former classroom teacher and parent of three sons, she has presented keynotes and workshops to over half a million participants worldwide and is a frequent guest on radio and television talk shows.

SUCCESS TIP

A Calm Down Poster

Help your child see that there are dozens of ways to calm down: make a poster of possibilities. The poster could include pictures, words, and magazine cutouts. Here is a list of ways to calm down that one family created one year:

Do jumping jacks	Think of something pleasant	Read
Hum or sing	Take a walk	Talk to someone
Draw a picture	Ask for a hug	Say to yourself, "Cool it!"
Shoot baskets	Listen to soothing music	Count to ten

© 1999 by Michele Borba. Adapted from Parents Do Make A Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts. Jossey-Bass Publishers, 350 Sansome Street, San Francisco, CA 94104. 1999. $18.00 paperback, 320 pages. ISBN 0-7879-4605-2 Please contact for permission to reprint.